By Reporter X
A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.
Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot. This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook! It failed!”
The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park. Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy. Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley. You know what to do!”
The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.
Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack. “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech. Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me. He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”
That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies. Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers. There were no deaths.
At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook. One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.
George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club. “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air. My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true. Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs. Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later. It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’ I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting. I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”
Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.
Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.
“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer. “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship. I was the first human they tried to punch. Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit. I asked them why they wanted to punch humans. One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back. Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior. I asked if he had ever used it on himself. He did. Then he made a weird facial expression. He scanned his fellow fascists too. This is the weird part. They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie. They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up. Then they flew away.”
Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.
“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”
Brown then issued a warning. “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook. We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”
Also in the Babbler:
Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17