By Reporter X
The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend. The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.
Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.
Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:
“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars. First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents: How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes? Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes. We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”
Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:
“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases. If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”
Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.
In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center. The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.
Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:
“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.
“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”
“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”
Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.
“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”
“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier. A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician. As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”
Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown. He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:
“This not our country’s finest moment. This is not our species finest moment. We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating. I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district. Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”
Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration. He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall. He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:
“Palatine is a great community,” he said. “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”
The crowd gasped.
“Relax. I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside. I still can’t figure that one out.”
Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.
“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community. I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall. I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”
“Sure,” replied Xavier. “That’s the plan.”
A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.