By Reporter X
Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night. It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth. Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar. All the special guests wore biohazard suits.
“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests. “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic. Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”
The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens. Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”
“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show. “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”
“Thank you,” replied Young. “I just needed the right inspiration. I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”
Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:
“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no. Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage. We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much. So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”
“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes. “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”
Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:
“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”
“It’s just a picture of you.”
Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:
“You are a faithful person and believe in science. I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”
“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”
Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:
“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention. Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people. I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?” Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita. So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”
“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.
Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party. He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:
“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village. We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district! Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere. I built factories and office parks on it. People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois! There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook. I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”
Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler: “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word. I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party. I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020? But don’t worry. I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position. This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”
“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community. It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no. I did it again.”
“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things. By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”
Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.
“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent. Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.
“What will I have to do?”
“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension. We’ll find you when the time comes.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“Let me tell you something: Keep an eye on the junior guy.”
“I suppose that means something.”
QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song. Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”
In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.
“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied. “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM? Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”
“Whatever (name redacted). We’re out of here.”
Also in the Babbler:
Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.