By Reporter X
Heated arguments and a candidate’s expulsion highlighted the Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidates’ forum at Clow UFO Base. Some say it was the first and possibly only such forum.
“We probably shouldn’t have held the debate in the middle of the petition challenge segment of the campaign,” said Acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox. “But it was the only time the stadium was available. This is an important debate because one of these parties, or a coalition of parties, could end up controlling the village board. That means when the Interstellar Commonwealth returns Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook, the winning party will control this base.”
The debate started with the moderator explaining political debates as “a traditional human game of rhetorical wordplay and logical fallacies disguised as public policy inquiry.” The moderator said they would forgo the traditional speech about the audience remaining silent because, “Human politics is a participation sport.” All three parties, Bolingbrook First, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, had cheerleaders in the audience.
The candidates introduced themselves, though First Party candidate Mary Alexander-Basta’s intro was awkward: “Hi. My name is insert name here. I’m running for Bolingbrook Village Trustee because I care. List the things you care about in Bolingbrook. Mention your work with the Bolingbrook Stem Association. If you care about Bolingbrook, then take care to vote for me.”
First Party candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “That was the template you were supposed to use to write your speech.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought it was some kind of alien introduction. I just found out that UFOs were real a few weeks ago.”
After the introductions, the moderator asked Bolingbrook United candidate Jaime Olson about her community work. She talked about being a girl scout leader, and the creator of the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.
First Party candidate Michale Carpanzano replied: “Did you hear that? Silence. Minutes of silence. She has done nothing for Bolingbrook, while I am the Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook and as a Mayor, I mean as a trustee, I will do more to promote Roger than any other trustee in history.”
“Wow,” said Olson. “I didn’t realize you blocked people offline as well as on Facebook.”
“She couldn’t answer me! She doesn’t care. I do. Vote for me.”
A large portion of the debate then turned into an argument between the First Party candidates and Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver. Oliver claimed that she was defending the legacy of the Bolingbrook First.
“All residents are for Bolingbrook, but we are the only party that puts Bolingbrook First. Just look at our membership. Trustee Rick Morales has the most votes against Roger of all the sitting trustees. Why? Because he puts Bolingbrook first. (Village Clerk Carol Penning) puts Bolingbrook First, and she has a copy of our sticker on her desk. Not a First Party for Bolingbrook sticker. A Bolingbrook First sticker! Even though Roger quit our party, she’s defiantly showing her support for Bolingbrook First. I have a message for Carol: Hang in there sister. Help is on the way.”
The First Party candidates countered that she stole the “Bolingbrook First” name.
“Roger is Bolingbrook,” said Watts. “He’s the reason Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America. Any party that Roger isn’t a member of doesn’t care about Bolingbrook. You’re just trying to confuse voters. The Edgar County Watchdogs say your complaint is without merit.”
“I can’t believe you’re putting downstate Illuminati agitators before the interests of Bolingbrook,” replied Oliver. “The law says a new party cannot include the name of any established party in their name. Your party’s name includes a ‘First’ and a ‘Bolingbrook.’ The law doesn’t specify what order the words have to be in. It just says you can’t have those words in your name.” Oliver later said, “None of you complained when we kicked Bonnie off the ballot or rejected a petition to elect trustees by districts. I am continuing the Bolingbrook First party tradition of making sure that we only face worthy challengers. Each of you decided to form a new party rather than face me in a primary. Do you thank that makes any of you worthy challengers?”
Carpanzano yelled at Oliver that she shouldn’t question his worthiness to run for office: “I saved the Bolingbrook Park District by passing off a tax increase as a tax cut. I created the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page. The only online hub for Bolingbrook events! I have done more to promote Bolingbrook than you ever will. That alone qualifies me to be the mayor—I mean a trustee!”
When the moderator asked Carpanzano to be quiet, Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it up towards the moderator.
“Carping the moderator is against debate rules. You will un-carp me at once.”
Carpanzano kept yelling at Oliver. The moderator ordered Carpanzano removed from Clow. Four guards picked him up and carried him away. As he was carried away, Carpanzano waved his rubber carp at the audience.
“You can’t remove me! I’m Michael Carpanzano! I thought there was intelligent life beyond Bolingbrook. I was wrong!”
After Carpanzano’s removal, the moderator asked why Bolingbrook United hadn’t published a party platform. Bolingbrook United candidate Ajaz Gill replied that their platforms would be posted on their website soon. He then announced that if elected, the Bolingbrook United candidates would work to create an ethics committee to oversee alien abductions in Bolingbrook:
“Right now all aliens have to do is pay a fee and they can abduct any resident that isn’t on the restricted list. That has to end. Bolingbrook United wants to ensure that all alien experiments conducted in Bolingbrook are ethical and respect the dignity of all residents.”
Watts shook his head. “That sounds like something a Cook County member of the New World Order would say. As I’ve said before, and I will say it again, we need to elect trustees who won’t push divisive secret society politics in Bolingbrook. Because I care about important local issues.”
“I have a question,” asked Bolingbrook United candidate Terri Ransom. “If your party, whatever you want to call it, is so focused on local issues, why does it make donations to candidates outside of Bolingbrook? Especially this donation to former Representative Peter Roskam? You do realize that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District?”
Watts put is fingers in his ears and said, “La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me! STEM is good!”
After the debate, each party had representatives try to spin coverage of the debate in their favor.
“Look,” said Claar. “Michael apologized for insulting most of humanity and every other spacefaring race in the galaxy. What more do you want?”
Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and Bolingbrook United member said, “Our candidates showed our visitors that we will bring fresh ideas and new energy into Village Hall.”
DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer spoke in support of Oliver: “I think Maripat sent a clear message to Roger that you do not mess with the award-winning slate and not pay a price. I call on Roger to end his war against our township and to send his dogs back to Edgar County.”
Also in the Babbler:
Peotone and Palatine UFO bases to open this week
Russians deny responsibility for the local heat wave
Interstellar Commonwealth to pay salaries of federal workers at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/10/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.