Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)


The Illuminati honored Qanon for her controversial conspiracy theory Internet posts.  The secret ceremony was held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club:.

“Qanon’s work is inspiring Trump’s supporters around the world,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Instead of believing Trump is helping the Illuminati create global chaos, many now believe Trump is the mastermind behind an elaborate plan to bring down the deep state.  Instead of believing that Robert Mueller is investigating our President, many Internet thought leaders now believe Robert is really working for Trump.  Join me in welcoming and honoring Qanon. Ford!”

After Claar finished performing the glowing orb ceremony, Claar presented Qanon with the Adam Weishaupt Award for Excellence.  Qanon wiped away her tears before starting her acceptance speech: “Before I shoved my father into the HARP chamber, he said I would never amount to anything.  Dad, if you can see me from Hell, I want to say this: You suck!”

Qanon described her assent from the Illuminati scribe pool to a low-level Internet seer.  She admitted that she wasn’t satisfied with her career, but then her mentor gave her a special assignment:  “He tasked me with creating a post that would fool Trump supporters into thinking Donald was a political mastermind.  He explained that his high seers couldn’t get very far without suffering from uncontrollable laughing fits.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to help.”

She then explained how she created the first few posts: “I decided to use one of the oldest tricks in the book.  I just took pieces of various conspiracy theories, padded a few random facts, and threw in a photo every so often.  I hinted that Trump was a mastermind, and I implied that the truth would be revealed to the world any minute now.  Then, I let their imaginations run wild.  It worked better than I thought.”

According to Qanon, her posts on 4chan have spread to Reddit and Twitter.  She claims that there are over 92,000 YouTube videos about her work, PZ Myers hates her, and InfoWars editor Jerome Corsi writes about her posts. She stated:

“When Roseanne featured my work in one of her tweets, I knew that I had made it.”

Qanon does not expect her Internet notoriety to end any time soon.  “No one wants to think of themselves as an average Internet user.  They want to see themselves as geniuses.  They think they see the Matrix.  They think they’re special.  The Illuminati can and will use that to their advantage.  We can make a transgender allegory seem like an affirmation of ridged gender identity.  We can make administrative entropy seem normal, and we can make Donald Trump look like a competent President. Together we will tear down the New World Order, destroy International cooperation, and conquer the human race.  Fnord!”

After leading the audience in a chant of “Fnord,” Claar asked if Qanon could help with his political troubles.  She replied that she could and asked Claar for a list of nouns and adjectives.  After typing for a few seconds, she read a draft of a post:

What do they really mean by ‘Toters?’ Who is RJ working for?  JT?  467.  Is there only one Bob?  Where is Bonnie?  Learn Monopoly.  You are not stupid. RC fighting CCD.  Victory is near.  Guns will be coming back to Bolingbrook.  Line not secure.  Must go.  Think Raiders.  The Legend of Billie Jean.  Roger means business.  Business is good.

“Interesting,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar accused of planting anti-toter aliens at garbage forum
Aliens praised for shooting down rouge Chinese space station
Gay aliens demand Bolingbrook host a pride parade
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/18