FTB’s real on the ground reporter in Portland (Non-fiction)

Crip Dyke, who blogs at Pervert Justice, is posting her eyewitness accounts of the Portland protests. Including this account from July 21:

But the cops made no effort to arrest peacefully. From that first arrest pinning someone down, it was about overwhelming force. When the tear gas comes 80 seconds later, no one has been warned. This is not an attempt to safeguard people. The cops were safe inside the building. It’s not an attempt to safeguard property – they spend more money on the defense than they could possibly spend on cleaning bill or replacing a door. This was an effort to punish. And punish they did.

That first effort sent tear gas just barely across the street from the courthouse, and caused people to pull back no more than 3 blocks. They did eventually advance tear gas through most of that park block, but except for my and my slow-ass self, they appeared to be shooting the tear gas behind the line of retreat just to keep people moving west, not to trap them (or at least most of them) in the smoke. The front ranks were only a block and a half away from the courthouse while the first round of gas was clearing. They maintained a presence there for a half an hour, then slowly returned to the Fed Building Justice Center for a bit of organizing, speaking and chanting. It took me longer to return close to the front because I had been so badly affected by the gas.

She’s at ground zero of what I feel is a test run for outright authoritarianism in the United States.  We cannot tolerate masked officers in unmarked vehicles snatching up civilians and detaining them without charges.  Nor should we tolerate the officers’ attempts to brutally dominate a population of a city.   With Trump deploying officers to other cities, what is happening there, could very happen in other US cities.

So I’ll be reading Crip Dyke’s accounts, and I hope you will too.

Bolingbrook Antifa rescues Trustee Michael Carpanzano (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa claims it rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano from unidentified federal officers.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank.

Part of their press release read: “As much as we can’t stand that self-promoting, Trump-loving piece of (*expletive deleted), he didn’t deserve to be captured by Trump’s stormtroopers!  We hope that by giving him a second chance, he will appreciate our efforts to fight fascism!  Though we suspect he’ll instead double down on the Republican party’s efforts to turn the word ‘freedom’ into a meaningless cliche…”

According to various sources connected to Bolingbrook Antifa and Carpanzano, Carpanzano was leaving village hall when masked federal officers stepped out of an unmarked van and accosted him. The officers, each carrying an assault rifle, grabbed Carpanzano and pulled him towards the van.  Carpanzano cried out to nearby police officers, but they ignored him.  

After he was pushed into the van, Carpanzano cried out: “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Michael Carpanzano, the mayor of Bolingbrook Patch!  Let me go right now, or I’ll block all of you on Facebook.  Trust me, you don’t want to be carped!”

As the van drove away from Village Hall, the anonymous officers accused Carpanzano of being a Black Lives Supporter.  Carpanzano insisted he was a Trump-loving Republican and that he was sure Trump knew who he was.  The officers accused him of lying and showed him a printout of an article about Bolingbrook’s Black Lives Matter march back in June.  

“If you weren’t the organizer of this anti-suburban march, why are you so prominently featured?”

“I was against the march at first, but when it didn’t turn into a riot, I decided I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get positive press coverage!”

Carpanzano, according to the sources, insisted that he loved the police.

“They don’t seem to love you.”

At that point, Bolingbrook’s Antifa tank crashed into the unmarked van.  Activists threw tear gas into the van and pulled Carpanzano out.  The officers tried to recapture Carpanzano but retreated when the activists fired “non-lethal rounds” at them.

“How do you like your own medicine?” one activist yelled back.

The activists treated Carpanzano and drove him back home.  According to the sources, Carpanzano called them “An-tee-fa” and said they were the real fascists.

An activist replied: “Never heard of them.  We are Antifa, as in anti-fascism.  Our great-grandparents fought against fascism, and we’re not going to let their actions be in vain.  Tell (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to stand up to the coming fascist invasion and remind him that they will always come for you in the end.”

Carpanzano refused to be interviewed.

A receptionist for Claar said he could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Ms. Benson, I highly doubt that the staff of the Babbler shares your opinions about Trans people.  You need to do better than that if you want to shame me into banning Bolingbrook Pride.”

Also in the Babbler:

Venus announces travel ban to Clow UFO Base
Claar bans alien abduction of children due to COVID-19 concerns
Speaker Michael Madigan asks for political asylum on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space aliens will not enroll their children in Chicagoland’s schools due to COVID-19 (Fiction)

For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.

Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases:  Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.

“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators.  “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”

Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students:  “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students.  We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule.  Who knows how long that will last?  Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school:  “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students.  Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that.  My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get.  Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base:  “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district.  However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”

Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:

“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci.  “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois.  We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control.  Instead, we’re reopening Disney World!  Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar.  “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”

“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else.  Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies.  Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus.  Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities.  Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”

“Dear God!  I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”

“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before.  So the learning curve is steep and deadly.  Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”

“Huh.  At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”

“Permission to speak freely.”

“I suppose.”

“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine.  The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”

“Twelve hours?  How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”

“Herd immunity?  That’s a good one, your honor.  The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”

“Years?  Oh dear God, we’re screwed!  Excuse me.  I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”

The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students.  Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions. 

Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.

“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year?  We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives’s canvassers spread beyond Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District according to eyewitnesses (Fiction)

File photo of Jeanne Ives taken by the College of DuPage’s staff.

Canvassers claiming to be volunteers for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives have been spotted outside the Sixth Congressional District.

“Door to door canvassing is bad enough during a pandemic,” said Liz, a Bolingbrook resident.  “Seeing one of her canvassers in Bolingbrook is scary.  Do they even know what office she’s running for?  For that matter, does Jeanne?  She talks so much about Illinois politics that I wonder if she thinks running to be (Governor JB Pritzker’s) boss?”

Andrea X. Parker, a resident of Naperville, claims a canvasser accosted her on her front yard:

“This guy tried to shake my hand.  I told him to keep his distance.  He stepped back but said that a judge ruled that we no longer have to practice social distancing.  I asked him how a judge could rule a virus out of existence?  He said Jeanne gave Trump a performance grade of ‘A,’ and that was all he needed to know.  I said that was all I needed to know about Jeanne.”

Wendy Lee, a resident of Romeoville, also claims an Ives canvasser visited her:

“I told this guy he was lost because I live in the 11th Congressional District.  He said Team China Carrier was assigned to my district.  Then he showed me a patch with one half depicting a US aircraft carrier, and the other half depicting a bat with the caption “China’s Newest Carrier.”  He said Jeanne’s son made the patch.  I told him to (Expletive Deleted) off.  First of all, it was disrespectful to the crew of the Theodore Roosevelt.  Second, it is racist to refer to COVID-19 as the Chinese Virus. Especially when there are more cases in the US.  Third, China’s upcoming carriers are nothing to laugh at.  That man just smiled and said, ‘Somebody needs a great big hug.’  I wonder how many people her campaign is infecting?”

Colby, a resident of Paris, IL, claims one of her former classmates tried to canvass on behalf of Ives:

“When I heard him saying I should resign my checkbook to Jeanne Ives, I lost it.  I said: ‘Billy Bo Bob, that doesn’t make any sense, and you’re going to get everyone in Edgar County infected and waste all those months we stayed at home.’  When he said he wasn’t afraid of the flu, I said this is worse than the flu and that Jeanne may sound like a downstater, but she’s really a Chicago politician.  He said he wanted to kill me, but he was going to tell the Edgar County Watchdogs on me instead.  I said the only thing he was going to do was get them killed.  Then I said he should stay off their website because they don’t even have the brains to understand all the law books they’ve been reading!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for the Ives campaign would neither confirm nor deny the existence of canvassers:

“Jeanne Ives is holding a perfectly legal BBQ at our campaign headquarters, and there are no Chicago-style hot dogs here.  We are eating Oscar-Myer hotdogs with ketchup and we’re going to call it the Wheaton Dog.  Checkmate Chicago liberals!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Representative Sean Casten’s campaign  had no comment about the Ives canvassers:

“We are responsibly campaigning for Sean because he cares about the residents of the district and he believes in science.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on my biohazard suit before I deliver our yard signs.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors Without Planets deploy to Peotone UFO Base
Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere holds Zoom meeting with weredogs
Naperville mayor denies bidding to host the ‘American Heroes’ garden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/8/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Breaking News! Jackie Traynere announces candidacy for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Mixed)

Will County Board member and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced on social media that she will be running for mayor of Bolingbrook in 2021.

“Here in Bolingbrook, we have a court of village trustees and a king-like mayor,” said Traynere in her video.  “It is with that in mind that I am here today with my independent voice to keep us moving forward and begin the process of shedding our yoke of oppression.”

The New World Order released a statement endorsing Traynere:  “We are confident that Jackie will help us liberate Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati and bring a new era of freedom and responsibility to Bolingbrook.  (Mayor Roger Claar’s) defection from our Order will be avenged, and the universe will once again flock to Bolingbrook.  E Pluribus Unum!”

The Illuminati released the following statement:  “We are confident that there will be no elections in 2021 due to another wave of COVID-19 infections and the start of the Second Civil War.  Jackie Traynere’s campaign will be lost in the chaos, and the New World Order will finally be destroyed.  Fnord!”

The political action committee Voters Who Put Bolingbrook First released a statement:  “While we have many disagreements with Jackie, we hope that she will listen to us after we flood social media with anti-Claar memes.  Never Claar!  Don’t be fooled again!”

One Bolingbrook One Party PAC released the following statement:  “Jackie has no experience as Bolingbrook Patch Mayor.  Therefore, Trustee Michael Carpanzano is the only positive choice for the next Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Claar’s comments were unprintable.

Video: Stephanie Goldfarb on “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.” (Non-fiction)

Last month, Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation held its annual Pride Shabbat service.  This year, Stephanie Goldfarb was the guest speaker.  She is both a Jewish educator and an LGBTQ activist, as well as the winner of Food Network’s “America’s Best Cook” in 2014.  Her talk was titled: “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.”  She also mentions the removal of rainbow Star of David Flags at the 2017 Chicago Dyke March and how the experience affected her as both an organizer of the march, and as a member of the Jewish community.

Note:  I serve on the Kol Hadash Steering Committee.

Russian special forces soldiers distribute fireworks in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources within the Bolingbrook police department claim that Russian Special Forces are distributing free fireworks to residents.

“Cheap fireworks and bored residents are a bad combination,” said Phil, a police officer who asked that we not use his last name.  “Adding Russian Special Forces just makes things worse.”

Marie, who asked that we not use her last name, claims four Russian Special Forces troops knocked on her front door. They were wearing Hawaiian shirts over their urban camouflage uniforms.  They knocked on her door and showed her a crate of fireworks:

“They asked me to do the Electric Boogaloo with them.  I said if they meant starting the Second Civil War, they needed to talk to my husband.  He came downstairs, and I walked away.  I don’t want to be involved.”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, said a special forces squad parachuted into his backyard:

“I thought about pulling out my gun, but I figured they’d kill me first.  When they presented me with a crate and said, ‘Help us make Bolingbrook sound like a war zone,” I wanted to give them a hug.  I didn’t of course.  War zones sound like fun.  I know Bolingbrook can do a better job of setting off fireworks than the New York Police can.”

While many residents interviewed appreciated the free fireworks, Marie had her concerns:

“It just seems like the Russians want to use the fireworks for something.  I don’t know, like covering up an invasion.  I mean, they did put out bounties on our troops.  Maybe that was just the beginning?”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office and had no plans to come back that day:

“Everyone should listen to Snowy the Bolingbrook Fireworks skunk:  ‘Don’t set off your own fireworks.  Watch Bolingbrook’s fireworks display on July 4th.”

A public service infographic from the Village of Bolingbrook about fireworks.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Cue the dramatic music and the voiceover says, “Call Governor Pritzker today and thank him for saving you from the Illinois Republican Covidiots!”  Fade to black.  You think JB will like the pitch, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “But you work for Roger and the Republicans.”

“I’m trying to diversify my portfolio.”

“But why should Pritzker trust you—”

“Oh come on now.  You liberals love the Lincoln Project, but you guys know they’re going to turn on Joe Biden after Trump is defeated, right?  However, Biden is smart enough to know that he needs their help.  I’m willing to help JB, and hope he’s smart enough to accept it.”

“Until you turn against him.”

“As my grandmother’s favorite band used to sing, ‘Roll with the changes.’”

Also in the Babbler

Clow UFO Base staff prepare for UFO flights diverted from Arizona and Texas
Last Illinois Bigfoot dies from COVID-19
Giamanco Law Partners hires interstellar law attorney
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: IF…then more Americans would be alive today. (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion first published as a Twitter thread by Representative Sean Casten from the Illinois Sixth Congressional District:

Lest we lose sight of why this is happening, and why the US has more deaths than any other country, we need to review how Trump and the @GOP got us to this point. Adjusting for both population and for the fact that the US surge started later, the statistics are damning.
If Trump hadn’t shut down the pandemic response task force, more Americans would be alive today.
If the CDC hadn’t botched their initial tests, and/or used WHO tests that were being used by other countries, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump had listened to scientists and focused on what was true, rather than engaging in magical thinking and lies, more Americans would be alive today.
If FEMA would have coordinated the federal response and distributed materiel according to need rather than personal favors, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have used the Defense Production Act to coordinate the federal response instead of relying on some fetishized, Ayn Rand theory of economics, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have let public health experts take control of public communications during a public health crisis instead of spewing deadly misinformation, more Americans would be alive today.
If the @GOP‘s efforts to repeal the ACA had succeeded, fewer Americans who have contracted COVID would have had insurance, and even more Americans would be dead today.
If the US House in the 116th Congress hadn’t given ourselves the authority to defend the ACA after the Attorney General refused to defend the laws of the United States, the ACA would not exist and even more Americans would be dead today.
If Trump goes ahead with his plan to cut federal funding for COVID-19 testing, more Americans are going to die.
If Trump’s brief to the Supreme Court last night to throw out the ACA succeeds, more Americans are going to die.
And the @GOP is with him. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

(Find articles and reference material for each point on the Twitter thread at this link: https://twitter.com/SeanCasten/status/1276498854439985155?s=20

Illinois Policy Institute to release nuclear war economic recovery plan (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Illinois Policy Institute, (according to sources with relatives connected to the organization), will release a nuclear war economic recovery plan.

Excerpts from the plan place a high priority on keeping businesses open during a nuclear strike and in the immediate aftermath:

“The fallout from closing the economy would be worse than nuclear fallout.  We must make the public feel this way too.”

The report recommends that Illinois’ conservative outlets downplay the dangers of nuclear war, such as radioactive fallout, blast damage, and nuclear winter.  Instead, they should emphasize the “benefits” of a nuclear war.  The first benefit is the “incineration of Springfield, IL, and the Chicago Political Machine.”  Other benefits cited include: “the likely suspension of federal taxes” and “the transfer of power from unelected bureaucrats to motorcycle militias.”

The report adds:  “If you don’t count fatalities in Aurora, Chicago, Rockford, The Quad Cities, Springfield, and East St. Louis, most real residents of Illinois should be just fine.” 

The state government, instead of promoting what the report calls “policies that promote hiding in basements,” should counter “liberal fear-mongering” and keep the economy open:

“Chicago liberals say a nuclear blast can blind people because it is as bright as the sun.  Well, we have a sun, and most of us aren’t blind.  So instead of looking away from a nuclear blast, we encourage the public to go to their favorite restaurant and bar to celebrate the death of cosmopolitan liberalism!”

The report also recommends that the top priorities following a nuclear war should be enacting an income tax holiday for anyone making over $1,000,000 a year, suspension of all union contracts, canceling all gun laws, switching to cryptocurrency, ending all environmental regulations, and encouraging employment by canceling unemployment benefits.

“We need people to cut our hair, clean our shelters, and protect us from BLM/Antifa hoodlums.  They’re not going to help us if they’re collecting unemployment checks, afraid of getting radiation poisoning, or think they’re going to freeze to death.  By enacting these simple policy recommendations, we can ensure prosperity for Illinois’ billionaires, which they may share with the rest of the survivors.”

One of the sources claims that IPI will lobby Bolingbrook to include their recommendations in the Bolingbrook emergency plan.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said:  “Every Christian and Islamic leader in Bolingbrook is going to pray for a safe Village Picnic.  I even got the Naperville Unitarian Church to light a candle for us.  Charlene, you said you were going to reach out to the area Jewish denominations.  How did that go?”

“I got Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox rabbis to bless the Village Picnic.  The Reconstructionist rabbi read a blessing, but then said it really meant we shouldn’t hold a mass gathering during a pandemic.”

“Whatever.  What about the humanist rabbis?”

The first synagogue I tried was a no go.  I couldn’t get past the office manager.  He laughed at me and said I gave him material for his next monolog.  The second rabbi said something about ethics, coronavirus, and her Sunday School before hanging up on me.”

“Three out of five isn’t bad in this case.  Now I can say I did all I could to have a higher power prevent the picnic from becoming a super spreader event.”

“Actually, The Temple of Set has a Pylon in Bolingbrook.  I could—” 

“No!”

Also in the Babbler:

Jeanne Ives unleashes hand-shaking homicidal canvassers against Rep. Sean Casten
Space Force considers building its own base in Bolingbrook
Trump cancels speech at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.