An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”
Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano. The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards. The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.
“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified. “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”
A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema. According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries. The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.
“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied. “I just want to be the center of attention. And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”
“A place in the Republican Party?”
“No, silly.” Sinema giggled. “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green. Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”
“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.
“Whatever,” Sinema replied. “You still haven’t given me anything.”
“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”
“Not anymore. I now have a new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”
“You’re mad!” said the agent. “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”
“So?” Sinema asked. “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me. They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”
According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.
“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema. “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”
“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God. I signed up to purge Democrats. Count me out of this.”
“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.
At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman. Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent. The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.
“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness. “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”
Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines.
“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.
Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:
“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away. Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me. It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona. Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller. One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt. I barely got out before they crushed my car. I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car. She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’ The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”
Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent. The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.
“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said. “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”
Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:
“Of course I’m not answering your question. You’d stop paying attention to me if I did. Don’t hang up!”
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:
“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”
Also in the Babbler:
Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.