From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second-largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the evilest school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving the Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing the Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, the Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications appeared and attempted to compete with the Babbler. Still, the future seemed bright for the Babbler.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore the Babbler. He even went as far as to write a column for the Bolingbrook Beacon, claiming it was Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. Through the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with the Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, will you?

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You know how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his Ph.D. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Reporter: You mean you’re more proud of getting fan letters than you are of being the administrator of the world’s largest urban UFO base?

Groseth: (sighs) Do we have to play this game? OK. This should make you happy. I neither confirm nor deny the existence of a UFO base next to Clow Airport.

Reporter: Then you are confirming that the base is under Clow?

Groseth: (muffled scream): If there were a base under Clow, and I’m not saying there is, then I would be very proud to be its administrator.

Reporter: Ah. Now, if you were its administrator, and you’re not saying that you are, what are some challenges you face?

Groseth: (Yawns) Other than stopping the staff from making Uranus jokes? Hmm. I would say that covering up Clow’s finances from the general public.

Reporter: Really?

Groseth: Sure! Clow must make billions of dollars from all the extraterrestrial trade it does. Even with computers and pocket calculators, it must be quite a challenge to add up all those dollars. I’m sure the money is hidden in certain line items. I would have to make sure that none of the secret accountants did something wrong, like misallocating a small percentage of the funds into a covert bank account or hiding a certain percentage in a seemingly innocent budget line. Plus, I’d have to make sure that no one creates any phantom employees to misallocate the funds. Hmm.

Reporter: That sounds like a demanding job.

Groseth: It is if I had that job. I’m sure that if I had that job, President Nixon would fully support me. Heck, I’m sure that once Congress finishes its investigation, Nixon and I will still be in our positions. And I think that’s all for tonight.

Reporter: But I have questions about the aliens fascists in our schools, and weredogs on the–

Groseth: Tell John (Olson) that if one of his reporters ever wakes me up again, I may or may not send the blue men after him.

Reporter: You mean the Men in Blue.

Groseth: Good night, good morning, whatever time it is!

History says that Groseth resigned as village president on May 7, 1974 after he was fired from his full-time job. This was followed by President Nixon’s resignation on August 9, 1974. History also says that the two resignations were unrelated.

Sources at the time told the Babbler that both men were removed from power following an audit of Clow’s covert budget. Though Groseth was acquitted by the Illuminati’s high court in 1976, and Nixon was pardoned in 1974, both men would never again be involved with Clow UFO base.

Tomorrow:  Patricia McDowell becomes Bolingbrook’s first female village president, and Publisher John Olson decides to do something about it! 

The year was 1968, the year after the summer of love. Residents were falling in love with their new homes. Visitors flocked to Bolingbrook to read the “far out” stories in the Babbler. Publisher John Olson loved his expanding staff and the Babbler’s new office across from Totura’s foods.

Nineteen-sixty-eight was also the year of violence and chaos. Inside Bolingbrook, space hippies tried to corrupt the minds of our children. Outside, unsavory elements edged on by communist mind control satellites rioted in the streets of Chicago. Young people turned to crime, rock music, and drugs. 

Bolingbrook residents demanded order. Bolingbrook’s politicians delivered: They founded the first police department in 1968. Trustee Robert Schanks then led a rebellion against Village President Jack Leonard to buy a new police car.

Then later in the year, Schanks unleashed Bolingbrook’s ultimate tool for law and order. He introduced it during his first and only in-depth interview with the Babbler.

Village President Schanks unveils the Men in Blue!
A Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive!

We were warned to expect something unusual when Village President Robert Schanks summed us in for an exclusive. So we hid one reporter in his office while another reporter conducted the interview. As you will see, our hidden reporter came out with the story Schanks doesn’t want you to read!

(Update 2017: Revision based on a clearer copy of the original issue.)

Schanks: Thank you for coming here on short notice.

Reporter: No problem. I’ve always wanted to interview you, but you never returned my calls!

Schanks: Are you the one who calls around midnight?

Reporter: You bet. Because you never take my calls at work, before work, during dinner, after dinner–

Schanks: I get the picture.

Reporter: So, is it true that the Bolingbrook police will be given special training to deal with the local space hippie commune?

Schanks (chuckles): No. I have something better.

(Two men, wearing blue sunglasses and blue suits, walk into the office.)

Reporter: Wow. Those are some far-out suits!

Schanks: Behold! The Men in Blue. They are Bolingbrook’s newest weapon against alien criminals and those who would expose Clow UFO base.

Reporter: Um, I think the suits are cool, but don’t you think they would stand out… Especially around all the cornfields? Won’t people start asking questions, and then turn to the Babbler for answers?

Schanks: Of course they’ll stand out. It’s so they’ll distract residents from the Girls in Green.

Reporter: Girls in Green?

Schanks: Enough about the Girls in Green! Ask me about the Men in Blue.

Reporter: Um, OK. What are these Men in Blue?

Schanks: They’re prototypes for the next generation of Men in Black. The Bilderberg Group provided them to us so we could test them out. These fearless enforcer clones are the key to maintaining local autonomy over Clow UFO base.

Reporter: I thought the Men in Black were the enforcers at Clow UFO Base.

Schanks: The Illuminati and the federal government are diverting resources to the war against alien communism. A young man sent me a letter saying that we should assume control over Clow’s security. By turning over Clow’s law enforcement to us, we’re helping the war effort and saving money. Next question!

Reporter: Are there any Women in Blue?

(Schanks and his advisor look at each other for a few seconds. They burst out laughing. Moments later, Schanks looks at the reporter.)

(2017 note: Remember this was 1968!)

Schanks: Next question, and be serious this time.

Reporter: So these Men in Blue will intimidate and harass anyone who tries to expose the truth about aliens in Bolingbrook?

Schanks: They will use the latest technology to persuade residents to preserve the status quo, and maintain law and order.

Reporter: Why are you telling me this? Doesn’t granting an exclusive interview with the Babbler defeat the purpose of the Men in Blue?

Schanks: Because you’re not going to tell Bolingbrook about the Men in Blue.

Reporter: You can’t stop me! I’m with the Babbler. I’m sworn to report the truth to Bolingbrook, no matter how unbelievable it is!

(A Man in Blue approaches the reporter.)

Schanks: This is really a test of their memory-altering slap!

Reporter: You can’t be serious! That’s un–

(Man in Blue slaps the reporter. The reporter looks dazed.)

Man in Blue: You came here to interview the Village President about Beaconridge. The village president denied that Beaconridge is being built over an ancient nuclear waste dump. His argument was persuasive that you are going to write an article defending Beaconridge. You’re even going to say that residents who move to Beaconridge will be the healthiest residents in Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Thank you Mr. Schanks! I’m going to spread the good news about Beaconridge! This will be my best article ever! Thank you!”

(Reporter leaves.)

Schanks: We are going to use a different method to alter the memories of women, right?

Advisor: Absolutely.

Today, the Men in Blue still maintain order at Clow UFO Base and contribute to a coverup of Bolingbrook’s alien visitors.

Tomorrow: Thomas Groseth unknowingly starts on a path that will threaten the political stability of Bolingbrook! 

From the editor: 

As our webmaster takes a well-earned vacation, we’re going to repost our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s mayors. From Jack Leonard to current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, and we won’t forget current Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.

We head into 2022, possibly on the verge of a wave of COVID Omicron variant infections. Inflation is rising, though nowhere near the double-digit rates of the 1970s. The 2022 election looks to be yet another most important election of our lives, and, sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.

It’s times like these when we need to remember that Bolingbrook has gone through hard and dangerous times before and survived. That doesn’t guarantee Bolingbrook’s future, but it gives us a reason to be hopeful.

So watch this website, as we look back on Bolingbrook’s great, and not so great, leaders. Some may have left us for the great subdivision in the sky, but the Babbler will not forget them.

Also in the Babbler: 

Santa gets his booster shot in Bolingbrook
Venusian scientists confirm their COVID Vaccine works against Omicron Variant
Martian Colonies to double the number of soldiers in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/21

The League of Assertive Women and sources within Bolingbrook’s Chamber of Commerce confirmed that Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar ordered the cancelation of a convention of “Karens.”

“They demanded to speak with the manager of Bolingbrook,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her real name.  “I’ll bet they’re regretting that decision now.”

“Karen” is a slang term for a white-middle-aged woman who feels entitled to unreasonable special treatment.  The term includes women who demand to speak to the manager to belittle service employees, as well as white women endangering and assaulting minorities after falsely accusing their victims of committing crimes. The male version is called either “Ken” or “Kevin.”

While the theme of the League’s Bolingbrook convention was “You work for me!”, the organizers insisted they were not “Karens.”

“Don’t ever call us that!” said Carol X. Brock, president of the group.  “It is sexist to deny us what we deserve and we have a right to put people in their place.  I need to speak to your manager now.”

Bolingbrook’s 911 dispatchers, according to anonymous sources, received over 10,000 calls on the first day of the convention.

“There were a few real calls,” said one operator.  “But most were ridiculous— Like people claiming they were suffering from CO2 poisoning after wearing a mask for a few seconds.  The worst claimed that rioters were attacking a building.  When she gave me the address, I explained it was just Muslims gathering at one of our mosques.  She claimed that it wasn’t a mosque because she personally knew the owners and insisted they were Christians.  Then she demanded to speak with my supervisor. Some days I really hate this job.”

Due to the call volume, some eyewitnesses claim Bolingbrook police chief Mike Rompa personally addressed the organizers.  The same eyewitnesses say Rompa politely asked them to tell their attendee to be more responsible before calling 911.

The witnesses said the word ‘responsible’ seemed to enrage the organizers.  Brock then threatened to call the state police and accused Rompa of threatening to go “Drew Peterson” on them.

“You know my body camera is on,” Rompa replied.

“You can’t record us!” Brock screamed. “I want to speak to your manager!”

Both village managers and Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arrived.  Alexander-Basta promised to refund the local hotel tax if the attendees would just leave the police alone and stop calling 911.

Brock then accused Alexander-Basta, who was more than six feet away, of assaulting her.

“I see you are lying,” yelled Rompa. “The Mayor isn’t hurting you, and would never hurt you.”

“She’s hurting my feelings.  That’s assault!”

“Did you mean to say that she’s ‘insulting you?’”

“What’s the difference?”

The organizers demanded to speak with Alexander-Basta’s “supervisor.” She walked away.  Several minutes later, Claar arrived with Alexander-Basta and demanded to know why the organizers were interrupting his “family time.”  The organizers started reciting their complaints, but Claar stopped them a few seconds later.

“Do you have any real problems?” he asked.

“All of our problems are real and now you’re one of them.”

“How dare you,” snapped Claar.

“How dare you!” protested Brock.  “I want to speak to your supervisor.”

Claar turned red and yelled, “I don’t need a supervisor.  I am Bolingbrook.  I am as high up as you will get around here.  I’ve heard enough of your complaints, and I  won’t miss having you as tourists here.  Now get out of my village before I deport all of you!”

“You can’t kick us out,” Brock replied, “Because we’re leaving.  I wish I could give Bolingbrook zero stars.”

After the organizers stormed off, Alexander-Basta and Claar fist-bumped each other and left.

A receptionist said Alexander-Basta was busy and couldn’t comment on the story.

“So is a group of Karens called a Complaint, a Facebook Group, or a Class Action Lawsuit?” asked the receptionist.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Very clever, Michael.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied, “What are you talking about?”

“That post you wrote about panhandling. You successfully gave the impression that the state government is preventing us from dealing with panhandlers.”

“I did not,” protested Carpanzano.  “I linked to an article that specifically said a Federal Court ruled Illinois’s panhandling law unconstitutional.”

“And how many people actually follow links?”

“What matters is I put the link into the article.”

“And threw in a concluding paragraph that isn’t supported by that link.  Now most readers will blame the state government for aggressive panhandlers instead of a radical Supreme Court.  That’s clever, Michael.”

“I will neither confirm, nor deny your opinion of my posting style.”

Also in the Babbler:

Fountaindale Library begs local writers to stop submitting post-apocalyptic ebooks
Anti-vaccination alien terrorists executed at Palatine’s UFO Base
Nobody shows up for insurrection against the Village of Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/24/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.