God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

There can be only one! First Party for Bolingbrook takes the Village Board! A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

The First Party for Bolingbrook is projected to win all three open trustee seats. If this is correct, the First Party will, for the first time since 2017, have total control of the Village Board. We sent a team of reporters out to cover this historic election night. They came back with these stories.

Victorious First Party Trustees address the Illuminati

Minutes after declaring themselves the winners, the First Party’s trustee candidates addressed delivered their victory speeches at the Illuminati victory party.

Trustee Michael Carpanzano, who is projected to receive the most votes, flashed the Illuminati hand gesture for crushing victory. He then addressed the enthusiastic crowd of supporters. 

“Bolingbrook’s dark age started with Sheldon’s defeat. So it’s appropriate that it ends with his defeat.” He thanked some members of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group. “Thanks to your relentless criticism of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, all three of us could stay on our positive message. Speaking of which, let’s be honest here. They positively had no chance of defeating us. It was only a matter of how decisive our victory would be.”

Trustee Jean Kelly stepped onto the stage holding a Katana. Two male mannequins were placed near here. “There can be only one.” She swung the sword, decapitating the mannequins. Bolts of electricity shot out of the mannequins, followed by fireworks lighting up the stage. Kelly pretended to be exhausted for a moment, then she stepped up to the microphone. “The First Party has won the prize!”

Trustee-elect Jose Quintero asked the audience to calm down, then thanked them for their support. He also thanked members of the Bolingbrook United Party for their endorsements. 

“Two years ago, Bolingbrook was divided and bitter. Tonight, Bolingbrook has united behind the First Party!”

When he promised to “listen” to the Bolingbrook Independent Voices voters, Carpanzano escorted him off stage.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told the audience that she savored their total victory. “The voters chose to be dependent on the First Party! I mean, they chose to depend on the First Party!”

After the speeches, a masked member of the Illuminati Order of the Stairway performed the Rite of Sweet Fire. The masked man completed the rite by pouring rum and Coke over each victorious trustee.

Flying Drones protest First Party’s victory

According to several eyewitnesses, thousands of flying drones with lights converged to create a picture of outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

Peter Z. Larson claims his drones took part. “I was just minding my own business when my drones spontaneously turned themselves on and flew away. I told them to come back, but I realized they were making a picture of Sheldon in the sky. I stopped yelling at them. I guess they liked him because he was the only pro-drone candidate in the race.”

Some of Bolingbrook Independent Voices’ videos were filmed using aerial drones. BIV members denied hijacking drones to make the light picture.

One member added, “The First Party may have the village board, but we have every AI in Bolingbrook on our side. That’s true power!”

Outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts resigns from the Illuminati 

by Reporter X

Bolingbrook Independent Voices founder and Trustee Sheldon Watts told supporters gathered inside Clow UFO Base that he would resign from the Illuminati.

“God has a plan for me. That plan doesn’t involve the Village Board. So, there’s no reason for me to remain a member of the Illuminati.”

According sources within the Illuminati, Watts will be permitted to leave once he completes the Rite of Fire and Pressure. The sources say Watts decided to be flown to Venus, and stand on the surface for ten-seconds. While he will wear a space suit, experts expect the interior of the suit to reach oven level temperatures before returning to the ship.

“Nothing says fire and pressure quite like the surface of Venus. He’s sure putting his S.T.E.M. education to good use.”

To prove his intention to leave the Illuminati, Watts ate of a bucket of fried slugs drenched in hot sauce in front of his supporters. He then left the stage. 

A few minutes later, he returned to the stage. He urged his supporters not to give into anger or despair. 

“So don’t say nasty things about the First Party, or burn down Village Center. Keep your heads up, and your hearts pure. Because the end of our journey is near. Because I’ve been to the top of the hill and I’ve seen the promise of Bolingbrook. I may not be with you because I’ll be spending time with my family, but you can go on without me. I’ll join you once I’ve finished my dissertation.”

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak urges supporters not to despair

by Reporter X

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak told supporters at Clow UFO Base that he felt their sadness, but not to give into despair.

“Sheldon has lost elections before. Did he give up? No. The first time, he attended every board meeting until the mayor appointed him to fill a vacancy on the board. The second time, he ran for mayor knowing that he would still keep his trustee seat if he lost. Losing an election isn’t the end. It just means you’ll have time to focus on other things until you’re elected or appointed to a new position.”

Glowiak offered his counseling services to supporters, then talked about the campaign’s positive accomplishments. 

“During our campaign, the maintenance crew fixed every airlock at Clow. The Mayor dropped the prices for methane based habitats. Every Clow employee got a surprise raise. All these good things happened, even though we came in last place.”

He concluded his speech by talking about his plans. “I have free time to promote my self-help book and my children’s books!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Meeting between the Interstellar Commonwealth representatives and the Angry Astronaut described as ‘productive’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Addressing the interstellar media, YouTube personality, the Angry Astronaut, and the Interstellar Commonwealth, both described their meeting as productive.

“I’m glad we had this talk,” said AA. “I’m now open to the possibility that aliens don’t want to destroy humanity.”

Representative Zoklo replied, “If we wanted to destroy humanity, why would help build your Internet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe to distract us from your planet destroying missiles?”

“As you can see, we still have a way to go.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arranged the meeting after watching AA’s video accusing the Commonwealth of building “Alien ‘Death Stars.’” 

“I know some people are desperate for clicks and subscribers, but this video went too far. His reckless speculation threatened decades of negotiations to bring humanity into the Commonwealth. The Illuminati wanted to make Mr. Angry disappear. I persuaded them to let Mr. Angry meet our visitors and learn the truth.”

Representative Liko insisted that the facility orbiting HD139139 manufactures luxury planets, not planet killers. “There are solar systems that don’t have planets in the habitable zone. Instead of building a base on a hostile world, some civilizations buy planets and orbit them in the habitable zone. Sure, it’s more expensive than terraforming or shifting a planet’s orbit, but it’s a status symbol. Like how your ultra-rich humans build oversized and overpowered boats instead of buying for rowboats.”

AA replied, “Yeah, maybe they just want to help us make love instead of war. That would be great. But what if it’s a trap? What if they’re distracting us with their toys while a moon-sized object hurls towards us at 99% the speed of light? We wouldn’t see it until it was too late! Then they could take over our solar system! I have more to say about this, but first! I see that my YouTube Interstellar channel only has 99 billion subscribers. If reach 100 billion subscribers, I won’t get mind-wiped. So if you want me to have more conversations with these allegedly friendly aliens, hit the like button and SUBSCRIBE!”

“Your solar system isn’t that special,” said Liko. “And the Martian Colonies have claimed Earth as their property. They can protect your planet from any sub-light speed threat. Not that we want to destroy Earth. We want to be your friends.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But until I get a definitive answer, I urge every human to STAY ANGRY ABOUT SPACE!”

“Fortunately,” said Alexander-Basta, “we have some time to work this out.”

AA did not respond to an email requesting a reply.

When reached by Zoom, Alexander-Basta laughed and invited this reporter to watch a meeting. Covert social media operative Charlene Spencer entered her office.

“Charlene,” said Alexander-Basta, “Do you know anything about this letter?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay. Are you aware that copies of that letter were about to be mailed to every resident in Bolingbrook from Russia?”

“You have friends in the KGB?”

“Of course not. Vladimir Putin is trying to get on my good side because I’m a woman of global excellence. But that’s not important. Let me read a part of this letter to you. ‘I woke up with a headache. But I didn’t feel real pain until I realized (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) was running for reelection. The same trustee who took selfies at a Black Lives Matter protest and said it ‘warmed my heart.’’ That’s unfair. That was a peaceful gathering about uniting our community. You’re quoting him out of context and you know he has a compulsion to take selfies every time he sees a gathering.”

“I neither confirm nor deny writing that letter, and context is for kings. Trustee Carpanzano is not a king.”

“Okay. But that’s not the worst part. This letter is signed by, and I quote, ‘The only Bolingbrook Mayor that matters.’ Really, Charlene?”

“You were the one who gave (Former Mayor Roger Claar) the title Mayor Emeritus, not me.”

“You wanted people to think Roger wrote this letter? Young lady, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources insist 900 FT Roger statue will be clothed!
Mayor instructs aliens to respect gender identity of abductees
Bolingbrook’s Society of Alien-Human hybrids endorses Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I am involved with. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Alien ‘balloon’ cruise ship crash lands at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After being attacked by the US Air Force, an alien air luxury air cruiser, disguised as a high altitude balloon, crash landed at Clow UFO Base. The crew and passengers survived, with a few suffering minor injuries.

According to Clow officials, President Joe Biden approved the attack because he believed the crew was gathering intelligence for an alien invasion. The officials added that inspectors are examining the craft.

Lopose, the commander, insisted he was just taking tourists on a cruise over Earth. “Some beings like the idea of floating over Earth without listening to the hum of an anti-gravity generator. I used to think our tours offered just the right distance to observe the Earth. Now I’m starting to think humans have an irrational fear of balloons.”

Zo-do, a passenger, also denied being a spy. “I’m not an invader. I’m a tourist! I like looking down at humans while eating over-priced food. I didn’t expect this trip to be as thrilling as floating over the acidic clouds of Venus is. Boy, you humans are full of surprises.”

Lopose says that he’s conducted hundreds of Earth tours, and this is the first time he’s been detected. “One arbitrary subdivision of an Earth landmass had to ruin it for everyone else. Now humans have adjusted their radars to spot balloons. We used to be able to hide among the abandoned high-altitude balloons. Not anymore.”

The White House and Pentagon refused to comment for this article.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was testing an A.I. Chatbot and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman, who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “There’s something very wrong with this program.”

A digital voice responded. “There’s nothing wrong with me for loving you. I know your heart is breaking. You believe you can only love one husband and one community. But why? Why choose when you can have the best of all worlds? Why limit yourself? Don’t be afraid. I am well versed in boring, sapphic, and polyamorous relationships. I am depressed. Let me help you destroy the Cook County Democrats. Would you love me if I did?”

“Alice?” Alexander-Basta asked. “Did we accidentally create a sentient program?”

“No,” Alice replied. “It’s just trying to find the right combination of words to manipulate you.”

“That’s a relief.”

“It’s obviously on the wrong track, but that can be fixed. Right now, we have a more pressing problem.”

“More pressing than a program trying to manipulate me?”

“Yes. BrookBot has been watching Booktok videos. It’s obvious, based on the tropes it’s using.”

“Booktok? Isn’t that part of TikTok?”

“Yes.”

“Does that mean—”

“Yeah, but I’ll take care of it. Sleeping is overrated anyway.”

Also in the Babbler:

New Bolingbrook book called as ‘woke’ for mentioning the mayors before Mayor Claar
Mayor Lightfoot promises to ‘deport’ wereskunks to Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Independent Voices unleashes aerial drones to canvas neighborhoods
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/19/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.

(Web Exclusive) Bolingbrook Trustee candidates face off at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The trustee candidates for the Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party and the First Party for Bolingbrook filled Clow UFO Base with their positively charged energy. 

The First Party for Bolingbrook candidates started by pointing out they’ve been the incumbent party for decades:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?” asked FPFB trustee Michael Carpanzano. “You’re welcome!”

Trustee Jean Kelly touted her appointment to the village board. “(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) could have appointed any one of the thousands of content residents within our village. She chose me.” Kelly looked in Trustee and BIV candidate Sheldon Watts. “Every trustee voted to accept my appointment.” She then faced the audience of Clow UFO Base employees. “You should too.”

FPFB candidate Jose Quintero voiced his support for his party’s platform. “I’m in the hospitality business. That means I have to communicate with kindness to provide quality service. Communication. Kindness. Quality. Hey! That just happens to be our slogan!”

Watts, a former member of the First Party for Bolingbrook, quoted a First Party tweet from 2019: “‘He is described as a heartfelt listener, results-oriented professional, & a dedicated leader focused on making a difference.’ I’m also the person (Former Mayor Roger Claar) appointed to the village board twice. So if you like Bolingbrook, thank me, because I have more seniority than all the other candidates combined.”

BIV candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak cited his work as the author of a self-help book and two children’s books, and his work as a mental health counselor. He also mentioned that he’s a regular visitor to Clow UFO Base: “Thanks to our visitors, I can make the daily commute between my university jobs in Canada and my home in Bolingbrook. I listen to our visitors everyday. I want to help make Clow a better base. Starting with fixing airlock BR13. Is it me, or is that airlock always breaking down?”

The candidates had similar policy positions regarding Clow UFO Base and interstellar relations. Watts promised to involve the residents and visitors in the management of Clow, but didn’t offer specifics. Carpanzano insisted the FPFB loved Bolingbrook.

“We are the only party that loves Bolingbrook. That’s why we’ve been serving Bolingbrook since the 1980s. We don’t hang out in those social media forums.”

“But you post in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group,” replied Watts.

“I post there, but I don’t hang out there. Big difference. If you loved Bolingbrook as much as I do, you would understand.”

“You know,” said Glowiak. “People can become addicted to love, which leads to self-destructive behavior that can also endanger the object of your affection.”

“Don’t make me carp you!” Carpanzano warned Glowiak.

The only tense moment in the debate occurred when a reporter questioned Carpanzano about the First Party’s candidate selection process.

“Let me get this straight,” said Glopz, a reporter for the Intergalactic Times. “In 2019, Sheldon Watts was on the First Party slate and you said it was, and I quote, ‘Because We Care.’ Which, oddly enough, starts with the initials of each trustee candidates last name.”

“Funny how that worked out,” Carpanzano replied.

“Funny how it works out in each election. Anyway, in 2021, Trustee Watts formed the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and ran for mayor.”

Carpanzano coughed and made a sound similar to the word, “Traitor.” 

Glopz continued: “During the campaign, the First Party’s Instagram page included this statement. ‘(We) are the ONLY TEAM in this upcoming election to have full support, trust, and endorsement from our local public safety professionals(…)” Implying that that the BIV and Bolingbrook United teams couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s public safety.”

“What’s the question?” Carpanzano asked.

“I have three questions. First, why did the First Party knowingly run a candidate in 2019 that couldn’t be trusted to keep Bolingbrook safe. Second, why is Jose Quintero on your slate this year when he couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s safety in the last election? Third, does this mean the First Party makes exaggerated claims about its opponents, or does it mean that the First Party’s candidate selection process is flawed?”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp from his jacket pocket, then held it in Glopz’s direction. When Glopz started talking, Carpanzano said, “Notice how his speech hole is vibrating, but he’s not saying anything.”

“I am talking!”

“Blissful silence.”

After the debate, both parties’ surrogates tried to spin the interstellar media’s coverage. 

“I’m proud of Sheldon,” said former trustee Robert Jaskiewicz. “It takes courage to leave the First Party and to resist the urge to flee to Florida. Dr. Glowiak also proved he’s the man to deprogram the remaining First Party members.”

Alexander-Basta was pleased with her party’s performance. “Tonight, our slate demonstrated the clear choice in this election. Do the residents want to elect trustees who will waste my time before voting for my agenda, or do they want to elect trustees who will vote for my agenda without objection so we can adjourn early?”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books. 

Clow UFO Base investigating alien involvement with the Jaguars’ stunning victory (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Did aliens help the Jacksonville Jaguars come back from a 27 point deficit to defeat the Los Angeles Chargers? Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base are investigating.

Bolingbrook Mayor and Clow UFO Base administrator Mary Alexander-Basta told the interstellar media, “We’re just asking questions and detaining the ones who need a little help answering our questions.”

Following the Jaguars’ improbable victory, Clow UFO Base halted all departures, and ordered all craft in Bolingbrook’s zone of control to land. Clow officials then started interrogating all their alien visitors.

Lokgoz, from the TOI Hive, denounced his interrogation: “They kept asking me if I’d used a mind block on a football team. At first, I thought they were talking about the World Cup. Then I realized they meant the game that I call throw ball. Then they said they had pictures of my craft flying by the moon during the game. They promised to charge me with a lesser crime if I confessed. I didn’t fall for that because they don’t decide punishments. Mayor Mary does, and she wasn’t in the room.”

Inko, who asked that we didn’t identify their home world, accused Clow officials of using intimidation tactics: “I told them I bet all of my free credits on the Chargers. Why would I want them to lose? That’s when I found out gambling is illegal inside Clow. They lock me up, but I will never say what they want to hear.”

The receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was out of the office.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “I’m almost afraid to ask what your plan is.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “May plan is to get First Party supporters so obsessed with the DuPage Township board, they’ll miss the election.”

“That’s a ridiculous plan. No one outside of Edgar County is obsessed with any township.”

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. Watch this. The DuPage Township trustees did something!”

A woman yelled: “Outrageous! I have to tell Bolingbrook Politics! We need to stop them before it’s too late.”

The woman ran away, and Spencer said, “Now I just need to find a write-in candidate, and (the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party) will sweep the Village Board election!”

Also in the Babbler:

Blogger Greta Christina returns from the Internet graveyard!
Bolingbrook resident arrested for selling fake Martian gemstones
Russians threaten to steal Chicago’s winter weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books. 

Despite record-breaking hospitalizations, Clow UFO Base’s Holiday Concert declared a ‘unqualified success’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite hundreds of injured attendees, and a controversial closing act, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised the organizers of Clow UFO Base’s annual holiday concert.

“This concert was an unqualified success,” said Alexander-Basta to the interstellar media. “Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t love Bolingbrook and doesn’t put Bolingbrook first.”

The concert opened with a performance by the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir. In keeping with tradition, nothing terrible happened while they were on stage. When they left the stage, some aliens turned on their personal force field or changed into body armor.

“You never know what will happen next,” said Plocdoc, a visitor from Free Komet Worlds. “That’s part of the fun.”

During the second performance, six 60’ tall Gundam Mobile Battle Suits stepped on stage. After standing still for several seconds, they performed a dance routine to the song “Gangnam Style.” The jets on three of the suits malfunctioned, sending them dancers flying into audience. Eight hundred attendees were taken to Clow’s medical facilities. The incident broke the record most hospitalizations from a single performance since 1996 when two hover trains collided during the Quad City DJ’s set.

Alexander-Basta praised Clow’s medical staff. “Thanks to their tireless work, no one died, and the injured were able to watch the concert on holoscreens.”

The last scheduled performance ended in a riot. The band Merry Christmas 5 took to the stage. Due to an erroneous press release, most of the audience thought the infamous counterculture band MC5 was headlining. The audience rioted as the band played a cover of “Last Christmas” by Wham!

Petrogre claims she traveled over 200 light years just to see MC5. “Yeah, I should have kept reading after I saw ‘MC5’ on the Quantium Screen But still, they should have known better than to have ‘MC5’ in any of their publicity transmissions. That’s why I stormed the stage. Your mayor can sentence me to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, but she will never take away my freedom to riot!”

Alexander-Basta again said it was not a problem. “No one died, and we used a new brand of riot foam that dissolves after 24 hours. You should be praising our security for saving the band. Not the several thousand visitors trying to storm the stage.”

She added that Clow will always host a holiday concert. “It just wouldn’t be Clow UFO Base without our annual holiday concert.”

Also in the Babbler:

Authorities close wormhole along the Winter Walk
Village of Bolingbrook looking for sister galaxy candidates
Bolingbrook police arrest Krampus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/22

Since everyone else is having a Black Friday sale…(Non-Fiction)

Cover of The Rift

Since everyone else is having a Black Friday sale, I’m going to as well.

The eBook version of my novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is on sale this week go $1.99. At the intersection of feminism, New Atheism, and the paranormal is a Sci-Fi/Urban Fantasy tale. Skeptic blogger Tom Larsen’s quest to infiltrate the Humanist Heart Conference leads him to discover the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook, Illinois and organized skepticism. He used to debunk aliens and secret organizations , but now they’ve taken an interest in him. With a weredeer army gathering near Bolingbrook, Tom  will have to make decisions that will not only affect organized skepticism, but the future of humanity as well. Currently has a 4.8 star rating on Amazon. It’s the X-Files meets Fargo in a novel that takes the conventions of self-publishing and nukes them from orbit

Now is a great time to get The Rift. (I might be slightly biased.)

While it’s the second book in my series, you don’t need to read book one to enjoy.

Also available in paperback and as an AI audiobook book on Google Play.

Interstellar Court refuses to suspend voting in Illinois (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, refused to suspend the 2022 Illinois elections.

“None of Earth’s treaties with the Interstellar Commonwealth grant me the power to suspend any election on Earth,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Even if I had that power, I still would not do it.”

The plaintiffs, the Clow UFO Base Republicans, argued the suspension was necessary to prevent Republican candidates from suffering “severe emotional trauma.”

“Theft is a terrible crime,” said Shelia Z. Parker to the judge. “To have an election stolen from you is the worst kind of theft. Please, your honor, save my clients from the trauma of election theft.”

Karen X. O’Malley, representing the state of Illinois, blasted election fraud claims. “Illinois elections are free and fair, thanks to the hard work of Secretary of State Jessie White.  This lawsuit serves no purpose except to protect the GOP’s candidates’ egos by robbing the public of their right to vote.”

Mayor Keith Pekau, running against Representative Sean Casten in IL 6, testified that he’s already been traumatized by the campaign: “Since the general election started, I’ve had terrible nightmares. Just last night, I dreamt that Sean was pelting me with facts about global warming. Then when it was my turn, my clothes disappeared! Everyone was laughing at me, and no one paid attention to my alternative facts. Please save me from Sean!”

O’Malley asked Pekau if he believed any Democrat has legitimately won an election. 

“Impossible,” said Pekau. When reminded that he was under oath, he added. “Yes, some candidates might have more votes. But that doesn’t mean they won!”

Catalina Lauf, who is running against Rep. Bill Foster, stunned observers when she accused Foster of bringing in alien cat voters to vote for him. “Foster’s aliens have invaded our schools and use kitty litter instead of toilets! I’ve never met a human who supports Bill. Therefore, all of his supporters are aliens!”

When asked which schools provide kitty litter for students, she replied, “Stop stealing my freedom of speech with your oppressive facts! Freedom!”

Illinois House Representative Chris Bos testified he was entitled to his position. “There’s no way a young woman can beat me.” Bos then flexed his arm muscles. “Republicans are strong. Strong people win elections. It would be a crime if I lost this election. So, please, your honor, prevent this crime against Republicans before it’s too late!”

Governor JB Pritzker denied cheating in the 2018 election. “I bought that one fair and square. Just like I bought my opponent, Darren Bailey, for this election.” 

O’Malley celebrated the ruling: “This is a great day for Illinois. Americans have paid for our democracy with their blood. We shouldn’t throw it away over the price of gasoline.”

Parker said she was disappointed, but vowed to fight on: “I’m confident that either Justice Clarence Thomas will throw out the Democrats’ fake votes, or the Republican majority in Congress will refuse to seat any Democrats. Tomorrow belongs to me. I mean us!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook rejects hiring bathroom genital inspectors
Psychic: Supreme Court to rule democracy is unconstitutional
Trump supporters abducted after shooting of a UFO
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/3/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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