Video: Swearing in a new era in Bolingbrook (Out of Character)

After decades, the Bolingbrook Village Board now has a trustee who is not a member of Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of Bolingbrook United, was sworn last night, along with Claar and two other Bolingbrook First trustees.  A new era of bipartisan government has begun in Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook First’s members didn’t seem to be pleased. As you can see from the video.

Bolingbrook First holds five out of six trustee seats, as well as mayor.  To me, this doesn’t mean a change in policies.  There will probably be some no votes, which used to be rare, and some debates during board meetings, which used to be unheard of.

Still, this is historic in the political history of Bolingbrook.

Sorry for the shaking video.  I would have bought a phone mount if I had realized the speeches would last as long as they did.

Bolingbrook man debunks skepticism (Fiction)

Vince Q. Baker, who recently moved to Bolingbrook, says he debunked skepticism by having a fake article posted in a skeptical Facebook group.

“Thanks to my hoax, everyone is now free to research Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and mermaids without fear of bullying from skeptics!”

Baker, who reads about the paranormal every day on the Internet, was sick of seeing skeptics “trolling” his favorite sites.  Since he believes that skeptics are just people who blindly follow men like James Randi and Richard Dawkins, he decided to debunk skepticism. He attempted to have a fake article published in a prominent skeptical magazine or blog.

He titled his 2000 word article, “Debunking UFOS and Bigfoot: Why smart people aren’t as skeptical as you.”   Baker filled the article with references to Randi, Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, and Michael Shermer. He also added, “skeptical words, and technical words,” to make the reader feel important.

Baker provided a copy of the article to the Babbler. It starts with this lead:

“People who are smart like PZ Myers, can suffer from cognitive dissonance, as is suspected of every member of Atheism+, and thus cannot achieve the deeper understanding, as demonstrated by Richard Dawkins, that can lead to the acceptance of realistic views of race, IQ scores, evolutionary psychology, and gender equality, as well the rejection of UFOs, El Chupacabra, homeopathy, and any so-called “wave” of feminism.”

Baker claims that he submitted the article to the Skeptical Inquirer, one of the major magazines of the skeptical movement.  He later received an unsigned rejection letter, with a handwritten note, stating that he should ask the Bolingbrook Skeptics if he could post it in their closed Facebook group.  The letter concluded by saying that SI had already selected their stories for the next five years, and wished Baker good luck with his future endeavors.

According to Baker, he then created a fake profile and submitted a join request to the Bolingbrook Skeptics’ Facebook group.  Once accepted, he posted his article and waited.

“There were a few likes and some comments about being confused by the writing.  Still, the story wasn’t pulled.  That means I debunked skepticism, and that we’re now ok to ponder free energy machines, and Hollow Earth Theory!  I am now the most important resident in the history of Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, the Bolingbrook Skeptics sent this message:  “As skeptics, we must admit our mistakes to each other, but we are not required to confess them to you.  May you purveyors of woo be strangled by his noodly appendages!  Argh!”

Beth, a spokesperson for the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, SI’s publisher, denied receiving the article or rejecting it.

“Even if we had published it, so what?  It just would have meant that we made a mistake.  Just like when a nuclear physics conference accepted a paper that was written by only using autocomplete.  It didn’t debunk physics.  It just ruined the reputation of the conference.”

A man in the background spoke up:  “Hi Beth.  Once you’re done with that call, I need you to work on a press release.”

“Okay.”

“You know about the phony paper Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay were shopping around?”

“Yeah.  It was rejected by NORMA, which proved that there is at least one gender studies journal with standards.”

“Well, they got it published in Cogent Social Sciences, meaning that we just debunked the entire field of gender studies!”

“What?  That’s not right.”

“Well,  Richard Dawkins thinks it’s right, and that’s all that matters.  So I need the press release out ASAP.”

“But–”

“You know what employment prospects are like for people who leave openly atheistic organizations?  Oh, and the American Humanist Association isn’t hiring.”

After several seconds, Beth began to cry.

“There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

Also in the Babbler

Mayor Claar performs his first Illuminati Glowing Orb Ceremony
Lisle’s trees warn incoming trustees of the cost of failure
Aliens arrested for shoplifting at Bolingbrook Macy’s
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/17

Web Exclusive: Did Trump compromise the Bolingbrook Golf Club? (Fiction)

Sources with friends who may work at the White House say President Donald Trump may have revealed the Bolingbrook Golf Club’ “self-destruct code” to the Russians.

File photo of Donald Trump at Clow International Airport.

During a meeting with a Russian delegation, Trump bragged about his memory.  The sources say he remembered meeting with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar at the Golf Club.  Trump said he saw Claar enter a code on a keypad built into his desk.  A hidden safe opened up.  Inside were bottles of Trump Vodka, and bottles of Trump Ice.  Smiling at his guests, Trump then recited what he thought was the code.

According to sources, Trump misremembered the code, and accidentally gave the Russian the “self-destruct code” for the Golf Club.  Some of the sources saw a member of the Tass News Agency write down the code.

“Roger almost lost an election because he supported Trump,” said one of the sources.  “This is how Trump thanked him?”

Lenny, a village employee who asked that we not use his last name, confirmed the existence of the self-destruct device. According to Lenny, it was originally intended to prevent the club from falling into hands of a “hostile governmental unit or opposition party.”  The device, when activated, will release a noxious, but harmless, chemical into the clubhouse, rendering it unfit for occupation.  It will also disperse radioactive pellets across the golf course, turning it into a radiation hazard.

“I told Roger it was a bad idea,” said Lenny.  “The device could malfunction, or be used by his enemies.  But he insisted on having it because he was afraid the Cook County Democrats would try to steal the club from him.  I couldn’t persuade him that he was wrong, and now here we are.”

Another source within Village Hall, who asked to be called Chris, claims she received a written note intended from Claar while manning the front desk:  “He had a real thick accent and said Roger would ‘understand the message’.”

After delivering the message to Claar, Claar told Chris to call Vladimir Putin for him.  When she said she didn’t have his number, he replied:  “Google it!  That’s why we spend so much money on an Internet connection.  You didn’t think it was so you could read the Babbler while pretending to work?”

According to Lenny, everything worked out.  Putin promised not to destroy the Golf Club.  Golf Cub staff disarmed the device and expected to have it removed before Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz is sworn in.

“If he ever finds out about this, we’ll never hear him stop complaining.”

Public relations intern Charline Z. Spencer did not completely deny the existence of the device:  “There is no nuclear bomb inside the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and there are no napalm canisters under each golf hole.  The story, as you described it, is not accurate.  These statements are fun to say!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course I’m with you until the bloody end.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  Still, you might want to meet some civics teachers I—Don’t you ever talk to me like that!  You may be the President of the United States, but I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

From the Webmaster: Around FTB 5/17/16

By Wendy Onofrey 

The staff is busy working on a new web exclusive article, but it’s taking a bit longer than planned.  It should be up tonight or tomorrow.

In the meantime, here are some posts you can check out from our fellow bloggers:

Apparently, Berkeley has a frozen peach problem, which Iris writes about here.

First, there are debates that we do not need to have, anywhere, ever (again)—especially not on college campuses—because they are not legitimate subjects of debate. I’m not just talking about debating whether the Earth is flat, although that kind of wankery should never be given an academic platform, either. I’m talking about debating whether queer people deserve the death penalty because Jeezus. Or whether Native Americans, black people and Jews reeeeeeally deserve the same human rights as Caucasian Christians of European ancestry.

I’m still not sure about her beliefs about squirrels, but that’s for another post.

Freethinking Ahead tells us if you can or can’t recycle campaign signs.  The answer might please some supporters of Mayor Roger Claar.

Finally, Against the Grain writes about transmisogyny and asks this question:

And Murphy is just fine with that. More than that, she defends this belief in the name of feminism. Are we really empowered if we’ve internalized a belief that women are delicate and defenseless? It sounds like the sort of chauvinistic nonsense I’d expect out of r/theredpill.

That’s it for now.  Hopefully, I’ll be uploading a new story tonight from our staff.

Manchester Mumbler: UK sells its UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd. (Fiction)

Note:  From time to time, the Babbler features articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Manchester Mumbler, which serves the Greater Manchester, UK area.  We have translated this article into American English.

By Reporter Zed

Speaking at Peak District UFO Base, Prime Minister Theresa May announced the sale of all United Kingdom UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd.:

“Her Majesty’s Government cannot afford to both exit the European Union and maintain UFO Bases.  So when the Virgin Group offered to buy our ownership stake in the bases, we had to accept.  We are sure they will do for interstellar travel what they have done for rail travel in the United Kingdom.”

Virgin Group founder Richard Branson, wearing a bow tie, sports jacket, and jeans, signed the contract formally transferring the bases.

“I decided to dress up for this occasion,” said Branson with a smile.  “This is a great reward after waking up from a nap.”

Branson stated it was a great honor to represent the United Kingdom to the Interstellar Commonwealth:  “Was it ever a good idea to have politicians speak for us?  No offense, Prime Minister, it wasn’t.  However, the distinguished representatives gathered here are more than welcome to permanently abduct Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn.”

The UFO bases will be now be managed by Virgin Galactic.

Branson said: “It will finally live up to its name.”

When asked what his plans were for the newly acquired bases, Branson said Virgin has many plans:

“I’ve toured the bases and they are so drab and dark.  This is no way to greet beings who have traveled thousands of light years to visit us – So we’re going to change the color scheme.  All of our bases will be fun, welcoming places of business!  I want our visitors to feel like they’ve walked into one of the best Virgin Megastores in the Milky Way.”

Branson also promised to change how alien abductions are regulated:

“Right now, your probing missions terrify our citizens.  People shouldn’t have nightmares about the experience  From now on, every probe ship will be required to provide all their abductees with a Virgin Media center.  While you’re doing your business, your guests can watch Virgin TV, play Virgin Games, listen to Music by Virgin Records artists, and receive coupons for any of our subsidiaries’ products or services.”

Though the New World Order will be primarily responsible for keeping all the UFO Bases a secret from the public, Virgin Galactic will assist them with a “new kind of enforcer”:

“We’re going to call it Your Buddies in Red.  There will be male and female buddies.  I like the New World Order, but they haven’t moved beyond crude intimidation tactics.  The Buddies will be your best friend.  You wouldn’t reveal your best friend’s secrets because they know all your secrets.  See how it works?  If you ask nicely, they might even help you move, but that’s a service we haven’t announced yet.”

When repeatedly asked by the interstellar media, he denied that the Virgin Group would ever ally with the Illuminati:

“That’s as unenlightened a thing to do as leaving the European Union.  No offense, Prime Minister – Their promotion of Donald Trump proves their only agenda is global chaos.  That doesn’t fit well with our vision for the world.”

Neither Branson nor May would disclose how much the Virgin Group bought the bases for, or if they would pay taxes on them.

Branson hoped the money would go towards the National Health Service.

May laughed:  “Why would we spend it on sick people when we can conquer Spain instead?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Aliens arrested following global cyberattack
Government denies plan to exile remaining citizens
Richard Dawkins writes ‘Dear Muslima’ letter to Prime Minister May
God to smite Greater Manchester on 15/5/17

Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”

Eyewitnesses: Bolingbrook Village Board members desperately avoiding each other (Fiction)

Are the members of Bolingbrook Village Board avoiding each other?  Eyewitness accounts suggest that they are.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw trustees Maria Zarate and Deresa Hoogland at Ikea.  According to Dena, the two didn’t notice each other at first.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“I was so excited,” said Dena.  “I’m a big fan of (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) and his trustees.  So I said hi.  Then things became really strange.”

According to Dena, the two trustees noticed each other.  Dena said they started wide-eyed at each other for a second then started screaming.  Each of them ran in the opposite direction, and out of Dena’s sight.

“I have no idea what that was about.”

Paul, who also asked that we not use his last name, said he spotted trustees Michael Lawler and Sheldon Watts on Boughton Road.  Watts was driving his car while Lawler was an Uber passenger.  According to Paul, both cars were at a stoplight.  When Lawler looked out the window at Watts, he started screaming.  Watts turned and screamed when he saw Lawler.  Paul claims that Lawler took off his coat and covered his window with it.  Watts averted his eyes from Lawler’s car.  When the light turned red Watts accelerated away.

“I don’t get it,” said Paul.  “They’re normally so nice to each other.”

Lisa, a waitress at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she noticed odd behavior from Trustee Ricardo Morales:

“I was serving his chicken wrap.  I think we were calling it a New York Chicken Wrap that day.  Anyway, I casually mentioned that Roger was hanging out in the President’s Room.  He turned pale and his eyes widened.  He said: ‘I’m taking the plate.  Put this on Mr. Washington’s expense account, and give yourself a 25 percent tip.  I was never here!’  Then he ran off.  I wonder if Mr. Washington knows he has an expense account here?”

Another anonymous source said that before his group could meet in Trustee Leroy Brown’s office, they had to sign a form stating that they were not elected Bolingbrook officials.

Pete, who claims to work inside Village Hall, stated that: “The board is afraid that if any trustees are seen together, Trustee-Elect Robert Jaskiewicz will say they’re holding an official meeting, and demand to be immediately sworn in.

“We’ve had single party rule since the 1990s,” said Pete.  “We’re in no hurry to start experimenting with bi-partisan government.  I think its one of the reasons the May 9 meeting was canceled.  We’re delaying the inevitable until near the end of the May 23 meeting.”

According to another anonymous source in Village Hall, Jaskiewicz and another person were seen standing in front of Claar’s office.  Jaskiewicz knocked on the door and said:  “Hello Roger?  Are you having a meeting in there?  If you are, you need to let me in.  I even did you a favor and brought Representative Bill Foster so you don’t have to swear me in. He’ll do it for you!”

Charline Z. Spencer, public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that the trustees were avoiding each other:  “The Open Meetings Act has guidelines on what constitutes a meeting.  Merely being in the same room with other elected officials does not constitute a meeting.”  She added:  “Bob, Roger, and Leroy were at a Rotary club function a few days ago without any incident.  So that disproves your story right there.  Try to be more like the Bolingbrook Patch.  They didn’t question me when I oversold the Paul Harris Fellow recognition Leroy received.”

Spencer could not provide the reason for the cancellation of the May 9 Board meeting but insisted it had nothing to do with Jaskiewicz.

Spencer, however, feels that Jaskiewicz will change the culture in Village Hall: “Things have been very quiet since I started, but that’s going to change.  Once Bob is sworn in, it’s going to be like an episode of Game of Thrones!  Minus the sex and violence, of course.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia steals weather machine from Soviets!
Man accuses Mayor Claar of hiding a tunnel to the center of the Earth
Half of IL-6 vows to run against Rep. Peter Roskam
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/11/17

Web Exclusive: Royce Road truthers slam ‘fake flood’ stories (Fiction)

The editors of “The Real Bolingbrook News” secret subreddit announced in a post that they doubt the news that Royce Road is flooded:

“This is fake news, by fake reporters and fake eyewitnesses!”

They also write: “Instead of acknowledging the victory of Roger Claar and the First Party for Bolingbrook First, the lying press is making up stories about floods to smear them.  The Reddit army must not stand for this!”

During a Skype chat, a man who identified himself as BB1, pointed out several “anomalies” in the flood reports:

“There’s a video of a supposed rescue along Royce Road.  Yet, as a lifelong Bolingbrook Bengal, I don’t remember a section of the road looking like that.  Plus, I’m almost positive I’ve seen the man playing Battalion Chief Dan Graff, in a movie. I’m sure he’s a crisis actor.  Furthermore, look at the car.  I’m sure it could have kept going.  If the flood waters are so dangerous, why is he casually walking and standing around?  This is fake.”

According to official sources, it is dangerous to drive into standing water that is more 5 inches deep, and no one should drive into water that is over nine inches deep.  Six inches of rushing flood waters can knock a person over.

Still, the 10 members of the subreddit insist all the Royce Road flood footage is fake.

Member MissiForever explained in a post: “Roger Clair (sic) created the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent local flooding.  Roger always knows what’s best.  That’s why he endorsed Trump. If Royce Road is flooded, that means Roger is wrong and endorsing Trump was wrong.  As long as I bleed blue and purple, I know that Roger is right.  Therefore Royce Road isn’t flooded and Trump is making us great again!”

When presented with eyewitness accounts of Royce Road being flooded, and personal accounts of basements in Bolingbrook flooding, the members said the witnesses were brainwashed.

In their joint statement, they blamed Will County Trustee, and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate, Jackie Traynere, for staging the recent flood scenes in the news:

“Jackie is using her influence in Will County to stage these obviously fake scenes.  She is trying to get her revenge against Roger by using the liberal media to smear him. We cannot let her get away with this.  Roger is the best mayor Bolingbrook has had in its 60-year history!”

When reached for comment, Traynere said that she supports the brave members of the Bolingbrook Fire Department, and laughed at the Reddit group.

Charlene Z. Spencer, a public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, confirmed what most residents already knew:

“Unfortunately, Bolingbrook does flood.  The land used for the Golf Club is also part of our floodplain control efforts.  We have never said it would prevent all flooding in Bolingbrook.  I will add that Roger believes the Golf Club will consistently turn a profit someday.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “You’re lucky my officers arrested you before you drove into the water.  I know you saw the signs before driving around the barriers.  What part of ‘Road Closed’ didn’t you understand?”

Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  Certain lawyers only cause “trouble”
Bolingbrook police rescue ‘Royce Road Truther’ from floodwaters
Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17