A meeting between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs to end recent coyote attacks against dogs ended in a brawl. The Palatine Police Paranormal Task Force and the Cook County Department of Cryptozoological Management arrested ten participants for rioting and illegal coyote hunting.
“While we appreciate that some of our local weredog residents tried to help,” said Sheila Z. Blake, spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department, “We will not tolerate rioting in our village. It’s almost as bad as protesting against us!”
According to a few weredogs and werecoyotes, who asked not to be named, both sides agreed to talk following the death of two dogs in Palatine. Both sides agreed that the talks were friendly at first. However, they disagreed on where things went wrong.
One of the weredogs blamed the werecoyotes: “We said their cousins were bad because they killed two of our cousins. They accused us of being colonizers and said we should teach our cousins not to bark at them. Barking is a choice between a dog and its human alpha. They shouldn’t take that choice away.”
A werecoyote offered a different version: “We were here first. If humans didn’t want to deal with us, then you shouldn’t have built your homes here. If anything, our cousins are trying to be good neighbors. We hunt rodents and other small animals. It’s sad that two dogs died, but what about astronauts in orbit? This is how you play ‘what about,’ right?”
Cynthia, a Palatine resident who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed some of the fighting:
“Those two monsters crashed through my back fence and destroyed my swing set. The dog-like one accused the coyote-like one of threatening his girlfriend. The coyote-like one accused her of threatening her pups and said something about the Second Amendment. I pulled out my AR and started shooting at them. The bullets didn’t harm them. The coyote-like one said something about me being a loud human and ran off. The dog-like one started jumping up and down and bragged about beating up the coyote. I told him he was a bad dog for damaging my property, and he should go home. Then he changed into a giant dog. He whimpered, lowered his tail, and ran away. I thought things like this only happened in Bolingbrook.”
A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said the Mayor was busy and could not be disturbed:
“You should be writing about how our region just moved to Tier 2 mitigation instead.”
In the background, a man said: “Your honor, because of the new police reforms, chokeholds will be banned, suspects won’t be jailed based on their ability to pay, and people will be able to file anonymous complaints against us.”
“Just like people can file complaints against hairstylists!” said another man.
“This is too much! If you don’t persuade the governor to veto this bill, we won’t protect Palatine!”
“Can’t? Oh! Oops! What I really meant to say is that if these reforms are passed, we can’t protect Palatine.”
“I don’t know about that,” said a man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz. “The Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl with Barry Switzer as the head coach. I doubt this bill will be as much of a burden for you officers as Coach Wishbone was for my team.”
Also in the Babbler:
Doomsday Crew returns to Clow UFO Base
Palatine, Peotone, and Clow UFO bases set to reopen on 2/1/21
COVID Vaccines also provide immunity from zombie viruses
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
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