This is a post where I am going to be expressing some difficult feelings that I’ve been dealing with. The point is to get these thoughts about them out there concretely so I can deal with them better. Get on with my life despite them.

As I start this I’m in the middle of some downtime at work. I used to like that I had a lot of time to think at work but now that works against me. Now it is time that the feelings can use to appear and make life more difficult. I can’t avoid them.

Something happened in my life over a year ago. Something I have mentioned here but don’t want to get specific about in this post. I’m focusing on the effects and dealing with them, and I don’t want to cause any problems with the subject, it’s complicated and involves other people. I trust that it had to happen, I just can’t help the effects.

My life and my environment changed. Necessarily and unavoidably. The loss that involved is deep and I changed. Whatever I was interested in was affected, whatever I usually like to do was affected. What and who I am was affected. And now no matter what I’m doing there’s an ever present feeling of loss, longing, waiting, isolation, insecurity…But I still have to live, so I need to deal with the associated feelings and move forward.

It affects my time at work. Lingering in the background of my thoughts during and between tasks. It started affecting and mixing in with my feelings about my job and job tasks which is something that inspired this post. I started, not dreading precisely but less intensely the admittedly tedious and repetitive nature of my work. It’s not a bad job but I do clean and throw things away for a living.

It affects what I blog about and comment about. I tend to blog about what is happening in my life and what I’ve been thinking about and this has been a big part of that. It’s what I’m dealing with. It took away the passion for other things and I don’t like that. So I’ll use this space to figure it out. I don’t like how my ability to comment or otherwise communicate elsewhere has been affected. The effects have taken some of my voice. Maybe that’s a challenge for me, find something, anything to say about things elsewhere so I’m not as “shut down” maybe.

It affects me when I try to do things I enjoy like play video games. I get this feeling of, wrongness maybe. An anxiety like feeling in my heart. Is it the changed environment? I have been pushing through it with some Halo Legends and Minecraft. I shouldn’t let this affect my ability to enjoy a hobby. These are the things I like to do, I need some of those.

It affects my desire to go out and do things like see a movie or go to the zoo. These are things I should be able to go and do and enjoy on my own. This mixes with my codependency issues I think, so it’s not just what happened. I’ve always done things like this with other people and I’ve gone to see one movie on my own. It felt somewhat isolating when I wasn’t paying attention to the movie.

It’s lurking in the background while I try to think about and plan for my future. These plans of mine to go back to school and try to become a radiology technologist. I was already struggling there though with feelings of, is it worth it? My past failures as a research scientist, then teacher, then health technician. But I’m moving forward bit by bit. Making plans and acting on them. I just want to do it with less unrelated pain. Waiting for something (or some other feeling) related to the community college gets mixed up with feelings of waiting in other areas and if I’m not careful they feed on one another and I start to spiral.

Now that I’m typing about this I can recognize that as a major challenge. Categorically similar feelings in different areas combining to cause extra trouble in living. Is that a named thing in psychology? I bet it is but I don’t know what. Longing here making longing there worse. Insecurity here making insecurity there worse. Grounding myself so that I pull out of a spiral seems to be what helps. Along with some self compassion.

These feelings have also affected my desire to learn to make new friends. Here the effect is a bit different. I want to be able to make new friends more. Like I’m more anxious to be able to do it. I’m still a bit anxious about each individual step though. And I guess I’m a bit more hesitant to contact old friends. It’s confusing and I’m going to do something about it. See how those friends are doing.

I need to get these effects under control. I need to live my life the way I want. Deal with individual things and their associated feelings as they are and not as a mix with other things. Being human is annoying the way similar feelings can mix and make individual things more complicated. But all of this can be controlled and I will control them.

I recently went through an intense anxiety spell that made friends difficult. I’ve since improved and reconnected with a couple of old friends here where I live. Still, I want to make some new friends. It’s something I’ve never been good at and so I’ve been doing things to figure that out.

This experience makes me wish for a secular alternative to church. Churchgoers have an advantage when trying to find new friends. They have a lot of people around them on a regular basis.

There’s this formula I’ve got in my head.

1. Find a way to spend an extended amount of time with new people.
2. Get to know the new people and try to make some new friends among them.

The biggest concrete thing I’ve done in 1 is to sign up for interest in the fall/winter bowling leagues that are forming at local alleys. I miss bowling and this seems like a good opportunity. Hopefully a weekend league forms that I can go to because my job makes weekdays impossible.

The next thing I’ve done is to go over the Tucson groups on meetup.com’s app over and over looking for something I can get interested in. This one is tough. Most of the groups aren’t things I do, or am interested in doing, or are inconvenient in some way. I’m not musical, artistic, into photography, interested in book clubs… Meditation isn’t interactive, the hiking groups are hiking too far away for me to do regularly, the local atheist group has weekday activities, where are my people? Who are my people? My standards might have to shift and I may have to give something a try anyway though the thought gives me some anxiety. Maybe that’s a sign that I should do that. Maybe I could give a book club a try? There’re still other groups in there I haven’t mentioned and while I’m not philosophically inclined as far as knowing philosophers and their works I do like to discuss philosophical questions.

I’ve also explored local city community recreation centers. Unfortunately there’s nothing like a board with posts of people trying to organize things like at meetup. There’s an online list of activities to sign up for. And also unfortunately the overwhelming majority of activities are geared towards parents with children and not lonely 48 year olds. The one 18+ possibility was tai chi.

I also joined a couple of meeting and friend finding groups on Facebook. The meeting associated groups seem overrun with people advertising their businesses, like bars. I want to avoid bars. The friend finding group has more promise and I posted introducing myself. There are a bunch of people introducing themselves but not a lot of going and doing things so far. I may post and see who wants to go bowling or meet and chat at a coffee shop at some point soon.

A possibility is the app Nextdoor. I’m not sure how it can be used to make friends yet. But it’s a bunch of immediate neighbors posting. I’ve just started considering the possibility and I don’t have a lot of ideas about how to use Nextdoor here yet. But it seems possible.

Local publications that advertise events don’t really work out because they are usually one shot events and not something regular. I need a regular event for time around the same people.

I recently discovered that there are apps for friend finding. Like Bumble for Friends. I have not tried this yet and it’s on my list of things to do. It’s going to feel awkward though.

In my experience some people make friends at work. How does that work? I’m by myself at the car dealership where I work, I clean the shop. It’s just me. So no one with a similar job to talk to. Everyone is busy doing their own things while I do my thing and I don’t know anything about their things. Still, I sometimes chat at lunch which I take at a time most others don’t. Maybe something can happen someday. I arrive later and usually leave last. Maybe I’m missing something or my anxiety is getting to me somewhere.

Finally there is volunteer work. I’m working on this with my therapist but when I think about volunteering I get anxious and sad. I don’t know why. That’s not a good thing. I should be able to help out and there’s something deeper going on I need to figure out. There’s also the tension of volunteering to make friends when the volunteer work should be at least as important. I wouldn’t be doing it for the right reasons.

I’m going to keep at it. The longing for connection won’t let me do anything else.

Anyone have any thoughts? Have I missed something? What’s worked for you when making friends as an adult?

This is an exercise in expressing feelings to deal with them. I do welcome comments and observations, I just want to explain things

I asked ChatGTP. “I have a degree in cellular and molecular biology that I never used in over a decade because of the economic problems in 2008-2009. Is it possible to come back from that?”

I wasn’t emotionally ready for the optimism of the response. I don’t think I’m serious but the financial setbacks with radiology have depressed me. I don’t know what to do but sit with this right now. I’m in a lot of pain.

“Yes, it is absolutely possible to come back from that — and you’re not alone. Many people stepped away from their original career paths due to the 2008–2009 financial crisis and are now reconsidering or returning to science, healthcare, or biotech. The important thing is how you position your background and how you move forward from here.”

It told me my strengths were in having the degree, the real life experiences, and that the science foundation doesn’t go away. These are all still real skills, transferable, and haven’t gone away.

The challenges are in the gap, the evolution of technology and methods, and my confidence and direction. What is that gap filled with? An attempt to become a school teacher while working as a substitute teacher. A mental health technician and then just health technician assisting nurses. And finally janitorial work, what I’m doing now. It’s a story about giving up bit by bit.

It farther told me I need to: refresh my knowledge, build a modern resume, look for reentry opportunities, volunteer or intern, and network. And in 6-12 months I could actually get back in. There was more details, I’m summarizing.

I told it “I don’t know if I can come back. I’ve been working as a janitor.”

It responded “Yes, you absolutely can come back — even after working as a janitor. That doesn’t disqualify you. In fact, it says something powerful: that you’re resilient, you’ve worked hard, and you haven’t given up. A lot of brilliant people had their careers derailed by forces outside their control — the 2008 financial crash was brutal, and you’re not the only one whose science degree sat on the shelf while life demanded something else. What matters now is what you do next.”

It then suggested I start small and get some recent science exposure. Volunteer positions or short-term internships. And get some free or low-cost courses to refresh my skills. And to reframe this as a story of resilience. It gave me more details than this, I’m summarizing.

A piece of me wants to do this very much. But I don’t know how to do the steps. It’s like my mind shuts down and I can’t access the parts necessary. It HURTS.

So I asked again “How do I find volunteer positions like you suggest?”

And it outlined a strategic approach to finding a volunteer position noting that many labs are open to having volunteers even if it isn’t advertised. It even gave me a sample email.

“Subject: Volunteer Interest – Former Biology Grad Looking to Reenter the Field

Dear Dr. [Name],

I’m a graduate in cellular and molecular biology looking to return to the field after time away due to economic circumstances. I’m currently working to refresh my lab skills and would be grateful for the opportunity to volunteer in a lab setting, even in a support role.

I’m hardworking, detail-oriented, and available [mention your availability]. I’d be happy to help with routine lab tasks or learn new techniques.

Thank you for considering this — I understand how busy labs can be and appreciate your time.

Best regards,
[Your Full Name]
[Contact Info]”

I’m frankly shocked at just how useful ChatGTP is here. I ask it a question about the extremely painful thing and it gives me what I want or need. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this yet. I can’t say I’ve gotten hope back, but I can imagine a process that I couldn’t before because of pain.

I still want to pursue radiology technologist if my family is willing to loan me the money to live off of. The pay is much better and I always loved technical work. But I’m going to think about these experiences with ChatGTP. I didn’t expect to see a reason for success in going back. This is a lot of feelings to sort through and there’s things like the Trump administration’s affects on science as a US industry to consider. I may have a lot of competition.

Any medical technical professionals reading and willing to share? My school plans have hit a problem. I’m going to try to think creatively for solutions.

As I mentioned previously, I was planning on going back to school to be a radiologic technologist. I wanted to take out a loan to live off of for several years while I do the associate’s degree. This way I can focus on my studies and pay the loan back with the higher paycheck, and with the loan itself while I’m in classes. I was just told it might not be possible to find the loan that I wanted by a credit union and some banks.

The most I’ve found was a 25k personal loan and I need something like 60 to 80k for 2 to 3 years worth of bills while I take classes. I was told no because they don’t like the fact that I won’t be working, or because I don’t have any assets, or they don’t offer loans for living expenses, or… An excellent credit score doesn’t get you that far I guess. I have to actually own a home for collateral.

I haven’t given up! I’m just rethinking some things. I have the savings to cover tuition (not books and other expenses like clothes). But I figure I’ll need at least 30k a year if I’m living by myself. There’s financial aid but I have to actually be taking classes for that to be a thing. So I actually have to start a process with some money in order to start hunting down grants and loans. If I run out of money that’s bad. I have some savings but only for about a third of a year and who wants to lose emergency money? A conundrum.

I have a relative who has made a very generous offer but I can’t treat that like it’s real until it is real, they just graduated and need to get a job. They have been similarly generous before. Another relative has said they would like to do similar things but that is less certain. I want to act like I have to do this on my own until I know for sure. It’s responsible of me to try to make it work anyhow.

So far the best I can think of is to get the smaller loan, get my foot in the door academically by taking some classes, and applying for a lot of financial aid, as much as I can find. My time will be divided with financial aid hunting but that doesn’t seem so bad. Still, are there other funding sources I’m unaware of? Does anyone know? How did you pay for your school?

There’s an extra annoying part I want to vent about too. I need to take 4 classes just to qualify for the radiology technologist program, and they only take a certain number of people. So that academic foot in the door will not include being registered in that program. I need to find out what I will be registered as during that time because it could affect financial aid. I sure wish this was simpler. At least they accepted a semester of classes I took in the past as transferable credit.

I have a codependency problem, it affects basically everything. This is when one person excessively relies on others emotionally or in other ways and the other person enables it. My separation from my wife for example is like a weight on everything, even blog posting. My therapist introduced me to a codependency anonymous group. This is of course a 12-step group and as an atheist the whole higher power thing is kind of complicated. I have a solution to that that I’ve considered my whole life though.

My higher power is society itself. We are social primates and while we should be individually strong we are meant to do things together as well and so there are whole extra brain systems involved in social behavior. We evolved to do things as a group and so there are advantages to having a group when facing individual problems.

Additionally, this is a very interesting 12-step group because of the codependency angle. It’s about problematic relationships with individuals and groups. They have an interesting angle where they “take what you want and leave the rest” according to some discussion I’ve found. So you don’t have to accept all the steps, and the whole dependency on a higher power is a bit undermined by the unique issue this group is dealing with, codependency. I don’t have to accept that I’m helpless on my own for example, I can accept that the group is a unique benefit when trying to solve my problems.

In the end, what I’m looking for is to be able to recognize the patterns in codependency, if I can do that, this group will serve my purpose. That it’s a 12-step group doesn’t have to get in the way and maybe I’ll even find something useful here. They know the things and I want to learn about the things. Still society can be awful so I should be cautious. What do you think?

I haven’t been totally paralyzed by my current life. I’m still trying to think about my future career-wise. Especially since I’m in my late 40s.

As I’ve mentioned previously I’m currently working as the shop janitor at a large car dealership. While the job is a good one, it takes a toll on my body. I have a large cart that holds 8 trash cans or 12-15 tires and can make 3-5 trips with it a day. And there’s 10 mop buckets that can need changed out every day.

And there’s also the fact that my schooling was meant to make me a research scientist. 2 bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree and this is what I’m doing? It burns sometimes though I try to avoid letting that eat at me. But what to do?

Lately I’ve settled on something in medical technologist work. It wouldn’t take more than a year or 2 of classes and the pay would be good. At first I thought nuclear medicine technologist since I’ve had experience with radioactive materials, but these degrees don’t tend to be online and Phoenix, AZ is the closest place with one, I want to stay in Tucson. So that brings me to radiology technologist. Not as high paying but 65k a year is still nice. A local community college offers that degree in 2 years.

Next is money. I’ve been able to save and I should be able to put enough away to cover the cost of the degree. Here is where it gets a bit more complicated. I doubt my current job will be compatible with the class schedule. I can find another job with more compatible hours, or take out a loan to live off of for 2 years or a combination of the 2. It would be nice to only worry about studying, but it would also be nice to not pay back a loan (I have no student debt otherwise).

I hear there are grants and such to help but have never been good at finding them. Maybe I’ll do better there this time. I also hear that if I work for a medical institution they help with school but I’m not sure what I can do there. Would I look like an equivalent to out of highschool on paper? Or would my education and experience count for something? Maybe they want a radiology technologist so help me with the idea that I come work for them? I think I have some optimism back. I’m paranoid about how my age factors into this though.

Nothing to do but make sure I meet the program requirements and take a couple of classes for now, the program starts twice a year and they only take 8 at a time. Not to mention getting in contact with their advisors and seeing what they think about the education I already have.

Well, that’s what’s new with me.

I had a dream about a cat who is no longer with us named Casper. He was a big grey and white medium haired cat with yellow eyes.

He was in a field behind the house, though we’ve never lived in a house with a field behind it. I called him over.

Suddenly his tail was shorter than it was. I was skritching him while he purred, realized I was dreaming and told him to bring the rest of his tail next time. Then I woke up. Good thing too because I probably wouldn’t have remembered that part if the dream went on longer.

That was nice.

I’ve been struggling to post because of how my life is so I’m hoping that posting about my life helps. It’s tricky because I’m not free to be totally open, other people are involved, but I’ll see what I can do.

I’m currently separated from my wife. We’ve drifted apart and something triggered our first fight. That led to us both doing therapy work on ourselves while things are figured out. I feel some confidence about what I need to change though and am working very hard to be worth it. It’s almost been a year. I hope she finds what she needs.

I’m living with my parents while I do my part. Sleeping on a couch with a TV on right next to me the rest of the time. I am seriously grateful to them for this. Especially since I’d been pressing them very hard to discuss some serious stuff they don’t want to. That’s all on hold while I’m in their house of course, this is their space. Our politics are opposed, I still love them though. I get to save money despite the difficulties. I’ve earned my place by catching 74 mice in their house. All caught live and released in a local park. Seriously.

I had to release them on weekends and this is what they do when they get more comfortable, stare at OUTSIDE. Or stare at one while it tries to jump out to learn. Smart. And cute. One even had babies and I raised them up to a releasing age. They still wanted OUT despite never having been OUT. I hope it’s worth it.

My best trap was a dog biscuit box with a cereal box inside and a plastic bag in that with dog food and peanut butter. I hear them, I cover the hole, I dump them into a tub. Easy.

Outside of therapy work and some games I’m having a hard time finding the energy to do much. I don’t have any meat space friends. I’m pretty isolated. I’m trying to get into situations where friends can be made, meetups and such, but it’s slow going. I have really severe social anxiety due to a lot of factors that I would rather do in a separate post. In short I didn’t get shown how to make friends, learned to distrust and fear people, and bullying in school with no friends in school (the tourette’s). I didn’t fully appreciate just how avoidant I was until after my attempt at graduate school, it never occurred to me to join professional groups for example. This is hard to change in my late 40s. But I’m working on it. A statistic in the loneliness epidemic.

I hear it gets harder for everyone to make friends as they get older. I wonder why that is. You’d think that because things get easier as you get age and experience it would happen here too. But no, many of us are separated in our way.

I may at least get off of the couch soon, my parents are emptying an extra room they were storing things in. That will help. And then maybe I can bring some stuff from the apartment, I’ve had an urge to play some Halo. My wife is nice about that part. If I want my stuff I can get my stuff.

I just wish I could do more of what I used to do politically. But I’m missing a balance in my life that prevents the rage and passion from consuming me. It’s ok to just work on myself when that’s what I need to do though.

This all came to mind while watching this video by Anton Petrov.

It’s a great video about the group of archaea that we seem to be descended from, in part. Look at those cellular appendages!

To summarize life, cellular life comes in 3 major groups: bacteria, archaea, and eukarya. The first 2 are single celled and the last one can be single or multicellular. We are eukaryotes.

What are eukaryotes?

The way we talk about this bugs me. An archaea engulfed a bacteria and the bacteria became modern mitochondria as the endosymbiotic theory goes. From there complex membrane systems evolved like the nuclear membrane and the endoplasmic reticulum. But when you look at the circular genome in the mitochondria it’s tiny, most of the genes for everything including mitochondrial ribosomes have moved to the nuclear genome.

We are bacterial-archaeal composites. The 2 earliest branches of the tree of life combined into the 3rd. We are just as evolved from an archaea as we are a bacteria. Identifying with the outside membrane and main genome is a kind of bias. We are both.

What was the nature of the evolution of 1 group of cells to 2?

Since there is evidence that the chemistry of alkaline hydrothermal vents is involved in the evolution of life, I wonder how that relates to the evolution of 2 major groups of cells before eukarya showed up? Archaea are extremophiles. They seem to like things like high temperature systems and other extreme conditions. Since the alkaline vents are like internal cellular chemistry cellular life likely evolved there first. But there are 2 kinds of hydrothermal vent systems, alkaline and magmatic.

I’m of the view that this life, maybe bacteria, then seeded the magmatic hydrothermal vents which resulted in archaea as the populations became separate. The 2 kinds of vents is what makes sense to me as a means of evolving bacteria and archaea and eventually the 2 met again allowing for eukarya.

Maybe I’m wrong but it’s an interesting thought.

Edited.

I live in Tucson and I’m in the process of looking for a board game meetup, but I play lots of games including video games. If anyone in Tucson who reads this blog or other FTB blogs wants another player for games I’d love to be considered.

After posting I realized I wasn’t sure if my email was available on my site so if anyone has room for another gamer my email is mudge80@gmail.com