For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.
Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases: Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.
“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators. “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”
Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students: “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students. We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule. Who knows how long that will last? Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school: “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students. Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that. My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get. Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”
Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base: “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district. However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”
Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:
“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci. “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois. We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control. Instead, we’re reopening Disney World! Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”
“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar. “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”
“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else. Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies. Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus. Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities. Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”
“Dear God! I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”
“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before. So the learning curve is steep and deadly. Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”
“Huh. At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”
“Permission to speak freely.”
“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine. The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”
“Twelve hours? How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”
“Herd immunity? That’s a good one, your honor. The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”
“Years? Oh dear God, we’re screwed! Excuse me. I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”
The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students. Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions.
Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.
“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year? We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”
Also in the Babbler:
Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.