By Reporter X
Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.
According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.
“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”
Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County. The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.
“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen. “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it. Take only memories. Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”
Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”
Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet. Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first. If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”
Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions. Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:
“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it. It wasn’t stolen… It was just sitting on a driveway. No one was in it.”
Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:
“You guys hunt animals. I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer. Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”
A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.
In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”
“I want to hear it in your own words.”
“Sure. First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”
“Isn’t that a contradiction?”
“You’re over-thinking it. Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”
“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates? But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”
“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID. But I don’t want the slate to win. I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”
“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”
“(Name Redacted) is right. You are unethical.”
“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election. You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”
“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”
“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”
Watts then shouted: “La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good!”
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.