Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine police announced crackdown against anti-vaccine alien terrorists (Fiction)

Photo of an alleged anti-vaccination alien taken in Palatine.

By Reporter X

The Palatine Police Department’s Interstellar Division began a campaign to arrest and/or kill members of an alien anti-vaccine terrorist cell operating in the greater Palatine area.

Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division, spoke during an interstellar press conference. She stated:

“These aliens aren’t just asking questions. They’re spreading deadly doubts among our Republican residents.  They’re not speaking propaganda in order to help Conservatives.  They’re trying to frighten us into extinction with their anti-vaccination propaganda.  Let’s be clear.  No humans means no Republican Party and no Village of Palatine!  We can’t have that.”

Officers displayed images of aliens they claim are members of the interstellar terrorist group KuKPu’K.  KuKPu’K operatives travel across the galaxy spreading anti-vaccine propaganda to dissuade sentient beings from receiving vaccines.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, operatives will either release a deadly disease that has a vaccine or subvert efforts to provide vaccines to citizens against an existing pandemic.

In one of their holovids, shown at the press conference, a hooded leader insists they are doing the universe a favor:

“We are not anti-vaccine.  We are the vaccine against stupidity. Any species that refuses to vaccine its offspring against deadly diseases deserves extinction. Any species that believes RNA vaccines re-write DNA should not be allowed to reproduce.  Any species that believes in freedom and liberty without responsibility doesn’t deserve membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.  You’re welcome!”

Blake also showed enhanced photos of aliens organizing protests against mask mandates and spreading false propaganda about COVID-19.  She then produced a doorbell camera video of an alien, disguised as a human, canvasing a subdivision in Palatine. The dialogue in the video went like this :

Alien: Good day human breeder, I mean parent.

Resident: Why shouldn’t I shoot you now?

Alien: Because I’m here to warn you about the COVID vaccine.

Resident:  You don’t have to warn me.  I watch Fox news.  I know it rewrites your DNA, with RNA—

Alien: Not to mention that it renders its victims unable to fire their guns, and implants Critical Race Theory in your mind.

Resident: That sounds right, therefore I know it’s right.  Why didn’t Fox News tell me?  Oh no, they’re in on it too!  I’ve got to buy another gun.  You are a true patriot!

Blake concluded by reminding the media that it is a capital offense for any human to knowingly conspire with KuKPu’K:

“We will investigate anyone suspected of being in league with KuKPu’K.” 

Blake then coughed in a way that sounded like she was saying “Aaron Del Mar.“ 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar, who participated in an anti-mask mandate rally in Palatine,  could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz said he was attending an important meeting with the police union and could not be disturbed.

“We don’t have an interstellar division,” stated the receptionist.  “I think you need a permit to waste the mayor’s time with silly questions.  Let me check.”

In the background, a man said: “Let me get this straight.  If we take these two shots, they will strengthen our natural immunity against COVID?”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied, “Yes.  Think of it as a pre-season training camp for team immunity.  The Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears don’t go into a season without a training camp. Now some politicians want you to take four injections of artificial antibodies—”

“We’re not going to let some politician replace our God-given immunity.  We’re going to take these immunity-boosting shots.  You may be a politician, your honor, but you’ve earned our trust.”

“Thanks,” Schwantz replied.  “If you can’t trust a Fremd graduate, who can you trust?”

Also in the Babbler:

Misogynistic Weredeer arrested for protesting International Daughters Day
Ghost pharaoh visits Bolingbrook’s village hall
DuPage Township sponsors Mercury trip for elderly aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Mary orders aliens to offer COVID shots during abductions (Fiction)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

By Reporter X

To combat the spread of the COVID-19 Delta Variant near Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta ordered UFO crews to offer vaccines to their abductees.

“Nature has declared war on Bolingbrook,” said Alexander-Basta during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Administering the vaccine is the key to dealing Nature a humiliating defeat!”

Starting immediately, any UFO licensed through Clow to abduct humans must offer either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines.  Abductees are free to refuse the vaccine, but must still submit to the researcher’s procedures.  Clow is the first UFO Base on Earth to mandate UFO crews to attempt to administer shots.

“Only just over half of our residents are fully vaccinated,” said Alexander-Basta.  “That’s not good enough.  We’re holding pop-up clinics and even going to people’s homes to give them the shot.  Yet people are still hesitant to get vaccinated.  Even (Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s) propaganda pieces—I mean social media posts— aren’t enough to overcome some of our residents’ reluctance.”

Alexander-Basta feels that aliens might be uniquely qualified to overcome vaccine hesitancy:

“If you don’t trust me, or my TV show, or your doctor, or President Biden, or President Trump, you might trust a member of an interstellar civilization.  They probably know more about your physical health than you do.”

Alexander-Basta then introduced a man wearing a mask and a hooded robe that she identified as a member of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.  He attacked the vaccine-resistant as “foes of Bolingbrook and humanity.”

“I’m sick of staying in my pod.  I’m sick of wearing a cloth mask when I’m not performing rituals, but most of all, I’m sick of the pro-COVID death cult in my party!  They claim to be pro-freedom, but I have news for you: Death isn’t freedom!  Dust to Dust?  That’s communism!  Do you think letting the weak die is masculine?  (Expletive deleted!) That’s like saying, ‘I carry a gun because I don’t want thugs to hurt me, but I don’t care about my family!’  How far would the gun rights activists have gotten if we’d made that argument? You say you’re not going to take the vaccine because you don’t know every ingredient in the shot?  Do you know the ingredients in all the COVID treatments?  They’re under the same emergency use authorization as the vaccines!  Do you think there’s a tracking chip in the vaccine?  You’re not important enough to be tracked!  And if we did want to track you, we’d track your smartphone!  Just like the New World Order did during the insurrection!  Trump is vaccinated!  Mayor Mary is vaccinated!  Everyone in the Fox News studios is vaccinated!  Don’t be one of those selfish hippies with a US Flag patch.  Get vaccinated, or get out of my village!”

As the man left the stage, he said to Alexander-Basta, “This is why you need a Mayor Emeritus.”

Following the announcement, Bolingbrook’s opposition parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released a joint statement criticizing her order:

“While we agree that the vaccines are safe and save lives, and encourage vaccination, abductees are not in a position to give their consent.  Abductees are in a state of mind similar to sleep paralysis.  They can’t consent to major medical decisions in that state of mind.  Plus let’s not forget why they are called abductees.  For decades, the First Party of Bolingbrook has tolerated the kidnapping of residents for outdated experiments and profited from licensing fees.  Some of us have always opposed this policy.  Some of us didn’t always oppose this policy.  One of us supported the policy before opposing it.  Now all of us are united in our opposition!”

When reached for comment, Alexander-Basta laughed and asked this reporter to join her for a video chat with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.  When Spencer logged in, Alexander-Basta accused her of creating a front group called Suburban Residents for Higher Government.

Alexander-Basta: You won’t believe the trouble I went through to get your video pulled off of YouTube.

Spencer: What video?

Alexander-Basta:  Don’t play dumb with me young lady.  You know exactly which video I’m talking about.  The one you uploaded from our guest Wi-Fi network.

Spencer: As a taxpaying resident of Bolingbrook, I’ve used the Village Center WiFi to upload many videos.  You need to be more specific.

Alexander-Basta:  I’m talking about the one that accuses me of controlling the distribution of a deadly drug that kills 95,000 people annually, is more addictive than cannabis, causes organ failure, and drains a quarter of a trillion dollars from the economy every year.

Spencer: Well, since you’re the mayor, that also makes you the Local Liquor Control Commissioner. So technically—

Alexander-Basta ended the call.

Also in the Babbler:

Sentient COVID-19 Delta variant insists it was born in India, not China
Scientist predicts if nothing changes, COVID-19 will wipe out most Republicans by 2024.
UFOs escaping Afghanistan land at Clow UFO Base
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine’s UFO base holds first Pride celebration (Fiction)

Hundreds of aliens and humans attended the first Pride celebration at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  Despite the village having only days to organize the event, The staff of Sherman UFO Base declared the event a success.

“Somehow the aliens found out about Mayor Jim Schwantz’s Pride Month proclamation,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Then they demanded a Pride month celebration on the base.  The mayor didn’t tell me he was going to write up and sign a Pride Month proclamation, so I was caught off guard.”

The “semi-family friendly” event featured concerts, skits, Pride-themed foods, and lively discussions.  Ottesen credited the event’s corporate sponsors for their help in organizing the activities.

Some attendees criticized the marketing of some of the activities, which they called “Rainbow Washing.” One of the worst examples cited was the re-enactment of the Stonewall Uprising.  A horrible scene in it had Marsha P. Johnson saying anachronistic and obviously fictional lines:

“We are tired of being blackmailed.  We are tired of being arrested.  We want to proudly add letters to our sexuality.  We want to post our pronouns on the Internet!  We are so mad that we want to fight.  I will start the uprising by throwing a brick.  But not just any brick.  I’m going to toss this brick from the KIC Construction company.  From Dyson Spheres to homes, KIC takes pride in its work and is proud to sell its services to all accepting civilizations!”

Other attendees found the event inspiring:

“My culture only recognizes one gender,” said Oostop, a citizen of the Mitosis Alliance.  “However I never identified with that gender.  I used to think I was broken, but thanks to this event, I know there are other beings like me. I can now seek out gender-affirming treatment and I will soon figure out my true gender identity.  Thanks, Palatine!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO base will hold annual pride events, but didn’t know if the Village ever would.

“It’s really up to the residents.  I know that was unthinkable at one time, but who could have thought that the Village of Barrington would recognize Pride Month?  Anything is possible.”

A receptionist for Schwantz confirmed that he signed a Pride proclamation:

“Can you not make a big deal about it?  We don’t want to make (State Representative Tom Morrison) even angrier than he is now.  It must hurt knowing that your hometown rejects your bigotry.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Schwantz, said: “I just wanted to let you know that I wrote up that proclamation you requested.”

A man who sounded like politician Joe Walsh replied: “Great!  I’ll pick it up at the next meeting!”

“Oh I won’t mention it at the meeting,” replied Schwantz.  “I wrote it and filed it in my draft documents folder like I do with other questionable proclamation requests.”

“But—”

“You should feel fortunate that I wrote anything for ‘National Unemployed Radio Talk Show Host Day.’”

“Jim!  You’ve got to help me.  Okay, maybe a proclamation wasn’t the best idea.  I’ve got another one!  You can help me get a radio show on WBBM!  I could learn how to talk about the Bears.  This is a great idea.  I can be on the radio and still hate Trump!”

“I think you’re addicted to being a radio talk show host.  You should get help for that.”

Also in the Babbler:

Flying pyramid appears at Cavalcade of Planes
Wereskunks to premiere ‘litter art’ to celebrate Pride Month
Village retires Mayor Claar’s android double
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases revaluate using ‘skeptics’ as UFO sightings skyrocket (Fiction)

A decloaked UFO flies over Palatine.

By Reporter X

Rising public interest in both UFOs and Unidentified Aerial Phenomena is forcing Chicagoland’s three UFO bases to revaluate their staff of professional skeptics.

“We’re in a debunking crisis,” said Theresa Z. Theil, Director of Concealment Operations for  Peotone UFO Base.  “60 Minutes is taking UFOs seriously.  The government is about to issue an unclassified report on UAPs.  Ex-government officials can’t keep their mouths shut.  Meanwhile, we can’t find enough people to hold a SkeptiCamp.”

According to an Ipsos poll from 2020, 45% of US residents believe UFOs are real and have visited the Earth.  Public belief in UFOs started declining in 2014, and many UFO interest groups folded by 2018. Then sightings increased in 2019, skyrocketed in 2020, and are still increasing.  

Experts within the New World Order and Illuminati blame the increase on people having more free time during the pandemic, aliens disregarding stealth protocols, the decline of the skeptical and New Atheists movement after 2011, and the War between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Reid Ottesen, Palatine Village Manager and Director of Rob Sherman UFO Base explained: “Both sides are building UFO Bases, but both sides aren’t coordinating their coverup efforts.  Additionally, it didn’t help when the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry defected from the New World Order to the Illuminati.  I’m still trying to hire replacement skeptics, and I’m offering more than $15 an hour.”

Ottesen hopes stricter enforcement and improved cloaking technology will help Sherman UFO Base maintain a low percentage of sightings.  According to Ottesen, he’s already doubled the number of disciplinary hearings from 2020:

“Yesterday, I fined three crews for reckless piloting.  Not only were they sighted, but Patch mentioned them.  Sure these were steep fines, and we now have liens on their ships, but they deserve it for flying uncloaked for ten minutes with their landing lights on!”

Ottesen hopes that YouTube and Skepchick’s newly reorganized diplomatic corp will restore Palatine’s debunking efforts.

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has its own staff of skeptics, as well as representatives from The Skeptics Society, and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  Clow spokesperson Donna K. Smith says Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will be conducting a “routine reevaluation” of Clow’s debunking protocols:

“Because Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world, we are constantly innovating our public concealment efforts.  That may or may not reduce our reliance on contract skeptics.”

Despite officials denials, the Babbler managed to obtain an email from Alexander-Basta to CFI and the Skeptics Society demanding improvements:

“It’s very clear to me that your skeptics are suffering from severe mission drift.  They seem to think their mission is to protect Western Civilization from ‘Wokeness,” when they should be covering up security breaches.  From what I’ve seen, they’re doing both jobs poorly.  I doubt they could have covered up the illegal UFO base that was in South Elgin. Maybe I should hire PZ Myers instead.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she wasn’t working that day and was unreachable.

In the background, a man who looked like DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke approached Covert Social Media Advisor Charlene Spencer.

“I knew I would find you here,” said Marschke.  “You’re using the waiting area as your second office.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I am but a humble constituent, who just happens to be eight hours early for her scheduled meeting with the mayor,” said Spencer.

“Do you really think I’m that foolish?” asked Marschke. “Don’t answer that.  I just need to know if your lackeys sent out fake texts to voters telling them that we were going to abolish the township?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe isn’t good enough.  I want to know why you lied.  You know we campaigned on adding services, not abolishing the township.  Can you at least come clean about your lies?”

“I neither confirmed nor denied that I lied, or that I bought the same list of registered voters that you bought.”

“I’ve only been in office a few days, and I’m already sick of your billionaire client and you.  Why does he hate townships?  Is it because we help people?”

“Yes,” replied Charline

“Yes?”

“Yes.  He hates townships because they help desperate people, and my client needs desperate people who will accept desperation wages so my client can use the savings to buy the yacht that he desperately wants.”

“I think your client desperately needs the mental health services we’re going to provide our residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff offers its condolences to Mayor Alexander-Basta
Bolingbrook resident attacked by sentient algae in a swimming pool
Aliens arrested for hoarding lumber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

New World Order and aliens throw retirement party for Trustee Jaskiewicz (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

By Reporter X

The New World Order and Interstellar Commonwealth representatives hosted a surprise party for outgoing Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, was elected to the Village Board in 2017 as the first opposition trustee in over 30 years.  He decided not to run for reelection in 2021.

“You could have told me,” said a surprised Jaskiewicz.  “I would have prepared a speech.”

Jaskiewicz’s supporters and friends gathered at Bolingbrook United’s embassy, which will soon be converted to the Giamanco Law Partners’ Interstellar Affairs office.  Many embassy staff members thanked Jaskiewicz for his service:

“I was so depressed before you were elected,” said Beth Z. Wilkerson, a Covert Affairs Specialist.  “I loved helping our visitors, but I hated working for (Former Mayor Roger Claar).  Then you hired me and you helped me rediscover my love for covert work.  You cared for Bolingbrook and our guests more than your interstellar campaign fund.  Unfortunately, the voters didn’t replace you, so I’m taking a job at Rob Sherman UFO Base.  It just won’t be the same.”

Losgotus, leader of one of the Martian Colonies, made a rare visit to Earth to personally congratulate Jaskiewicz: “When we heard that Roger allied with President Trump and defected to the New World Order, I wanted to destroy Clow myself.  But when Bolingbrook selected you to serve on the board, I decided to spare Clow.  Your election was a message that not all humans in Bolingbrook were lost to Trumpism, memes, and the pandemic.  You saved Bolingbrook, and I will keep my promise not to destroy Clow for at least ten Earth years.”

Will County Board Member and New World Order representative Jackie Traynere praised Jaskiewicz for being the “People’s trustee.”:

“I know it was hard, Bob, but you represented the residents Roger ignored and belittled.  You fought for garbage toters, while Roger fought for Trump.  You visited residents while Roger visited Cuba. You stood up to the Space Force marines occupying Clow, while Roger bowed before them.  Your term as trustee may be history, but you also made history.  Whenever the First Party tries to gaslight Bolingbrook, we will remember your resistance!  You are irreplaceable, Bob, but Bolingbrook United will go on!”

Jaskiewicz later replied: “I want to thank Jackie for her kind words.  I may be irreplaceable, but I would have happily given my trustee chair to one of our candidates.”

Jaskiewicz thanked the attendees, and shared his favorite memories:  “I’ve seen aliens from all over the universe, but the most amazing thing I saw was the look on Roger’s face at the Pathway’s Parade when we marched past him with a garbage toter.”

He then warned the crowd that dark days could be ahead for the New World Order:  “As we speak, QAnon and her followers are trying to steal President Biden’s Arizona victory.  The Illuminati’s operatives are infiltrating the Democratic Party as we speak.  If Bill Gates’ idiocy doesn’t undermine our efforts to control COVID, the Anti-vaccination death cult will.  Unfortunately, we can’t forget about Donald Trump.  He may be out of the Illuminati, but he’s still dangerous.”

Jaskiewicz announced that he would be moving out of Bolingbrook to join the “Cat Koin” project.  

“I won’t miss Roger’s attacks, (Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s) blowing me off, or Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s passive-aggressive positivity.  But I will miss all the great residents that made me proud to call Bolingbrook my home.  Bolingbrook is proof that E pluribus unum works!”

When Jaskiewicz finished talking, some aliens started chanting: “Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!”  Jaskiewicz laughed and replied: “Sorry, I can’t rap.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  On a video call, her receptionist wished Jaskiewicz the best and looked forward to “four debate-free years in village hall.”

In the background, covert social media operative Charlene Spencer and Trustee-elect Troy Doris were sitting at a table.

Spencer said: “So we have a former mayor who not only supported Trump but raised money for him and other Republicans.  We have the current mayor who accepted an award from the same representative who gave an award to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.  We have a supporter who almost started a fight with Black Lives Matter protesters behind village hall.  And we have a trustee who not only attended a fundraiser for Donald Trump but posed with him wearing a Trump tie.  It sounds very partisan and weird to me, but they insist they’re not strange or partisan.  Insist!  Yes, and I haven’t even touched on their great garbage debate.  Bolingbrook’s garbage collection used to be paid out of the village’s general fund, but last year they started charging residents directly.  Some residents ended up paying more, and, unlike most Chicago suburbs, Bolingbrook residents are not allowed to rent or buy garbage toters.  The opposition parties campaigned against this new arrangement.  One even called it a ‘garbage tax!’  How did the First Party respond? They said it’s not a tax!  It’s a fee!  So that makes it okay, and if you call it a tax, you’re a liar! I guess taxes are terrible and fees are fine.  You know, the more I research Bolingbrook, the more confused I get.  So tonight, we’re joined by First Party member Troy Doris, who will try to make sense of this for us.  Trustee Doris, you’ve been listening to me talk for the past 20 minutes.  Have I said anything wrong, or even slightly misleading?”

Doris dropped his jaw and blankly stared at Spencer for several moments.  He finally said: “You’re right.  I should be interviewed by Brian Williams instead of Rachel Maddow.  I need to master the short jump before attempting the sextuplet jump.”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order and Illuminati agree not to put tracking devices in COVID vaccines
Blurry photos of Bonnie taken in Bolingbrook
Wereskunks organize summer garbage festivals in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens celebrate as Clow UFO Base’s restaurants reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.

“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta.  “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods.  The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high.  Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated.  So we can safely reopen everything!  So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”

Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military.  While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.

“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team.  “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military.  It would be fun to take on the US military.  We love a good sporting war.  If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other.  That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet.  Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”

One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes.  While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.

Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great.  I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”

Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration.  Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests.  He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:

“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever!  But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement!  I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”

All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.”  Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.

Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated:  “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks.  When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant.  Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him.  I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”

On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.

Alexander-Basta said: “Okay.  Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position.  I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half.  Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection.  It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang.  What do each of you think?”

Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”

Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”

Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.”  Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face:  “You are now carped.”

Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.”  She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face:  “I counter with my alligator gar!”

Alexander-Basta smiled.  “This is a starting point.”

Also in the Babbler:

Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.

Clow UFO Base

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated:  “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”

“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.

“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.

Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices.  Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time.  So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”

Jill replied:  “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math.  Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music.  As the music played, Raga said:  “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township.  Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM!  Say it with me.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that.  Get with the times, Dennis.  Purge the Left!  Stop the Steal!  Troll them all!”

Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that?  You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”

The woman said: “Caring is for commies!  We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate!  Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”

Peotone UFO Base

Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony.  Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:

“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland.  I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program.  We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents.  If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”

Rob Sherman UFO Base

Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.

“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted!  Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”

“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.

“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”

“Leave some for the residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonies send ‘peacekeepers’ to Illinois (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

Thousands of Martian Colonial marines landed in Illinois as part of a “peacekeeping force” to protect Earth’s UFO bases.

A statement from the colonial government read: “The humans who follow the orange god-emperor are threatening to perform a mass sacrifice in his honor.  Therefore it is prudent that we send peacekeepers to Earth to protect our visitors to our primitive neighbor.”

Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta greeted the marines at the Martian Colonial base built on the former site of Old Chicago.  She thanked them for their protection and their offer to disinfect Clow UFO Base before its planned reopening in February:

“We appreciate your protection against the divisiveness threatening our community,” said Alexander-Basta.  “As long as you don’t harm any good residents, you can stay as long as you want.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is a candidate for mayor in the April Consolidated election, argued with Alexander-Basta:  “I don’t care if they’re the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.  You shouldn’t be surrendering our sovereignty to them.  Only a trustee-mayor abomination like you would think that’s a good idea!”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” asked Alexander-Basta.

“No,” replied Watts.

Peotone Mayor Peter March said he was surprised by the arrival of the marines:

“They think they can just drop by and set up a military base without my permission.  Well, I guess they can.  I just wish they would have been polite about it and let me know first.  Now I have to rework our zoning map and hope no one notices.”

Reid Ottesen, the Palatine Village Manager said he was informed of the deployment in advance, and made arrangements to station the troops under the METRA station:

“Thanks to the New World Order, we were able to get Starbucks to move out of the station so we could use the space to tunnel under the station.  I know some residents aren’t happy about that, but they would have been unhappier with the original plan.  I’m not worried though.  Rob Sherman UFO Base will have extra protection, and the Colonial government promised to open a new coffee store to cover up the entrance to their base.  I just hope it’s safe for human consumption.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz then entered the video chat and said, “What’s going on?”

“I’m just telling this reporter that our village board is doing such a great job that all the incumbents, including you, will be unopposed in the upcoming election.”

“That’s right.  And this Fremd graduate did it without a political party or a bloated campaign fund.”

Representative Adam Kinzinger greeted troops as they arrived at Hub 35 in Rochelle:

“I’ve had to hide out here since I posted that video.  Good thing I didn’t succeed when I tried to shut down Hub 35. Kidding.  You know, Trump forgot the 12th Commandment.  Thou shalt not kill your fellow Republican!  The only bright spot is that there’s finally a notable difference between Jeanne Ives and myself.  That will help when I run for governor!”

Zlogot, an alien resident who lives in Creston, IL, is pleased that Martian Colonial troops are in Illinois:

“Trump is like a drug that makes humans forget about germ theory and suppresses their empathy.  Now I can fly my modified golf cart around and not worry about being shot at because I have a Biden bumper sticker!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base ‘Doomsday Crew’ survives receiving the Venus COVID vaccine
Lisle’s trees approve candidates for the April election
Aliens will be able to abduct Bolingbrook residents starting in May
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Flashback to 1991: The Replacements survive their final concert at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

From the Webmaster: While our staff is enjoying a socially distanced holiday week, I’m posting this article from 1991.  Don’t worry, we’ll be back next week with our Council of Psychics’ predictions for 2021.

Paul Westerberg of The Replacements plays guitar while an alien stands next to him.

Paul Westerberg (Right), the lead singer of The Replacements, greets an alien fan (Left) on stage.

By Reporter X

Controversial rock band The Replacements performed their final concert at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Despite their self-destructive tendencies, many in the audience said it was their best performance.

“It was amazing,” said Olsto Gustdo, an alien music critic from the Quad Stars Collective.  “They were sober and didn’t play any covers.  I can now regenerate knowing that I witnessed such a rare event!”

Blezod, also from the Quad Stars Collective, agreed: “(The Replacements) achieved peak alternativeness.  They were popular enough for me to hear, but not too popular that everyone knew who they were.  It is an undeniable fact that once a band becomes popular, they suck!  That is why I hope the Goo Goo Dolls never become popular.  Never heard of them?  They sound like the Replacements would if they were buried under coal and maple syrup then dumped into a cup filled with the blended remains of the New York Dolls!  Buy my zine because it’s cooler than H.E.L.P. Magazine!”

Sources inside the Department of Interstellar Affairs say Mayor Roger Claar arranged the concert to celebrate Rachel Rosenthal, the daughter of former mayor Edward Rosenthal, going off to college.  Some of the sources believe Claar wanted to make a gesture of goodwill towards his former rival.

“Roger needs to be on Ed’s good side,” said one source.  “He knows where all the bodies are buried.  Not real bodies, of course.  Anyway, Ed is the only person in Bolingbrook who could thwart Roger’s dream of being the longest-serving mayor of Bolingbrook. That’s why Roger has to make up for years of arguing with Ed when they both served on the village board.  It’s going to take more than a concert to fix their relationship.  I hear Ed is still upset over Roger complaining about the cost of replacing the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom.  Roger knew that Ed was just hiding the cost of the new missile defense system in that budget line item.”

Though the band officially broke up following their performance at this year’s Taste of Chicago, Claar had the Men in Blue bring the band’s members to Clow UFO Base.  He commanded them to do one last performance at Clow.

According to eyewitnesses, Claar said: “I don’t know the difference between The Replacements and The Ramones, but I know what I want.  I want you to give your best performance this weekend.  That crap you pulled at Heebie Jeebies? Unacceptable!”

The band members initially refused.  Bassist Tommy Stinson said he needed to recruit musicians for his new band, Bash and Pop.  Drummer Steve Foley said he was through performing Paul Westerberg’s solo material.  Guitarist Slim Dunlap said he didn’t perform at science fiction conventions: “This isn’t even a good sci-fi convention.  The costumes suck.  This venue sucks.  There’s no (expletive deleted) way I’m taking this gig seriously.  You’re lame for even asking me to perform.”

“I’m not asking you to perform,” Claar replied.  “I’m commanding you to perform!  And I’m not lame!  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and the only Mayor of Bolingbrook to be reelected.”

“Oooh!” Westerberg sarcastically replied.  “Mayor Rum and Coke got reelected.  Color me impressed.”

As Claar lectured the band about why they should be impressed, Westerberg poured rum and coke into his mouth.  He then spat it at Claar.  Claar charged at Westerberg, and the room descended into mayhem.

“I’ve never seen this side of Roger,” said an eyewitness.  “If Roger jumped into a mosh pit, everyone else would be on the floor in seconds!”

When the Men in Blue restored order, Claar issued an ultimatum to the band:

“If you don’t give me your best performance this weekend, I will have the New World Order alter your brains so all of you can never get drunk or high ever again.  Each of you will spend the rest of your lives remembering that you squandered your chance at success!  You’ll remember sabotaging your Saturday Night Live performance.  You’ll feel guilty knowing that you stole that gig from a deserving band, and no drug or drink will cover up that guilt!”

“But,” protested Westerberg, “We’ll lose our alternative cred if we do what you say.”

“Fine.  Don’t do your best!”

Westerberg sighed.  “We’ll do our best, but we’re wearing women’s clothes and make-up!”

“Whatever!  Just give me a good concert so Ed will like me!”

After days of sober rehearsals, the Replacements finally performed in front of Claar, the Rosenthal family, and several thousand others.  The band started off their set with the song “Talent Show”, then proceeded to do solid performances through to the first encore.  The Rosenthal family and Claar seemed pleased.

However, the tone changed at the start of the band’s second encore:

“This song is dedicated to Mayor Rum and Coke,” said Westerberg.

The Replacements then performed “Waitress in the Sky.”  Claar flipped off the band from his skybox.

“Oh my god!” said the youngest Rosenthal daughter over the PA system. (Due to an agreement with the Rosenthal family, the Babbler will not print her name.)  “That’s so sexist!  You guys are just as bad as Guns N’ Roses.”

Westerberg started to say that his sister is a flight attendant, but Stinson then shouted unprintable remarks about Guns N’ Roses and the youngest Rosenthal.

Former Mayor Rosenthal stepped up to the microphone.  “Execute him,” he said.  The entire auditorium fell silent.

“Just kidding,” Rosenthal replied.  “I no longer control the Men in Blue.  But since you find the idea of working for Guns N’ Roses so appalling, I know people who can force you to join them.”

“Yeah,” added the youngest daughter.  “When Axl Rose is your boss, you’ll wish you were dead!”

The band ended the concert by performing “Anywhere’s Better Than Here.”  When the band left the stage, the Men in Blue erased each member’s memories of being at Clow UFO Base, then sent them back to Minneapolis.

Michael Lawler, an IT consultant for Clow UFO Base, loved the performance.  “Clow rocks!  Roger rocks!  I wish I could rock half as hard as Roger does!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Replacements?  I wish the Babbler would replace you with a reporter who doesn’t call me at 2 AM!”

Rachel Rosenthal said she appreciated the effort Claar put into organizing the concert.  However, she said: “He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d just booked Material Issue instead.  They’re a Chicagoland band, and they always put on a good show.”

Also in the Babbler (1991)

‘World Wide Web’ could entangle Bolingbrook
Aliens beg Sen. Gore to focus on climate change instead of music lyrics
Mayor Claar promises the village will be debt-free by 2001
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/7/91

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.