By Reporter X
The 2020 holiday season began with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base closed due to the pandemic, and its “doomsday crew” quarantining on the moon. With support from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the Village still managed to hold its annual holiday concert, despite some on-stage drama, and technical difficulties.
Donna K. Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said: “Thanks to the Interstellar Commonwealth, we were able to lift the morale of our Doomsday Crew and provide the illusion of normalcy. Sure, we had some unexpected and unwelcome hologram-bombers, but overall, we proved Bolingbrook’s exceptionalism to the galaxy!”
For the first time, the concert was broadcast live across the galaxy. Under the direction of the Interstellar Commonwealth, it was also an interstellar fundraiser for Bolingbrook. Hosted by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, the concert featured live performances by alien musicians, hologram performances by human performers, speeches, and videos.
“A portion of every credit donated will go towards supporting our fine crew here tonight,” said Jaskiewicz. “The rest will be donated to the Clow UFO Base relief fund to help the families of furloughed employees. In case you’re wondering, the Mayor and trustees will not receive a single credit from this fund.”
“Which is too bad,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano by Holo-Zoom. “I wanted to use that money to promote myself—I mean the fine businesses suffering under this pandemic.”
The concert started with DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford announcing that she was running the Holo-Zoom connection:
“I want to thank the Village for recognizing my cybersecurity expertise.”
After the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir performance, Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech urging aliens to donate:
“COVID-19 and the Governor’s restrictions are hurting our local businesses. Some restaurants are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their customers’ lives so they can offer indoor dining. This is despite being in the middle of an airborne pandemic! If I impose fines, the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce will call me the mean mom of Bolingbrook. Each credit you donate will allow Clow’s employees to shop locally, and to let me keep my reputation as Bolingbrook’s number one fun mom!”
Alexander-Basta then announced that she had secured enough doses of the Venus COVID-19 vaccine to inoculate every employee. Despite needing to be stored at 820 F and at an atmospheric pressure 75 times greater than Earth’s, she expected all of Clow’s employees to be vaccinated by the end of January and to reopen Clow shortly afterward.“Happy holidays from the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Illuminati. Fnord!”
A hologram of Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member and Bolingbrook United’s candidate for Mayor, then appeared next to Alexander-Basta:
“Actually, I helped negotiate this agreement in my role as a representative of the New World Order. Thanks to our efforts, All of Chicagoland’s UFO bases should be reopened by February. The breakthrough came when Peotone UFO Base agreed to trade its phosphine stock in exchange for the vaccine. I guess Venus has a major insect infection in its upper atmosphere.”
Alexander-Basta threatened to arrest Traynere if she didn’t log off. Traynere replied: “Looks like I have to go, but I hope you’ll remember that I’m running to be Mayor of Bolingbrook, not act like one.”
Former Mayor Roger Claar also addressed the audience. He announced that he was the spokesperson for Yugost Brewery, located on Europa. He said that a portion of the sales of their newest rum would be donated to the relief fund. He also debuted his first video commercial for the company. It went like this :
“As many of you know, I’m a fan of rum and cola. It’s hard to find the right rum to mix in, even on Earth. When I heard that Yugost was releasing a new rum to commemorate Jupiter and Saturn’s conjunction, I was skeptical.” Claar then pulled out a bottle that resembled the recent monoliths appearing on Earth, and stated: “Monolith Rum is the first rum from Europa that’s safe for human consumption.” Claar next started pouring rum into a glass of cola: “If you want to experience the next evolutionary milestone of rum, then ask for Monolith Rum.” Claar took a sip of his drink: “Wow! Just one sip and you’ll feel like a star child too!”
As musicians from around the galaxy performed, unauthorized holograms appeared on stage. A notable crasher included Al Franken, former US Senator and host of The Al Franken Show:
“It’s me! Al Franken! I’m taking my comeback tour to the stars next year. But let me say happy Hanukkah! Who wants to spin the dreidel with me? Acting Mayor—”
“I’m the Mayor! You’d better log off before I order the Men in Blue to cancel you so hard that no one will take you seriously!”
“You’re almost as funny as me: Al Franken.”
One of the most emotional moments of the concert seemed unremarkable at first. Jaskiewicz announced a mystery singer was going to perform and challenged the audience to guess the singer’s identity. When the singer walked on, Carpanzano said he wasn’t fooled by the headscarf and recognized her as Sinead O’Connor.
“Maybe,” Jaskiewicz replied.
“You’re dishonest! It’s obviously Sinead. I’ll carp you after the concert!”
“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve carped me offline.”
O’Connor and her band first performed “Silent Night.” After receiving a standing ovation for her singing, O’Connor then sang “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance.” Near the end of the song, her background singers’ holograms morphed into images of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver and DuPage Township Ken Burgess. O’Connor then held up a photo of Benford. O’Connor’s hologram changed to resemble DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George. George then ripped up the picture.
“That’s for kicking me off the Republican slate!” He said.
A hologram of the previous supervisor’s wife appeared and flipped off Benford before vanishing.
A hologram of Bonnie Kurowski, the leader of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, appeared and pointed at Benford:
“You got censored by the board!”
“I was censured, not censored!” Benford then frantically touched buttons on her touchpad. “After I figure out how to disconnect you, I will get my revenge by sweeping the township election in April. Then I will be supervisor!”
“The Edgar County Watchdogs can’t save you now. Or should I say watchdog?”
“Who cares,” added Republican Township candidate Antonio Timothee. “Bonnie, I’m going to flame you so hard that your ashes will be burned to ashes!”
After the show, many “doomsday crew” members said they enjoyed the concert and the support they received from around the galaxy.
An employee who asked not to be identified, said: “The outside world has changed so much. Handshakes are obsolete. Most of the restaurants are gone. Being a Republican now means selfishly risking others’ lives so you can sit in a bar. Being a Democrat now means taking personal responsibility for the well-being of others. It’s such a different world out there. But when I watched our politicians argue with each other, I realized that some things haven’t changed. Somehow, I find that to be reassuring.”
Also in the Babbler:
Hanukkah Harry tests negative for COVID-19
Village of Bolingbrook issues new permit for Santa to enter homes
Humanists insist that ‘Human Light’ isn’t a celebration of spontaneous human combustion
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/2020
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.