The Village of Bolingbrook spent $2 million on ‘enhanced Illuminati membership’ (Fiction)

Did the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees approve spending $2 million on an “Illuminati membership enhancement” during their September 26 meeting?  Sources say yes.

Sources say the bill, which was disguised as bills for the Pathways Parade and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, was actually to enhance the Village’s membership in the Illuminati.  According to one source, the enhancement frees the village from the obligation to build coded monuments to the Illuminati or to require new road construction for Illuminati symbols.

“(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is saving the village millions of dollars,” said one source.  “By spending this money now, we don’t have to spend millions down the road building statues or building new streets.  Roger is a smart man, who will help make the Illuminati great again.  Fnord!”

During the meeting, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who is affiliated with the New World Order, asked why the bills weren’t given to the trustees in advance or posted on the website.  After being told that he could have gone to the village Attorney’s office for copies of the bills, Jaskiewicz voted no.  He said he could not vote to pay any bills without reviewing the details, and noted that the Village Attorney said payment could wait until the next board meeting. His no vote ended a 10-year streak without a no vote on the board.

One source, who asked to be called Lee, criticized Jaskiewicz: “It’s not easy covering up payments to the Illuminati.  Roger had a bad week, and it took him longer than expected.  He should have stayed quiet and voted yes… especially if he knows what’s good for Bolingbrook.”

David K. Nowicki, an expert on the Illuminati, believes enhanced membership in the Illuminati is a waste of money:  “All you need to do is designate three points in a community and draw a triangle to connect them to meet the requirements. I can designate The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Clow Airport, and The Promenade Bolingbrook as points on the triangle. Once people see a triangle, then the power of Pareidolia kicks in, and they imagine more Illuminati symbols in Bolingbrook.  I could have saved Bolingbrook $2 million if Claar had just asked me.”

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by unofficial Bolingbrook spokesperson Charline Spencer: “The Illuminati died out in 1785.  Bob needs to resign for the good of Bolingbrook and let Roger pick the best person for the job.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Thank for your help at the last meeting.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said, “Sure thing coach!  In the football game of Bolingbrook politics, I will play any position you want me to.”

“I will remember that.”

“So, if I can ask, what are you going to do about the DACA residents in Bolingbrook?”

“Do I look like an immigration official?”

Also in the Babbler:

North Korean agents to kneel in front of the White House
Sources: International Humanist and Ethical Union banned from Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook witches vow to protect Bolingbrook football team
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/12/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s ‘Alt-right’ to host atheist convention (Fiction)

Content notice:  Depictions of the “Alt-Right” (Reminder: Fiction) 

Bolingbrook Beyond Belief. Summer 2019. "Atheism feels good, man!"

A proposed poster for the Bolingbrook Beyond Belief atheist convention.

The Bolingbrook Pepe the Frog Fan Club, a self-described “Alt-right group,” announced that they are organizing an atheist convention for the summer of 2018.

“We can’t hold rallies anymore because of the counter-protesters,” said Dennis, president of the club.  “We can, however, safely host an atheist convention.”

The convention, tentatively titled “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” is inspired by the controversial Mythinformation Conference.  Like Mythicon, “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” plans to feature predominately “Alt-right” speakers and have liberal “special guests” in the audience.

Alex, the group’s liaison to the Atheist Movement, says he strongly believes the “Alt-right” could be great allies:  “Look, we have much in common.  We both believe we’re smarter than average people.  We both believe that we’re being kept down by lesser people.  We both want to return to a glorious past.  We both hate feminists and Islamists.  We agree on 99 percent on the issues.  Why let a few minor issues, like the alleged humanity of non-whites, keep us apart?”

Dennis agreed:  “Love them or hate them, everyone knows that atheists are smart.  If we host an atheist convention, the public will realize that our ideas are worthy of intellectual consideration.  The atheist movement, in return, will get access to our army of trolls, funding from Mercer’s network of alt-right groups, and young men willing to march for atheism.  They’ll even leave the torches at home if asked to.   It’s a win-win for both of us!  The choice is simple.  Join us and other superior people as we try to peacefully cleanse the world, or let Skepticon define atheism.”

Alex pretended to gag when Skepticon was mentioned.

Dennis conceded that while many YouTube personalities have asked to speak at the convention, prominent atheist leaders have not agreed to speak at Bolingbrook Beyond Belief.

Alex felt that would change soon.  “We just sent an invitation to the most militant atheist in the country.  He says he represents all atheists, no matter what their other beliefs are.  So he has to come here.  When he does, other atheist thought leaders will come here.  It’s just—“

“(Expletive Deleted)!”

“What?”

David Silverman, the president of American Atheists, just sent me an IM.  He says we’re evil, and sent me a link to his Facebook post.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  We only promote evil ironically, so that makes it OK.  Is he going to come?”

“No.  He says he leads the marines of atheism, and marines don’t support Nazis.  He also says that he’ll personally rewrite the dictionary to exclude us from being defined as atheists.”

“Damn it!.  Well, we can invite Dave Smalley instead.”

“Yes.  Maybe he’ll be out of his denial phase by the time the convention starts.”

An e-mail from the Bolingbrook Skeptics denounced Bolingbrook Beyond Belief:  “The Alt-right is just a rebranding of fascism.  No matter what you call it, fascism is un-awesome!”

Helping Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands (Non-fiction)

Ultimately, it will take a significant commitment from the US Government help Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands to recover from the devastation caused by Hurricane Maria.  In the meantime, there are some ways for civilians to help.

PBS has a good list of charities.  Foundation Beyond Belief is raising funds for recovery efforts for all three hurricanes this season.  You can also donate to the Red Cross, though it might be better to donate to a local relief organization instead.  Charity Navigator offers research on many charities, as well as these other sites.

Wherever you donate, consider giving cash instead of supplies.  Money allows organizations to buy the supplies they need.  Material donations take time to sort, and not all donations can be used.

Again, it will take a significant commitment from the US Government to rebuild Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, but donating now can provide some relief.

Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

Also in the Babbler:

Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar:  I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Babbler denounces vandalism against Mayor Claar (Mixed)

Like many residents, we were shocked to learn today about the vandalizing of Mayor Roger Claar’s home.  His house was spray-painted with swastikas, his US and Bolingbrook flags stolen, and a message was left demanding his resignation.  Rachel M. Tuszynski, a Bolingbrook resident, is in jail and awaiting trial in October.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The staff of the Babbler condemns this crime against Claar and his family.  We can disagree without resorting to vandalism and threats of violence.  Regardless of the motivation, this act is unacceptable.

Some issues divide Bolingbrook, but we believe most residents will join us in condemning this attack against Claar.  We cannot solve our disagreements through violence. Bolingbrook is better than this.

Fun with comments

I’ve decided to be brave and open up the comments a bit.  If I did it right, anyone who has a previously approved comment on this blog will be able to bypass the comments queue.

If you want, you can post a comment to see if I set it up correctly.

‘Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising’ filming in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Eight years after the release of the Tour with the Mayor, filming has started on the sequel.

“The first movie was good,” said Lee X. Williams, director, and an employee at Barber’s Corner Media.  “But it had some problems.  Sometimes it felt like (Mayor Roger Claar) was promoting a magazine.  Other times it felt like Roger was promoting Bolingbrook.  I still don’t understand why a boxer accompanied Roger.  This time we’re tightening the focus.  This film is going to be laser-focused on Roger talking about his pure vision for Bolingbrook.”

According to Williams, the film will feature Claar visiting several local businesses, including WeatherTech and Ulta.  Williams promises “glowing” interviews from residents and business owners on why they love Bolingbrook:

“As we’ve been doing these interviews, I’ve noticed some common themes:  Diversity, Friendly Business Environment, and love of Roger.  We hope we can highlight them to our audience.”

According to a source within Barber’s Corner Media, there have been hecklers at some of the interviews:

“I’m sure Bolingbrook United is behind some of them….because all real residents love Roger!”

The source provided footage of some of the incidents.

In the first video, Claar is confronted in front of Masjid Al-Jumu’ah.

Man:  Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but how would you feel if I said we should ban all Christians from the US?

Claar:  I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work.  Hillary Clinton had ethical problems too.  At least Trump promised to shake things up, and he has.  I got what I voted for!

Man:  But if Trump’s immigration policies had been enacted, Bolingbrook would have never become the diverse community it is today.

Claar:  Maybe.  Maybe not.  It doesn’t matter.  I saw you standing two blocks from a Bolingbrook United member.  That means you are not a resident.  You are a foe, and right now I don’t have time for foes.  (Claar turns towards the camera.) You are editing this out, right?

Williams: Yes.

In the second video, a woman interrupts an interview taking place at Ikea.

Woman:  Excuse me, Roger.

Claar:  I’m busy.

Woman:  This will only take a second.  Whenever I visit my friends, I have to admire their garbage cans on wheels.

Claar:  They’re called Toters.

Woman:  I love them.  You don’t have to look at unsightly bags in the morning.  If they’re ripped, the toters offer a layer of protection.  What’s not to love?

Claar:  They’re unsightly, cost money, and you can save the village money by keeping your garbage in the garage, and not putting the bags out until the morning.  That will keep the skunks away.

Woman:  What about the stray dogs, stray cats, coyotes, mice, rats, and moles?  A garbage toter offers more protection than a simple bag.

Claar:  Just because Democrat cities use them, doesn’t mean we have to change 25 years of garbage policy!

Woman:  Warrenville and Rochelle use totes, and they’re not run by Democrats.  I can buy my own, right?

Claar:  No.  They’re still unsightly.  If we are forced to change the law, I will make sure that you have to keep them in the backyard.  I hope they don’t force me to allow toters because I don’t want to subsidize garbage cans.

Woman:  You subsidize a luxury golf course, and you don’t want to subsidize an awesome garbage solution?  Besides, who are you to tell me what to do on my own property?

Claar:  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and you’re not a resident.  Only my foes care about garbage!

Woman:  Bonnie was right!  You are a communist fascist!

Claar:  You’re out of this video!

Williams says Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising will debut on YouTube sometime in 2018.

When reached for comment, the receptionist said the mayor was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Sheldon told me God wants him to be a trustee right now.  What do you think?

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “That depends.  Do you really want God telling you how to run Bolingbrook?”

“You just had to phrase it that way.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar rejects ‘soda rebate’
Chicago ghosts to march against gun violence this weekend
Claar forms secret committee to prepare Bolingbrook for a hurricane strike
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/20/17

Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

Note:  This article is from the Rochelle Reader, our sister publication in Rochelle, IL.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resumed their attacks against each other during their debate at Hub 35 UFO Base:

“My opponent wants a revolution,” said Clinton.  “You know, when I think of revolutions, I think of Mao, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot!  As the great philosopher John Lennon once said, ‘You can count me out!’ ”

Sanders countered: “When I think of revolution, I think of George Washington, Gandhi, Emma Goldman, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  Incidentally, I would have marched ahead of Dr. King if there weren’t so many people blocking my way!”

Clinton later said that she accepted responsibility for her Electoral College defeat. Next, she proceeded to blame Russia, James Comey, the media, Saturday Night Live, the Green Party, The Young Turks, Sanders, and the Illuminati.

“Since the 1980s, the Illuminati have chosen each major party’s nominee; then the New World Order proceeds to influence the general election.  When the Illuminati selected Donald Trump, I thought they were handing me the presidency.  I didn’t realize they were actually plotting to overthrow the New World Order and unleash chaos upon the world.”

Sanders agreed, then counterattacked: “If you had just campaigned in Wisconsin, you could have overpowered the Illuminati’s spells, and won.  I supported you in the general election, and you not only let the world down, but you also let the galaxy down.  We were on the verge of being invited to the Galactic Commonwealth, and now Trump is considering closing off all contact with our Interstellar Comrades.”

Clinton snapped back: “You didn’t support me until you forced me to put your imaginary ponies in the Democratic platform.  Before you finally endorsed me, your supporters protested on the floor of the convention and reminded moderates of the 1968 convention.  Then you refused to have me nominated by acclamation.  You cost me the election!”

“You cost yourself the election when the Democratic National Committee worked with the Illuminati to defeat me.  I should have won the nomination, and I could have stopped the Illuminati uprising.”

Clinton laughed.  “I won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, and I would have won more states if it weren’t for the caucus states.  I’m sorry, but my supporters don’t want to be in a room with men threatening to throw chairs at them.”

“Winning the popular vote did a lot of good for you.”

When members of the interstellar press asked how they each wanted to move forward,  each offered a different path.  Sanders said he would fight for full membership in the Commonwealth, pass his version of single payer health care, and focus on the working class:

“The Democrats have focused too much on petty differences.  Who cares if you are LBGXYZ?  Who cares what color your skin is?  The only thing that matters is having a social safety net like the rest of Europe.  Then we can aspire to be protected by the Interstellar Commonwealth.  It’s time to think bold!  We are one human race.”

Clinton shook her head.  “Socialism doesn’t fix bigotry.  Just look at the rise of the far right in Europe.  We should not surrender our party’s values to please a basket full of deplorable Trump supporters.  I’m proud to support minorities, even if I used to call some of their children superpredators.

Clinton said that she was out of politics, but would work within the New World Order to restore international institutions, support the international cover up of intelligent life in the universe, and to work with Republicans to build a “balanced international economy.”

“I firmly believe that you should learn to jump off a diving board before you try to jump off Mount Everest.  My opponent wants to jump off Mount Everest blindfolded and holding two feathers.”

After the debate, Sanders hosted a free meet and greet, where deli items were served. Clinton attended an exclusive party where she met with interstellar leaders, and business leaders.

Oklogot, a reporter from the Komkket system, was not pleased with the debate:

“Trump is going to win a second term, and Earth will suffer an environmental disaster. There are no political parties on a dead planet.”

Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)

Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17