The Roger Claar Party launches first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook (Fiction)


The Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, launched the first attack ad of 2019 campaign.  The ad accuses Claar’s official political party, now called First Party for Bolingbrook, of being disloyal to Claar.

The ad accuses the First Party’s current trustees of voting with Bolingbrook United Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz 99% of the time.  The ad also uses the party’s name in the last election, Bolingbrook First.

“Voters need to know the truth,” said David Nelson, chairman of the Roger Claar party.  “(First Party for Bolingbrook) would rather vote with the Anti-Roger, then support the greatest Mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.  

Charlene Spencer, Covert Social Media Operative for the First Party, says the percentage is correct but disputes the Roger Claar Party’s interpretation:

“We prefer to think that Bob votes with us 99% of the time,” said Spencer.  “It’s like an old TV show my grandparents used to watch.  In Bolingbrook, the First Party controls the horizontal and the vertical.  Bob’s just along for the ride.”

An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United denied that Bolingbrook United is working with the First Party:

“Only a Roger Claar fanatic would believe we’re in league with his party.  What this ad fails to take into account is that Bob has tried to put items on the agenda, but Roger refuses to put them on.  If Roger let the village board vote on Bob’s items, you would see the real contrast between us.”

The source also agreed that Jaskiewicz has voted with the other trustees close to 99% of the time:

“Most of the agenda items involve paying bills and mundane business necessary to keep the village running.  We’re not an obstructionist party.  Instead, we’ve tried to get our issues heard, despite Roger’s efforts to silence us.  We were responsible for the public forum on garbage toters.  We pressured Roger into sending a letter to Springfield urging the state to create sensible gun laws.  Bolingbrook United provides a voice to the residents who are not part of Roger’s political machine, no matter what he names it.”

Nelson insisted that Bolingbrook United and the First Party for Bolingbrook are working together:

“Jaime Olson runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.  (First Party Trustee candidate Michael Carpanzano) runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  Tell me that’s not evidence of coordination.”

The source insisted it wasn’t:

“Jaime started the Facebook group first.  Michael later started the Facebook page with the exact name without asking her.  As far as I’m concerned, he stole the idea from Jaime.  I could say more about him, but it would be unprintable.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not respond to the ad:

“Don’t you think if there really was a Roger Claar Party, that its members would have been jailed for electoral fraud years ago?”

In the background of the video chat, Spencer and a man who resembled Carpanzano walked into view.

“I don’t need your social media team,” said the man.  “If Facebook didn’t want us to block people, they wouldn’t have created the block button.”

Charlene replied:  “For normal people, yes.  But you’re a politician now.  Politicians have to at least pretend to be interested in what all their constituents have to say.  You might be able to block them, but you can’t block them offline—”

“Charlene, you may be smart, but you are young and naive.  You are talking to the man who passed off a tax increase as a tax cut.  Watch and learn.”

The man walked up to a woman.

“You must be Diane Kloepfer,” said the man.

“Yes.  You must know me from my posts in Bolingbrook Politics.”

“I know you as the woman who talked about running for office without Roger’s permission.”

The man pulled a rubber carp from his coat pocket, then held it up to her face.  A few moments later, he lowered the rubber fish and walked away.

“This is going to be a long campaign,” said Kloepfer.  

“Yes, it will be,” replied Charlene.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Russian snow attack
New World Order takes over the Bolingbrook First party
Babbler announces the opening of the Palatine bureau.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/30/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.