Bolingbrook Antifa rescues Trustee Michael Carpanzano (Fiction)


Bolingbrook Antifa claims it rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano from unidentified federal officers.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank.

Part of their press release read: “As much as we can’t stand that self-promoting, Trump-loving piece of (*expletive deleted), he didn’t deserve to be captured by Trump’s stormtroopers!  We hope that by giving him a second chance, he will appreciate our efforts to fight fascism!  Though we suspect he’ll instead double down on the Republican party’s efforts to turn the word ‘freedom’ into a meaningless cliche…”

According to various sources connected to Bolingbrook Antifa and Carpanzano, Carpanzano was leaving village hall when masked federal officers stepped out of an unmarked van and accosted him. The officers, each carrying an assault rifle, grabbed Carpanzano and pulled him towards the van.  Carpanzano cried out to nearby police officers, but they ignored him.  

After he was pushed into the van, Carpanzano cried out: “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Michael Carpanzano, the mayor of Bolingbrook Patch!  Let me go right now, or I’ll block all of you on Facebook.  Trust me, you don’t want to be carped!”

As the van drove away from Village Hall, the anonymous officers accused Carpanzano of being a Black Lives Supporter.  Carpanzano insisted he was a Trump-loving Republican and that he was sure Trump knew who he was.  The officers accused him of lying and showed him a printout of an article about Bolingbrook’s Black Lives Matter march back in June.  

“If you weren’t the organizer of this anti-suburban march, why are you so prominently featured?”

“I was against the march at first, but when it didn’t turn into a riot, I decided I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get positive press coverage!”

Carpanzano, according to the sources, insisted that he loved the police.

“They don’t seem to love you.”

At that point, Bolingbrook’s Antifa tank crashed into the unmarked van.  Activists threw tear gas into the van and pulled Carpanzano out.  The officers tried to recapture Carpanzano but retreated when the activists fired “non-lethal rounds” at them.

“How do you like your own medicine?” one activist yelled back.

The activists treated Carpanzano and drove him back home.  According to the sources, Carpanzano called them “An-tee-fa” and said they were the real fascists.

An activist replied: “Never heard of them.  We are Antifa, as in anti-fascism.  Our great-grandparents fought against fascism, and we’re not going to let their actions be in vain.  Tell (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to stand up to the coming fascist invasion and remind him that they will always come for you in the end.”

Carpanzano refused to be interviewed.

A receptionist for Claar said he could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Ms. Benson, I highly doubt that the staff of the Babbler shares your opinions about Trans people.  You need to do better than that if you want to shame me into banning Bolingbrook Pride.”

Also in the Babbler:

Venus announces travel ban to Clow UFO Base
Claar bans alien abduction of children due to COVID-19 concerns
Speaker Michael Madigan asks for political asylum on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

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