Web Exclusive: Police save Village Board meeting from performance artists (Fiction)


The Bolingbrook police secret cybercrime team prevented the April 25 board meeting from becoming a work of “performance art.”

According to police inside sources, the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook tried to promote the 4/25/17 Village Board meeting as an “encore presentation of our greatest play, Village of the Bored!”  Since 1983, members of the mysterious league have attempted to “re-appropriate” public events in Bolingbrook as works of performance art.  Their most notable production was the 6/9/09  Village Board meeting.  Their last production was A Village for Old Men in 2015, which appropriated Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.

A member of the cybercrime team, who asked to be called Anita, explained why the team couldn’t let this performance go on:  “These hoaxes start out as jokes. They are like broken windows.  They lead to greater crimes.  So today it’s people sending out phony press releases.  Tomorrow it’s people sending death threats for ‘the lulz.’  In a few weeks, the village board is hiding in elevator shafts, and the village is overrun with Internet trolls.  Our actions saved Bolingbrook.”

The sources agreed that the Bolingbrook police asked local newspapers not to cover the league’s press releases, and compelled Facebook to remove posts mentioning Village of the Bored.  On the day of the meeting, officers were on the alert for people handing out flyers or “program guides” for the “play.”

Team member “Zoe,” (not her real name), described how she protected Town Center: “I was standing by the door when I saw this guy with a backpack walking towards me.  I told him I wanted to search it.  He called me a TSA Officer in the airport of life.  I approached him, and he ran away.  I’m pretty sure he was a member of the league.  I protected (Mayor Roger Claar) from having to read a ridiculous pamphlet.”

Two men did hear about the “performance.”

Dave described his experience:  “I was excited at first.  The mayor mentioned a canvas, and I thought it was going to be an audience participation activity.  As the meeting went on, something seemed off.  I checked the Bolingbrook website and realized I was watching a real meeting.  I was so embarrassed that I left before the mayor could laugh at me.”

John was less charitable:  “The writer of this play needed to show boredom not bore the audience!  That attempt at a tear-jerking speech near the end didn’t save this lazy production!”

The Bolingbrook Performance Art League sent an e-mail to the Babbler announcing that their next project would be placing frozen peaches around the village “to remind Roger that Bolingbrook is a part of the United States, and we will speak out no matter what.”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said that he was “giving an orientation to Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz”, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Look at all these fine beverages I keep in my office bar.  You know what, Bob?  None of them are for you.”