The League of Assertive Women and sources within Bolingbrook’s Chamber of Commerce confirmed that Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar ordered the cancelation of a convention of “Karens.”
“They demanded to speak with the manager of Bolingbrook,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her real name. “I’ll bet they’re regretting that decision now.”
“Karen” is a slang term for a white-middle-aged woman who feels entitled to unreasonable special treatment. The term includes women who demand to speak to the manager to belittle service employees, as well as white women endangering and assaulting minorities after falsely accusing their victims of committing crimes. The male version is called either “Ken” or “Kevin.”
While the theme of the League’s Bolingbrook convention was “You work for me!”, the organizers insisted they were not “Karens.”
“Don’t ever call us that!” said Carol X. Brock, president of the group. “It is sexist to deny us what we deserve and we have a right to put people in their place. I need to speak to your manager now.”
Bolingbrook’s 911 dispatchers, according to anonymous sources, received over 10,000 calls on the first day of the convention.
“There were a few real calls,” said one operator. “But most were ridiculous— Like people claiming they were suffering from CO2 poisoning after wearing a mask for a few seconds. The worst claimed that rioters were attacking a building. When she gave me the address, I explained it was just Muslims gathering at one of our mosques. She claimed that it wasn’t a mosque because she personally knew the owners and insisted they were Christians. Then she demanded to speak with my supervisor. Some days I really hate this job.”
Due to the call volume, some eyewitnesses claim Bolingbrook police chief Mike Rompa personally addressed the organizers. The same eyewitnesses say Rompa politely asked them to tell their attendee to be more responsible before calling 911.
The witnesses said the word ‘responsible’ seemed to enrage the organizers. Brock then threatened to call the state police and accused Rompa of threatening to go “Drew Peterson” on them.
“You know my body camera is on,” Rompa replied.
“You can’t record us!” Brock screamed. “I want to speak to your manager!”
Both village managers and Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arrived. Alexander-Basta promised to refund the local hotel tax if the attendees would just leave the police alone and stop calling 911.
Brock then accused Alexander-Basta, who was more than six feet away, of assaulting her.
“I see you are lying,” yelled Rompa. “The Mayor isn’t hurting you, and would never hurt you.”
“She’s hurting my feelings. That’s assault!”
“Did you mean to say that she’s ‘insulting you?’”
“What’s the difference?”
The organizers demanded to speak with Alexander-Basta’s “supervisor.” She walked away. Several minutes later, Claar arrived with Alexander-Basta and demanded to know why the organizers were interrupting his “family time.” The organizers started reciting their complaints, but Claar stopped them a few seconds later.
“Do you have any real problems?” he asked.
“All of our problems are real and now you’re one of them.”
“How dare you,” snapped Claar.
“How dare you!” protested Brock. “I want to speak to your supervisor.”
Claar turned red and yelled, “I don’t need a supervisor. I am Bolingbrook. I am as high up as you will get around here. I’ve heard enough of your complaints, and I won’t miss having you as tourists here. Now get out of my village before I deport all of you!”
“You can’t kick us out,” Brock replied, “Because we’re leaving. I wish I could give Bolingbrook zero stars.”
After the organizers stormed off, Alexander-Basta and Claar fist-bumped each other and left.
A receptionist said Alexander-Basta was busy and couldn’t comment on the story.
“So is a group of Karens called a Complaint, a Facebook Group, or a Class Action Lawsuit?” asked the receptionist.
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Very clever, Michael.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied, “What are you talking about?”
“That post you wrote about panhandling. You successfully gave the impression that the state government is preventing us from dealing with panhandlers.”
“I did not,” protested Carpanzano. “I linked to an article that specifically said a Federal Court ruled Illinois’s panhandling law unconstitutional.”
“And how many people actually follow links?”
“What matters is I put the link into the article.”
“And threw in a concluding paragraph that isn’t supported by that link. Now most readers will blame the state government for aggressive panhandlers instead of a radical Supreme Court. That’s clever, Michael.”
“I will neither confirm, nor deny your opinion of my posting style.”
Also in the Babbler:
Fountaindale Library begs local writers to stop submitting post-apocalyptic ebooks
Anti-vaccination alien terrorists executed at Palatine’s UFO Base
Nobody shows up for insurrection against the Village of Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/24/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.