Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)


Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”