By Reporter X
Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.
Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates. However, she is not intimidated.
“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election. I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district. My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district. I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined. My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history. Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”
After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:
“Astroid mining! Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!
Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds. She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.
Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run. The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases. With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.
An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.
“There are enough humans running in this race right now. We don’t need an alien joining the race. We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam! The aliens can keep Bolingbrook. The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”
A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.
In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon. The voters think you’re avoiding them.”
“No way!” Said a man who sounded like Roskam. “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people? When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision. Trust me.”