Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Another year older (Non-fiction)

Back in November of 1998, I posted the first Bolingbrook Babbler article on my home page.  I didn’t expect to still be writing it 21 years later, and I absolutely didn’t expect the tabloid mentality I was satirizing to become so widespread on the Internet and in the mainstream media.

To all the people who enjoy the Babbler, I say thank you for reading.  To everyone who has helped me along the way, thank you too.  Especially my wife, who became my copy editor and the person who says, “do you really want to say that?”

It has been quite a journey writing the Babbler, and I’m happy to say that it is far from over.

 

Transgender locker room policy passes at Illinois school district D211 (Non-fiction)

A quick follow up on D211’s transgender locker room policy:  The D211 board voted 5-2 to allow transgender students to change in the locker room that matches their gender identity. The previous policy required transgender students to use privacy stalls when changing.  Now that’s no longer a requirement, and any student can use a stall.  Personally, I’m glad the board did the right thing and put an end to their previously discriminatory policy.

The group that fought the policy, D211 Parents for Privacy, is now vowing to flood the school board with requests for additional privacy accommodations for their kids.  It remains to be seen how many such requests the board will get.

For now, I feel it is nice to see a victory for transgender rights in Chicagoland.

Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

“Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  “There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks and weredogs riot over Valley View 365U recount result (Fiction)

What started as a peaceful protest by weredogs against the removal of School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson ended in a violent clash with anti-Carlson wereskunks. Dozens of weredogs were arrested in front of Valley View’s offices by officers from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The weredogs will be charged with causing hundreds of dollars in damages.

“They started it!” —complained weredog Bo as he was being restrained by the officers.

“Shut up!” —replied the officer.  “You started it by acting like a big snowflake over the lawful removal of a fake board member.”

Though the school board election happened seven months ago, defeated incumbent JT Boudouris filed a lawsuit to request a recount of five of 39 precincts. The lawsuit demanded that ballots that were not initialed by an election judge be thrown out.  The motion was granted.  Following the recount, Carlson’s three-vote win was overturned.  Carlson ran as a member of the Bolingbrook United Party.

Taffy, a weredog, said: “They should have recounted all of the precincts— not just the ones that favored (Mayor Roger Claar’s) candidates.  Roger thew out ballots due to no fault of each individual voter.”

The picket line started with marchers chanting, “Bad humans!  No Bone!”  and “Kennel Roger!”  They did not block entrances, though a few Valley View staff members said they felt intimidated.

“Why are they so mad?” asked a woman who wished to remain anonymous:  “JT earned his seat.  Just like Trump earned his seat.  It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.”

Minutes later, several wereskunks marched towards the weredogs, chanting: “We love Claar!  He’s so fair!”  They then threw litter at the weredogs, and some sprayed them.  

“Bad dogs!”  yelled one wereskunk.  “You stink!”

The weredogs then charged at the wereskunks and started fighting.  Later, officers from the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs arrived, though Valley View’s offices are located in Romeoville.  They fired tear gas and perfume to break up the fighting.  Twenty weredogs were arrested but no wereskunks were arrested.  Instead, the officers treated injured wereskunks, and let them create “litter art” while singing, “We are the Champions.”

“We love Roger!” said one wereskunk.  “We love his candidates.  We’ll do anything we can to support them!”

A member of Bolingbrook United denied knowing about the riot:  “We don’t have time for this silliness.  If your readers really want to help us, come to our Chili Fundraiser this Thursday. You’ll get to find out which elected official cooks the best chili, and help us return Dr. Carlson back to her rightful seat.  Roger just arrived.”

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Joe, I’m glad to see you’re personally delivering your response to my ultimatum.  Now I don’t mind political parties in Bolingbrook, as long as they don’t run candidates.”  After a long pause, the man said: “Is this your entire response?”

“Yes.” said a man who sounded like Bolingbrook United chair Joe Giamanco.

“Nuts?”

Also in the Bolingbrook Babbler:

Atheist Alliance International to record TV program in Bolingbrook
Trump demands a new UFO Base in Bolingbrook
Pluto ambassador objects to planned NASA Pluto orbiter mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village announces controversial ‘Adopt a zombie’ program (Fiction)

Bolingbrook residents will have the opportunity to “adopt” one of the zombies that live in the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center.  Not every resident is in favor of this program.

“Don’t our government officials watch zombie shows?” asked Jeb Parker, a member of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party.  “Bolingbrook Commons is a zombie apocalypse waiting to happen.  The village needs to burn it to the ground, not offer it up to its undead for adoption.”

According to documents provided by sources within the Department of Paranormal Affairs, Trustee Michael Carpanzano started the program to dispel “negative attitudes towards Bolingbrook’s undead residents.”  Most of the documents include pro-zombie talking points:

“Do not use the word Zombie.  Instead, refer to them as Undead Residents.  Then point out that living residents are also not dead, therefore everyone is undead.  Then we’ll point out that our undead residents don’t speak out against (Mayor Roger Claar).  That means they’re true residents– Unlike the members of Bolingbrook United, who are foes, not real Bolingbrook residents.”

According to sources, the money from the program will go to the owners of Bolingbrook Commons.  It will allow them to keep the mall open.

“It’s not the best place in Bolingbrook,” said Jill, an employee of the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But unlike rusting cars, we have no problem offering our undead residents a place to wander around peacefully.  I’m tired of all the people who say we should tear down Bolingbrook Commons.  We’re all going to die eventually, and I’d rather be a zombie in Bolingbrook Commons than be buried in the ground.”

Parker says the Art Bell Party has always supported the removal of zombies from Bolingbrook:

“Even if they don’t eat people, they shouldn’t be here.  When you die, you’re supposed to leave your body behind as fertilizer.  You’re not supposed to linger as your body rots.  It’s unsightly and gives Bolingbrook a bad name.  We shouldn’t be known as a village of the dead.  We should be known as a living, thriving village.  Elect our party, and we will bring new life to Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and couldn’t be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “Now that I’ve improved our credit rating, will you cancel your chili dinner fundraiser and dissolve Bolingbrook United?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied: “No way.  You got us into this mess in the first place.  Plus, there are residents who want garbage toters and cannabis stores.   They deserve a voice in village government too. I’m going to be that voice, Roger.”

“I know you will, but I wish you wouldn’t, Obarzanek.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia to launch snow attack on Halloween
Village attorney denies plans to file charges against ‘foes’ of Bolingbrook
Trump denies knowing Mayor Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Drunk alien crashes UFO in Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An intoxicated alien crashed its UFO while attempting to land at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  The alien was arrested by Palatine police.  No humans were injured, and the only damage was a crater in a resident’s backyard.

“I’m proud of how we covered up this incident,” said Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division.  “Thanks to our public relations team, we’ve now convinced most residents that what they really heard was a loud firecracker.”

Carlie, who lives near Lake Cook and Route 53, claims the UFO crashed in her backyard.  She described the craft as “kind of like the Bean, only a sphere.”  After getting over her shock, she called the Palatine police:

“The dispatcher laughed at me, and hung up.  I thought she was being unprofessional, but now I know that she was calling Palatine’s specialized police officers.”

Then Carlie and her partner, Desiree, heard the back door open.  When they snuck downstairs, they saw an alien raiding their refrigerator:

“It was drinking our salad dressing straight from the bottles.  I think it really loved the blue cheese, and it got drunk off of it.”

Both women agreed that after drinking their salad dressing, the alien looked at them.  After making slurred sounds, it collapsed to the floor.  

A few minutes later, officers in hazmat suits arrived and arrested the alien.  The officers then told them not to talk to the “mainstream media.”

“So I guess it’s okay to talk to you,” said Carlie.

Blake said the officers found gallons of Blue Cheese and Ranch dressing inside the space craft.  They also found blocks of Titan slime cheese as well.

“Clearly, this alien is affected by moldy dairy products,” said Blake.  “We hope to give this visitor the treatment it deserves, and then lock it up.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz denied the existence of a UFO Base in Palatine, and said Schwantz was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said: “I want to buy the strip mall by the Wal Mart and sell a product that’s physically addictive, causes 88,000 deaths per year in the US and strains $249 billion dollars from the economy.”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied: You can’t fool this Fremd graduate.  You’re talking about alcohol.”

“No, I can’t fool you.  So you won’t mind if I open up a Weed World instead? Seriously, you can’t allow bars in your fine village and then think about banning cannabis dispensaries. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard takes down Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard used a two-finger takedown to push Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar to the ground during an Illuminati gathering.

“The word is ‘Fnord,’ civilian,” said Gabbard as Claar moved away from her.  “Not ‘Ford!’”

File photo of Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard.

“The ‘N’ is silent!” countered Claar.

“It is not.  You are disrespecting our sacred order and showing insubordination to an Illuminated Knight of higher standing.  Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry I—”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I’m sorry…Ma’am.”

Claar, through a spokesperson, stressed that he was not harmed, and has forgiven her.

“Tulsi is still Roger’s favorite Fox News Democrat,” said the spokesperson.  “He is not going to let a slight difference of opinion get in the way of his desire to destroy the New World Order, and run Bolingbrook without interference from state or national government.”

An Illinois Illuminati official, who asked not to be identified, said that while Gabbard was still upset over Claar’s pronunciation of “Fnord,” she was going to move on:

“She has to focus on how she’s going to spin her Independent bid to be President after telling the public she wouldn’t run as an independent if she didn’t get the Democratic nomination.  She doesn’t have time to worry about a suburban Illinois mayor’s inability to say, ‘Fnord.’”

Gabbard was at the Bolingbrook Golf Club for a ceremony honoring her lifelong commitment to the Illuminati.  Before the incident, Claar performed the Illuminati’s Sacred Glowing Orb Ritual with her, then said a few words.

“She’s a real fighter,” said Claar.  “Literally.  She still serves in the military.  But I’m really impressed by how she keeps fighting.  She has no paid staff in Iowa and is only polling at 1% nationwide.  Most people would have quit before for the first debate, but not Tulsi.”

Claar added that the Illuminati will pull Gabbard from the Democratic Primary, due to Sen. Bernie Sander’s defection to the Illuminati earlier this year.

“I just want to say that that I enjoyed watching the Democratic Primary on Tulsi time.  Why aren’t you guys laughing?”

Gabbard thanked Claar and the gathered dignitaries. She briefly talked about how her father had raised her to be a member of the Illuminati.

“My father tried to infiltrate the Republican Party in Hawaii, but then he realized that was a waste of time.  I learned that if I wanted to help our order, I needed to learn how to blend in with the Democrats.  Not only do I blend in, but I appeal to both the far right and the far left!”

Gabbard then turned her attention towards Hillary Clinton:

“I stand by my statements about her.  She is the embodiment of the wicked, corrupt system created by the New World Order.  I want to destroy her…In a debate of course.  She’s mistaken when she says I am a Russian asset.  (President Vladimir) Putin is my asset.  I am a loyal knight of the Illuminati.  I will fight until all nations are destroyed, and I can become the queen of Hawaii.  I will tear down those telescopes, and tell my people what they want!  I will say aloha to the our illuminated future.  Fnord!”

While the crowd chanted “Fnord,” Claar, according to eyewitnesses, chanted “Ford,” which lead to the incident.

Gabbard could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like Claar, said: “What are you watching?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m watching a live stream of a rap battle between (DuPage Township Trustee) Maripat Oliver and (DuPage Township Trustee) Alyssia Benford on The Will County Young Republicans’ secret YouTube Page.”

“Oh my God!  Is it—”

“Yes.  All Alyssia has to do is say a couple rhymes and she wins.  Here we go.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “I’m calling the question!  I’m calling the question.”

“Can you do that in a rap battle?” asked Claar.

“Nope,” replied Spencer.

A woman who sounded like Oliver,  said: “You sound like an old school hack/And your rhymes are really wack/Time for you to face the fact/That Maripat is where it’s at.”

Also in the Babbler:

DuPage Township critics should be forced into counseling says a trustee
Bolingbrook to require underground homes by 2052
Mayor Claar warns residents not to eat chili made by ‘fake residents’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives to sponsor ‘Casten you to Hell’ house (Fiction)

Republican Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives will run a “Hell House” this month focused on Representative Sean Casten.

A picture of Rep. Sean Casten pointing towards the Gates of Hell.

Will the Ives campaign run a Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house?

“Sean Casten scares us,” said Beth, a member of Ives’s campaign staff. “We think the voters in the Sixth Congressional District should be scared of the evil they unleashed upon Congress!”

Similar to the Hell House proposed by Representative Peter Roskam’s 2018 campaign, it will depict Casten as a “Socialist CEO Demon” working for succubus House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.The Hell House will open the week after before Halloween at a yet to be disclosed location in Wheaton.

Blake, a former Roskam operative who now works for Ives, has high hopes for this Hell House:

“If we had run this Hell House, Peter would still be in office. They weren’t scared enough of Sean, and that’s why Peter lost. Since Jeanne isn’t burdened with the “moderate” label, we’ll have more creative freedom with this house.”

Blake also added, “This time, I’m going to dress up as (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan). Peter vetoed that idea last time. Jeanne is all on board! We can’t scare people enough!”

Blake also says the Hell House will include:

  • Casten campaign volunteers “impeaching” residents for supporting President Donald Trump.
  • Republicans being crushed by a giant carbon foot.
  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez torturing residents into signing the Green New Deal.
  • Casten performing with a demon rock band.
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar forcing Christians to convert to Islam.
  • IL06 Republican candidate Jay Kinzler kneeling before an angelic Ives.

Beth denied that the Hell House would contribute to Ives’ reputation as an extreme conservative:

“The only thing that happens in the middle of the road is you get run over.We’re not going to win this by appeasing Democrats. We’re going to win this by moving the Overton Window so far to the right that the only acceptable viewpoints are between only voting for Trump and willing to start a civil war for Trump. When that happens, Sean will be seen as an extremist, and Ives will be seen as a reasonable God-loving American!”

A member of Casten’s campaign laughed at the idea of a Casten themed Hell House:The Republicans can call Sean names all they want. The residents of the Sixth District know the real Sean Casten because he campaigns in the district, holds Town Halls, and is very accessible. Unlike a certain former congressman—”

A woman then said: “You’re not talking to that weird suburban tabloid, are you?”

“Um, Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some petitions signed!”

A receptionist for the Ives campaign said she was meeting with representatives from the Illinois Policy Institute and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Ives, said: “I will use my power as a Congresswoman to force Illinois into bankruptcy.”

“Yes!” yelled a man.

“Then I will split up Illinois among its neighboring states.”

“Oh yes!”

“I will then force Canada to take Chicago. The US will be rid of that corrupt city forever!”

The man moaned. “Oh Jeanne. You give good policy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County to increase UFO landing fees
Alien charged with robbing Bolingbrook Home Depot
Palatine UFO Base reports heavy traffic during the High Holidays
Trump considering ordering Mayor Claar to close Clow UFO Base

This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.