It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year. Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.
Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions. Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic. They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives. The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020. Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.
Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.
So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?
The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election. Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook. The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal.
Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay! Let’s cut to the chase! You’re off the ballot. You’re off the ballot. You’re off the ballot. Every defendant is off the ballot!”
The board will unanimously approve the resolution. As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking. Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren. The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.
“Oops,” Lawler will reply.
When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.
Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes. While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House. Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.
Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election. The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President. Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.
Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser. Sean built it. That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”
A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course. There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.
It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis. Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.
Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.
Harris will say, “Better late than never.”
Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.
The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”
“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club. Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end. That’s why you should never question our decisions!”
Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.
“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say. “I just want to hear live music!”
Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:
“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”
He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:
“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards! Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not! So shut up and give me your money!”
To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:
“It’s been a hard year. The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees. Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza. But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”
Also in the Babbler:
Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Well, that was already shockingly predictive.