By Reporter X
All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.
Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.
Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated: “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”
“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.
“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.
Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices. Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time. So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”
Jill replied: “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math. Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”
Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”
After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music. As the music played, Raga said: “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township. Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM! Say it with me. Booze! Boobs! EDM!”
A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that. Get with the times, Dennis. Purge the Left! Stop the Steal! Troll them all!”
Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that? You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”
The woman said: “Caring is for commies! We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate! Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”
Peotone UFO Base
Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony. Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:
“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland. I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program. We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents. If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”
Rob Sherman UFO Base
Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.
“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen. “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted! Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”
“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.
“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.
“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”
“Leave some for the residents.”
Also in the Babbler:
Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.