By Reporter X
Democratic State Representative candidates for District 51, Chelsea Laliberte-Barnes and Nabeela Syed, debated covert and public issues during their debate at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. The debate, sponsored by Sherman’s unions and broadcast live throughout the solar system, showed a clear contrast between the two candidates.
Syed’s opening remarks, which mentioned working with Emily’s List and other progressive groups, ended with her singing “Gloop, Gloop, Gloop,” and doing a short dance.
“What was that?” asked Barnes.
“It’s the hottest trend on interplanetary TikTok,” Syed replied. “Some residents working on Triton said they’d vote me if I did it during the debate. I love connecting with the residents of the 51st, even if they are working off-world. You’d know this if you spent more time canvassing instead of fundraising.”
Barnes replied, “Well if a certain candidate hadn’t raised close to $200,000, and wasn’t constrained by a family, I wouldn’t have to hold fundraisers.”
“Well, because of my community and political work, so many individuals were willing to donate to my campaign. They don’t want someone who will work with racist Republicans. They want someone who will work for the residents of this district.”
Later, Barnes, a social worker, highlighted her efforts to fight drug addiction and provide mental health support.
“These causes mean so much to me. That is why I’m willing to reach a consensus with the fascist anti-women Republican party if it will help the residents of our district. Of course, if our visitors decided to share their advanced medical knowledge, I wouldn’t have to make deals with the elephant worshiping death cult.”
Syed responded by claiming to be uniquely qualified to deal with the Interstellar Commonwealth: “I have been practicing interfaith dialogue for years, and interstellar dialogue isn’t that different. Some of the Commonwealth’s leaders question if intelligent life exists in our district. I can point to Fremd High School and Harper College, and confidently say there is intelligent life in our district.” Syed then said: “And this is for my new friends who work on Pluto.” She held up a sign that read, “Dwarf planets are planets,” and then did a short dance. “More votes for me.”
Barnes said she could “play the meme game too,” and sang part of “Baby Shark.”
“Now how many votes did I win?”
“I think you lost some.”
After the debate, supporters of both candidates presented their spins for the interplanetary press.
“Nabeela Syed nailed it,” said Representative Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Future leaders like her are inspiring my campaign for Senate.”
“House,” said his wife, Priya Krishnamoorthi.”
“House. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.”
Senator Dick Durbin said: “Chelsea will kick this state’s addiction to politics as usual. Wait a minute, I think I have the wrong sheet.”
Lisa Z. Parker, spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base’s unions, said she was pleased with the debate, but there were no plans for an endorsement:
“Both are good candidates and would support Sherman UFO Base. We’ll let our members decide which candidate is right for them.” She then added:. “If Rob Sherman were alive today, I’m sure he would have filed a frivolous lawsuit to restrict Nabeela from entering the base because she wears a headscarf. I’m happy to say that we’ve come a long way, baby.”
Also in the Babbler:
Alien arrested for displaying blaster at Lions Carnival
Elon Musk to visit Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary diverts covert funds to lower garbage fee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.
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