By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs charged two Proxima Centauri aliens, impersonating Shopkins, with endangering human minors.
“This is unacceptable!” Said Jill Z. Parker, spokesperson for the department. “Bolingbrook has strict rules regulating our visitors’ interactions with children. We also have the toughest rules for examining children. So let me assure you, we will punish those aliens, regardless of what the Interstellar court rules!”
Shopkins are collectible toys that are very popular among young children and adults obsessed with collecting toys. Characters are based on grocery or retail items. The Retail Tracking Service named Shopkins the best selling toy of 2015. In addition to the figures, they also have a web series, a movie, and trading cards.
Though Shopkins figures are only 1 inch tall, eyewitnesses said the aliens were about 6’ 5” tall and wore furry Shopkins costumes.
“Those costumes were a kid magnet!” Said an anonymous eyewitness. “No little kid can resist a person in a furry outfit! Those aliens are evil!’
A Bolingbrook officer, who asked not to be named, said he saw one of the aliens:
“I was on patrol when one of the neighborhood kids waved me down. She said, ‘I saw Kooky Cookie in my best friend’s backyard. I don’t think that’s right.’ I had no idea who Kooky Cookie was, but I had to check it out. I followed the kid, and then a caught a glimpse of a giant cookie. I wasn’t sure if it was a pervert in a suit or an alien. So I called the department, and tailed it until they met up with me.”
Jen, who asked that we not use her last name, said she walked into her backyard and saw her son playing with the two aliens:
“One looked like a giant cookie. The other looked like a giant blue cake. They looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize them at the time. Anyway, I told my son not to play with strangers. He said, ‘They’re not strangers. They’re Shopkins!’ Good thing the Men in Blue arrived when they did. Otherwise, I don’t know how I was going to fight them off.”
Koxmodox, the lawyer for the aliens, insisted his clients were innocent. “This is all a big misunderstanding. They didn’t want to kidnap anyone. They just wanted to make the children of Bolingbrook happy. Wouldn’t you do that for a species you know has no future? (Mayor Roger Claar) should give each of them a medal, and drop all the charges.”
Charline Z. Spencer, a public relations for the Village of Bolingbrook, said Claar could not be bothered.
“You must be Reporter X. I can tell by your distorted voice.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke: “Absolutely not. I swore that Bolingbrook would never become a sanctuary village. No exceptions! Go hide from your constituents somewhere else, Roskam!”