New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Tensions flare at the Clow UFO Base Village Trustee Candidates’ Forum

By Reporter X

Heated arguments and a candidate’s expulsion highlighted the Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidates’ forum at Clow UFO Base. Some say it was the first and possibly only such forum.

“We probably shouldn’t have held the debate in the middle of the petition challenge segment of the campaign,” said Acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox.  “But it was the only time the stadium was available.  This is an important debate because one of these parties, or a coalition of parties, could end up controlling the village board.  That means when the Interstellar Commonwealth returns Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook, the winning party will control this base.”

The debate started with the moderator explaining political debates as “a traditional human game of rhetorical wordplay and logical fallacies disguised as public policy inquiry.”  The moderator said they would forgo the traditional speech about the audience remaining silent because, “Human politics is a participation sport.”  All three parties, Bolingbrook First, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, had cheerleaders in the audience.

The candidates introduced themselves, though First Party candidate Mary Alexander-Basta’s intro was awkward:  “Hi.  My name is insert name here.  I’m running for Bolingbrook Village Trustee because I care.  List the things you care about in Bolingbrook.  Mention your work with the Bolingbrook Stem Association.  If you care about Bolingbrook, then take care to vote for me.”

First Party candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “That was the template you were supposed to use to write your speech.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I thought it was some kind of alien introduction.  I just found out that UFOs were real a few weeks ago.”

After the introductions, the moderator asked Bolingbrook United candidate Jaime Olson about her community work.  She talked about being a girl scout leader, and the creator of the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.

First Party candidate Michale Carpanzano replied:  “Did you hear that?  Silence.  Minutes of silence.  She has done nothing for Bolingbrook, while I am the Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook and as a Mayor, I mean as a trustee, I will do more to promote Roger than any other trustee in history.”

“Wow,” said Olson.  “I didn’t realize you blocked people offline as well as on Facebook.”

“She couldn’t answer me!  She doesn’t care.  I do. Vote for me.”

A large portion of the debate then turned into an argument between the First Party candidates and Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver.  Oliver claimed that she was defending the legacy of the Bolingbrook First.

“All residents are for Bolingbrook, but we are the only party that puts Bolingbrook First.  Just look at our membership.  Trustee Rick Morales has the most votes against Roger of all the sitting trustees.  Why?  Because he puts Bolingbrook first.  (Village Clerk Carol Penning) puts Bolingbrook First, and she has a copy of our sticker on her desk.  Not a First Party for Bolingbrook sticker.  A Bolingbrook First sticker!  Even though Roger quit our party, she’s defiantly showing her support for Bolingbrook First.  I have a message for Carol: Hang in there sister.  Help is on the way.”

The First Party candidates countered that she stole the “Bolingbrook First” name.

“Roger is Bolingbrook,” said Watts.  “He’s the reason Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America.  Any party that Roger isn’t a member of doesn’t care about Bolingbrook. You’re just trying to confuse voters.  The Edgar County Watchdogs say your complaint is without merit.”

“I can’t believe you’re putting downstate Illuminati agitators before the interests of Bolingbrook,” replied Oliver.  “The law says a new party cannot include the name of any established party in their name.  Your party’s name includes a ‘First’ and a ‘Bolingbrook.’  The law doesn’t specify what order the words have to be in.  It just says you can’t have those words in your name.”  Oliver later said, “None of you complained when we kicked Bonnie off the ballot or rejected a petition to elect trustees by districts.  I am continuing the Bolingbrook First party tradition of making sure that we only face worthy challengers.  Each of you decided to form a new party rather than face me in a primary.  Do you thank that makes any of you worthy challengers?”

Carpanzano yelled at Oliver that she shouldn’t question his worthiness to run for office:  “I saved the Bolingbrook Park District by passing off a tax increase as a tax cut.  I created the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  The only online hub for Bolingbrook events!  I have done more to promote Bolingbrook than you ever will.  That alone qualifies me to be the mayor—I mean a trustee!”

When the moderator asked Carpanzano to be quiet, Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it up towards the moderator.

“Carping the moderator is against debate rules.  You will un-carp me at once.”

Carpanzano kept yelling at Oliver.  The moderator ordered Carpanzano removed from Clow.  Four guards picked him up and carried him away.  As he was carried away, Carpanzano waved his rubber carp at the audience.

“You can’t remove me!  I’m Michael Carpanzano!  I thought there was intelligent life beyond Bolingbrook.  I was wrong!”

After Carpanzano’s removal, the moderator asked why Bolingbrook United hadn’t published a party platform.  Bolingbrook United candidate Ajaz Gill replied that their platforms would be posted on their website soon.  He then announced that if elected, the Bolingbrook United candidates would work to create an ethics committee to oversee alien abductions in Bolingbrook:

“Right now all aliens have to do is pay a fee and they can abduct any resident that isn’t on the restricted list.  That has to end.  Bolingbrook United wants to ensure that all alien experiments conducted in Bolingbrook are ethical and respect the dignity of all residents.”

Watts shook his head.  “That sounds like something a Cook County member of the New World Order would say.  As I’ve said before, and I will say it again, we need to elect trustees who won’t push divisive secret society politics in Bolingbrook. Because I care about important local issues.”

“I have a question,” asked Bolingbrook United candidate Terri Ransom.  “If your party, whatever you want to call it, is so focused on local issues, why does it make donations to candidates outside of Bolingbrook?  Especially this donation to former Representative Peter Roskam?  You do realize that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District?”

Watts put is fingers in his ears and said, “La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me!  STEM is good!”

After the debate, each party had representatives try to spin coverage of the debate in their favor.

“Look,” said Claar.  “Michael apologized for insulting most of humanity and every other spacefaring race in the galaxy.  What more do you want?”

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and Bolingbrook United member said, “Our candidates showed our visitors that we will bring fresh ideas and new energy into Village Hall.”

DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer spoke in support of Oliver:  “I think Maripat sent a clear message to Roger that you do not mess with the award-winning slate and not pay a price.  I call on Roger to end his war against our township and to send his dogs back to Edgar County.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone and Palatine UFO bases to open this week
Russians deny responsibility for the local heat wave
Interstellar Commonwealth to pay salaries of federal workers at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/10/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Mayor Claar leads delegation to Bolingbrook’s sister planet (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Roger Claar visited Bolingbrook’s sister planet, Bogingabook, to mark the twentieth anniversary of their sisterhood agreement.

Crystal alien addressing an audience.

File photo of a resident of Bolingbrook’s sister planet.

“When I first heard that there was a planet with a name similar to Bolingbrook,” said Claar to the interstellar press corps, “It was as if the universe was telling me to make them a sister community to Bolingbrook.”

Claar also told the press that neither tax dollars, nor the village’s covert funds, were used to pay for the trip:  “I used my interstellar campaign fund to pay for this delegation.  There are constituents on this planet that I’d like to meet, and we have other campaign business to conduct…And no, it does not involve abducting residents and brainwashing them into voting for the Bolingbrook First Party!”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is running for reelection in 2019, recorded part of a campaign ad on Bogingabook:

“I love STEM and I love Bolingbrook,” said Watts, reading his lines.  “Not only was I mentored by Leroy Brown, but I’m also a nice guy.  I deserve your vote for Trustee in this election, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to make you vote for me.  I might even host a surprise event at your favorite restaurant, or canvass your home.  Whatever it takes to win, I will do, because this nice guy doesn’t believe in finishing last.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland read Bolingbrook’s community announcements before an excited audience of 100,000 fans.

“You are the best silicon-based beings I have ever had the pleasure of reading to,” said Hoogland.  After minutes of cheering, she announced that she was not running for re-election.  “I understand that my true calling in life is to tour the Milky Way and read announcements. I love all of you!”

“We love you too,” replied one audience member.  “In a non-mating way!”

The delegation also visited a reception with the political leaders of Bogingabook.  While leaders and delegation members gave speeches full of pleasantries, there was some tension when Claar introduced himself to the son of Bogingabook’s former ambassador, Conlosi:

“Hello,” Claar said to Conlosi.  “Did you know that your father plagiarized Star Trek when he called my residents ‘ugly bags of water?’”

“It’s not plagiarism if it is a statement of fact,” replied Conlosi.  “Humans are up to 60% water and are undeniably ugly to us.  Besides, did you know that your offspring insulted my father?”

“My daughter didn’t insult your father,” replied Claar.  “She objectively pointed out that your father’s crystal brain was pretty, and I still agree with her.”

“If my father were still alive,” said Conlosi, “He would try to kill you for saying that.  Fortunately for you, my culture underwent a great gender revolution, and we are no longer obsessed with our reproductive appendages.  So I will make you feel better by imitating the sound that you call laughter.”

“Actually,” said Claar.  “I would feel more at ease if I made a small donation to your favorite interstellar charity.”

Claar then transferred credits to the charity.

“Where are your other trustee candidates,” asked Conlosi.

“They’re still getting their security clearances from the Illuminati.  It’s an expensive process, but we’ll work it out in the end.”

“Impressive!  You had a great expense but still donated money to my charity.  I must repay you by making a large donation to your interstellar campaign fund.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I insist.”

Claar accepted the donation.  Later he spoke with Watts:  “Sheldon, sisters communities are just like real sisters.  Some days they want to kill you.  Other days they love you as if you mean the world to them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents concerned as Venus citizens buy Bolingbrook homes
Palatine’s Mayor still in the dark about new UFO Base
Claar begs President Trump not to impose tariffs on Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/22/18

Web Exclusive: ‘Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?’: A Babbler post-election special report (Fiction)

The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:

Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar

When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.

“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled.  “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature!  What do you mean you canceled it?”

According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.

“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous.  “He did give us Clow UFO Base.  However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies.  We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit.  The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”

Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.

“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader.  “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her.  As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats.  He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”

Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article.  The Babbler rejected her request.

This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:

“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years.  Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”

“Shut-up!” snapped Claar.  “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!”

Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory

by Reporter X

Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.  

“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire.  “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans.  He’s come a long way.  Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”

Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference:  “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species.  I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you.  I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership.  My work has just started.”

Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.

A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map!  My beautiful gerrymandered map.  I loved you, and you betrayed me!  Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”

Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots

Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged  “Brookes Brothers rioters.”

“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name.  “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”

Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.

“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer.  “But rioting wasn’t going to help.  Turns out she won fair and square.  It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats.  I guess that’s what the voters want.”

A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88. Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base could soon allow transgender humans to apply for refugee status.

“If Donald Trump and the Illuminati enact their plan to erase transgendered humans,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference, “Then, under Interstellar Commonwealth policy, my staff is required to consider permitting transgender refugees into Clow.  I just ordered my staff to start their review and to make a recommendation by the end of next month.”

Glomox said she ordered the review after receiving intelligence reports from the Interstellar Commonwealth, and after reading a New York Times article about the Trump Administration’s proposal. The proposal defines a human’s gender identity only by their genitals.  Such a decision would revoke guidelines established by the Obama administration that protected trans individuals against discrimination.

“I would like to say that this decision represents primitive binary human thinking,” said Glomox.  “But many humans know that biological sex is a spectrum, not a binary. One cannot base their gender identity solely on biology.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also an Illuminati leader, did not dispute Glomox’s scientific claims.  “Since First Contact in the late 1940s, the Interstellar Commonwealth has never granted refugee status to any human or human grouping.  Never.  Why now?  I don’t understand.  I am very disappointed to see that Trump-phobia has reached the stars.”

Claar also added that he attended the Bolingbrook Pride event, and his interstellar charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning, does not discriminate on the basis of sex or gender identity.  

Then he said: “I’m concerned that this could lead to caravans of transpeople converging on Bolingbrook.  The refugee screening process can take up to two years.   That means thousands of people congregating in Bolingbrook with no interest in buying a home.  They’re going to rent, and that means lower property values for the rest of us.  I told Aplodoxage this, but obviously, my voice doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m only the longest severing mayor in Bolingbrook’s history. Why should it matter?”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order and Bolingbrook Pride, said people of all sexualities are welcome in Bolingbrook.

“If Roger doesn’t want a refugee crisis in Bolingbrook, maybe he should tell the President not to create one in the first place.”  He later added, “Bolingbrook needs to be an example for Illinois and the rest of the world to follow.  Part of that example should include acceptance of our residents and visitors, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.”  He then turned towards Claar, and said: “You can consider that part of Bolingbrook’s United political platform.”

Glomox said all refugees who pass the background checks would be resettled throughout the galaxy.  Unfortunately, most would never be allowed back on Earth.

“I agree with Bob.  It would be better if humans stopped treating their trans members as debate topics and started treating them as full human beings.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone UFO base on track for January opening
Editorial: Not every Will County politician or activist is guilty of a crime
Barrington’s estate owning residents worried about increased UFO traffic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/18

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18