DuPage Township Trustee Oliver defects to New World Order (Fiction)

During a secret executive session of the DuPage Township Board, Trustee Maripat Oliver announced that she is leaving the Illuminati, and joining the New World Order.

“It was fun being a Knight of Chaos for the Illuminati,” said Oliver.  “It reminded me of my younger days.  Of course, I was also on the wrong path back then.  Now, I think creating global chaos is the wrong path.  So I offer my apologies to the NWO, and I hope they will accept me into their ranks.”

Supervisor William Mayer, a member of the NWO, accepted Oliver’s defection. He then blamed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the turmoil in the Township:  “Years ago, Roger said I had to join the New World Order if I wanted to hold any leadership positions in Bolingbrook.  I did and things worked out.  When Roger defected to the Illuminati, he ordered me to defect.  I saw no reason to.  I like it when things are in order.  (Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning) gave me a warning back in January, and I still said no.  We’ve said a lot of things, skipped meetings, gotten sued by a staff member, and are now being torn apart by a secret war.  Let’s move forward, and set aside secret society politics — so that we can get back to the job of caring for elderly Republican voters, and helping people in general.”

Trustee Alyssia Benford, who is running for the Illinois House of Representatives, laughed:  “My fellow knight (Trustee Dennis Raga) and I laugh at your pathetic speech.  Roger is Bolingbrook.  When Roger told me to run for this board, I ran.  When Roger told me to join the Illuminati, I did.  When Roger told me to become a Knight of Chaos, I did.  When he told me to run for the State House, I did.  After the election is suspended, I will be appointed to the State House, and you will burn in the fires of chaos I will ignite.  Bill, you used this township to build your power.  I used this township as a ladder, and I am now burning that ladder so no one can follow me.”

Raga added, “We will be the greatest Knights of Chaos in the history of the Illuminati.  We know the true power of booze, boobs, EDM!  Booze, Boobs, EDM!”

“Enough!”  complained Trustee Ken Burgess.  “Why couldn’t the seniors take me on their trip?, After all I’ve done for them, the least they could do is to rescue me from all of you?  We were once an award-winning slate.  Now, look at us!”

“It’s not too late to be saved,” Benford said to Burgess.  “Swear loyalty to the Illuminati, and I will write an article in the Will County Gazette exonerating you.  If you don’t, either my followers will drop pumpkins on you, or the Edgar County Watchdogs will arrest you.  Ford!”

“It’s pronounced ‘Fnord,’” said Mayer. “Even I know that.”

“Roger told me to pronounce it ‘Ford,’” said Benford.  “Anyway, can we get this meeting over with?  All of you are boring me and wasting my time.  Roger says I’m destined for greatness!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republicans stunned as Democratic congressional candidate Sean Casten vows to lower property taxes
Mayor Claar rules that zombies must pay local property taxes
Ghost whispers ‘wallpaper’ after visitors use Mayor Claar’s bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/18

Reminder: Foundation Beyond Belief is raising funds for Hurricane relief (Non-fiction)

Just a reminder that the humanist charity, Foundation Beyond Belief, is still raising funds for hurricane relief, including for the victims of Hurricane Michael.

Funds will be used for HDR beneficiary grants and/or for the Humanist Disaster Recovery (HDR) program in order to enable volunteer deployments in hurricane-affected areas. As always, FBB’s goal is to maximize donated dollars to be as effective as possible, and potential grantees undergo a thorough vetting process to ensure they are secular, efficient, and fiscally sound.

A little bit more about FBB:

Foundation Beyond Belief is a humanist charity that promotes secular volunteering and responsible charitable giving. Guided by the principles of secular humanism, our mission is to:

  • Unite the humanist community in volunteering and charitable efforts.
  • Advocate for compassionate action throughout the world.

We forward our mission through these programs:

  • Grants: providing an avenue for humanists to regularly give to highly qualified and vetted charities in a number of cause areas.
  • Disaster Recovery: providing humanists an avenue to donate to a qualified and vetted charity in the event of a disaster and sending volunteers out to help rebuild after a disaster strikes.
  • Service Corps: An international volunteering program supporting and strengthening local, well-established nonprofits to improve lives.
  • Volunteer Network: supporting secular groups in doing service activities in their local communities with our Beyond Belief Network.

In short, Foundation Beyond Belief is humanity at work.

I appreciate the work that they do, and it is nice to see that there is more to secular activism than filing lawsuits and putting up billboards.

 

Guest Opinion: DuPage Township Democrats say vote no on the Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion submitted by the DuPage Township Democrats and does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of the Babbler’s staff.

"Vote No! "$14 Million Park District tax increase.

The DuPage Township Democrats urge Bolingbrook residents to vote against the Park Board referendum.

On September 19 the DuPage Township Democrats discussed the upcoming Nov. 6th Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum that will increase our property taxes.  DuPage Township Democrats voted unanimously to VOTE NO on the upcoming ballot measure.

Capital Bond Issues should be reserved for new operational needs, not maintenance.

  • Capital Bond issues should be reserved for new operational projects, not maintenance.
  • Below is a list of additional reasons that we do not and cannot support this addition to our property tax:
    Poor fiscal management and prioritizing.   Ex. Paying out over $500,000 in legal fees over 4 years to fight a union covering 48 landscape employees. This “Union Busting” money should have been used for playground maintenance or improvements they want.
  • One of the projects is improving the BRAC entrance. The BRAC entrance does not need renovating. It is functional and clean. 
  • The center island of the lazy river at BRAC does not need new pavilions. This is only an excuse to have new areas to rent out for special events. The taxpayers have to pay to build them, then pay to use them.
  • Even though the taxpayers of Bolingbrook paid to build the BRAC and thru property taxes pay for the operation of BRAC, there is not one venue or activity they can use or participate in without paying fees.
  • Bolingbrook has only one public pool to serve over 76,000 residents and the thousands of non-residents that use the pool. Yet their priority is activities that require more and higher fees.  The priority should be more FREE aquatic services for the village. Votes
  • The Park District has shown, as too many taxing bodies do, the desire to spend more and more taxpayer dollars, but not the need to spend more.

When there is an opportunity for taxpayers to have their taxes drop, our taxing bodies should welcome that opportunity.

Three weredeer and a wereskunk arrested following an incident at Regal Bolingbrook Stadium 12 (Fiction)

Content notice: This post deals with the Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  If you are dealing with issues related to sexual assault, you may wish to visit RAINN.

File photo of a weredeer.

An alleged fight between several wereskunks and weredeer last Friday ended in the evacuation of Regal Bolingbrook Stadium theaters.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested three weredeer, and a wereskunk after the incident and released the other creatures.

Most eyewitnesses agree that someone pulled a fire alarm, and staff members evacuated the theater.  Many attendees say they say they saw nothing unusual during the evacuation. Staff members who spoke anonymously said they were instructed not to look at security monitors, or to use the rear entrances.  

Two witnesses, however, claim to have seen a brawl between a group of weredeer and a group of wereskunks.

“I was about to fall asleep during Peppermint when the doors by the screen flew open,” said Beth, who did not wish to reveal her last name.  “These tall weredeer staggered into our theater.  They were chanting, ‘We love beer!  We love Kavanaugh!’”

According to Beth and her friend Blake, several wereskunks transformed into their half-human, half-skunk form and approached the weredeer.  

“The weredeer accused the wereskunks of ‘hogging’ women,” said Blake.  “At first I was terrified.  Then one of the weredeer said he was the new Buck of Bolingbrook.  I guess that’s an important leader or something like that.  I don’t know.”

Both Beth and Blake agree that the Buck said he was leading the feral weredeer out of the woods and back into Bolingbrook.  The Buck then actually said that feral weredeer had the first choice of all the women in Bolingbrook.  According to the Buck, the appointment of Kavanaugh meant that the agreement between the feral weredeer and the Bolingbrook Jaycees was void.  The agreement states that weredeer who refuse to abide by human dating and relationship norms should move to the wilderness and only mate with deer.  Weredeer can only produce offspring if they have sex with a human or deer.

“I was so disgusted to hear that weredeer say that if human females didn’t want to mate with weredeer, they shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook,” said Beth.  “I am not a sex object!  I am a person.  They made a bad week even worse.”

“The wereskunks stood up for humanity,” said Blake.  “They said all mating should be consensual.  Maybe skunks aren’t so bad after all.  I just wish they’d leave our garbage alone, or pay for our garbage bins.”

Both witnesses say that after several minutes, someone set off a fire alarm.  Then a wereskunk charged into the room, and all the shapeshifters started fighting each other.  During the brawl, Beth and Blake escaped the theater.  Tactical officers from the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The officers stormed the theater, while Beth and Blake were taken to a safe location.  They agreed not to tell the mainstream media what happened or post on social media about the incident.

“They haven’t talked to us since then,” said Beth.  “Why should I be surprised?  We can’t hurt the reputation of a very important weredeer, right?  Seriously, I love Bolingbrook, but I hate (expletive deleted) weredeer.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “The US Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over paranormal affairs in Bolingbrook.  The Illuminati does.  The village and the Illuminati will continue to enforce the Jaycee Accords.  Any weredeer found violating the accords will either be escorted out of Bolingbrook or put down.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It looks so real, Charlene.”

“Yes, and we can make it say whatever we want.”

After some keyboard clicks, a male voice said, “I met Mayor Roger Claar.  He’s right, and his foes are stupid liars!”

Charlene continued:  “It’s the same technology they used to create that fake Obama video.”

“Incredible,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

“Igor says they are working on the way to integrate this imaging technology with their prototype bots.  By 2020, these bots should be able to create their own social media videos.  Imagine bots that can post videos seconds after a major political event.  Oh!  One of them just finished scanning all the posts in Bolingbrook Politics. Let’s see what kind of video it produced.”

A keyboard clicked, and the male voice spoke again:  “Village spending annoys me.  Debt scares me.  Taxes enrage me.  I can do a better job than our current elected officials.  Roger Claar is the best corrupt mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!  Let’s argue!”

“Needs work,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Russians hijack the DuPage Township website
Claar confirms that the Interstellar Commonwealth does not owe any taxes
Clow UFO Base no longer requires visitors to buy Trump branded human suits
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/18

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Are you registered? (Non-fiction)

Edit:  Now I find out tomorrow is National Voter Registration Day.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this is going to be one of the most critical US elections in my lifetime.  Are we going to have a Congress that will thoroughly investigate the Trump administration or one that will cover for him?  Will we have officials that will support secular government or officials that will push for Christian theocracy?    Do we want officials who will push for better voter access or voter suppression?

It’s not enough to complain about the current state of affairs.  We also have to vote.  So I encourage to all my readers to check to make sure they are registered and to check every month to make sure you’re still registered to vote.  Especially in states that are actively trying to purge their voter rolls.  Also to guard against hackers tampering with your information.  If you haven’t registered, you can get started here. 

I’m recovering from surgery.  So the regular stories should resume on Thursday.

Web Exclusive: Androids and werecats clash during the IL06 Congressional campaign (Fiction)

Are werecats in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District supporting Democratic candidate Sean Casten?  Does Republican incumbent Peter Roskam have a small army of androids? Some constituents say yes.

File photo of a suspected werecat.

Christine, who asked that we not use her last name or her hometown, said androids placed a Roskam sign on her front yard:  “I told them there must have been some kind of mistake.  I said I wasn’t a Roskam supporter.  Guns popped out from the back of one them.  It aimed them at me and said, ‘Now you are.’”

Christine called the Roskam campaign. After objecting five times, a human staffer took the sign away.

“He said I couldn’t tell the fake news about this.  Well, the Babbler is real news, so I don’t think he meant to exclude you guys.”

Peter, who lives in Barrington, claims he saw a werecat supporter of Casten.  According to Peter, the werecat peed on his Casten yard sign.  When Peter complained, the werecat changed into a human:  “After I got over my shock, she said, ‘Don’t worry.  I’m just marking the sign so Roskam’s machines won’t bother it.’  She talked about how much she loved Sean and that she was finally glad that an independent thinking scientist and businessman was running for Congress.  Then she said Peter believes the voters of his district are pack animals, and the werecats were going to let their voices be heard during this election.  If Sean can inspire werecats to support him, imagine what he can inspire our Congress to do?”

Julie, a resident of Elgin, claims to have seen werecats and androids while driving late at night:  “I saw these giant half human, half cat, creatures running beside a truck with robots attacking them. It turns out the truck had Casten yard signs, and the robots were trying to destroy the signs.  I swear I recorded it on my phone, but the video vanished when I tried to upload it to YouTube.  Maybe this is why there are so few Bigfoot and UFO videos online.  YouTube is secretly banning the real videos!”

A volunteer for the Roskam campaign denied that Roskam had an army of androids:  “That’s not true.  Let me get my notes.  I think there’s a special list of talking points for your paper.  I can’t just call you ‘fake news.’”

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam said: “So while Sean was trying to bore me to death, I looked at his file.  His donation record was pitiful.  He honestly expected me to listen to his lecture for free.  So I walked out of the meeting.”

“How rude,” said another man.

“Yes.  He doesn’t even know the right way to shuffle notes during a debate.  Anyway, who are you representing today?”

“Today I am representing the Society of Recovery Audit Contractors.  Every day we protect Medicare from orthotists and prosthetists who want to be paid for their devices.”

“They’re cutting Medicare for me.  I like your client already.”

“I also brought you a gift worth less than $5.”

“Which you wrapped in money!  Impressive.”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign denied that werecats were helping the campaign:  “Not true, and Sean is in a meeting.  You can’t talk to him.”

In the background, a man who sounded like State House Speaker Michael Madigan said: “You didn’t ask for my permission to run, now you want my help?”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “I’m running for Congress, not the state house.  I don’t need your permission to run.  You’re welcome to help me if you want, but you don’t have to and I’m not asking for your help.”

“Damnit!  That’s not how this works.  Let me ask you again.  Why should I support you?  I’m tempted to endorse Peter Roskam because his tax plan imposes a federal tax on Illinois taxes.  That’s genius!  So give me some good reasons why I should support you instead?”

“You should support me because I won the Democratic Primary.”

“Not good enough.”

“Fine.  Some scientists say we are dangerously close to the Earth becoming a hothouse.  I will fight to prevent that.  Peter Roskam won’t.”

“So?”

“So it means our environment won’t be able to sustain our economy and our civilization.  It means no more Chicago, no more Cook County Democratic Party, no more Illinois Democrat party, no more Illinois, and an end to your political dynasty.  I won’t play your games, but I will fight to create a sustainable environment where Lisa’s grandchildren have the opportunity to continue your legacy.  I think Peter Roskam wants to destroy the environment to spite you and to win Donald Trump’s favor.”

After several seconds of silence, someone dialed a phone number.  The man who sounded like Michael Madigan said, “Release the endorsement flyers.”

Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18

Bolingbrook United announces their 2019 candidates (Non-fiction)

The following is a press release from the Bolingbrook United Party.

Two years ago, a small group of residents met to discuss local issues, government waste and the need for the Village of Bolingbrook to end its history of political elitism which forbids individuals from any real participation in local government and promoted pay to play politics. In addition to their concern over the notable shortfalls of local government, they wanted to further prosperity within the community as a whole, not just for the well connected. As a result of that meeting the Bolingbrook United political party was formed and its first candidate, Bob Jaskiewicz was later elected to the village board in April of 2017.

Despite being outspent by their opponents by more than a 2 to 1 margin and existing for only a few months before the 2017 election, Bolingbrook United came within less than 1⁄2 of 1% of the votes needed to also win the contest for mayor, village clerk, and another village trustee position. This strong showing from what was a grassroots effort confirmed that village residents are no longer satisfied by the status quo.

Since the 2017 municipal election, Bolingbrook United has continued to grow in its membership, visibility, and leadership in Bolingbrook. As Bolingbrook United looks towards the 2019 municipal election, on the evening of September 12, 2019, the group announced its intended slate of candidates for a range of local governmental bodies. Those candidates and some basic information about each are found at the bottom of this press release.

Over the coming weeks and months, Bolingbrook United’s candidates will start gathering petitions for signatures to appear on the ballot and hosting various campaign events between now and election day, April 2, 2019.

To join Bolingbrook United’s efforts, become a volunteer, help collect signatures or for additional information please contact the party through any of its candidates or Joe Giamanco via joe@glawpartners.com. Be sure to “like” the Bolingbrook United Facebook page at www.facebook.com/bolingbrookunited to follow the campaign.

Candidates for Village Trustee:

Ajaz Gill – a 30 year resident of Bolingbrook, Ajaz was born in Pakistan where he met his wife Rizwana and started his own business. Ajaz moved to Bolingbrook in 1989 and started Midwest Draperies in 1990. Ajaz and his wife are the parents of three sons, all who received their education within the Valley View 365U School System. He leads his life by his core values of hard work, respect, and loyalty. He is an active member in the local Mosque and considered a leader by the congregation. Ajaz joined Bolingbrook United because he recognized the group’s ability and desire to unite us all in the party’s support for a common cause for equality, regardless of gender, race, faith and it celebrated that which makes us all a unique, the fabric of this diverse country. Ajaz believes that the skills that he has learned as a business owner and as a leader at the Mosque, will allow him to work on issues key to Bolingbrook and what is best for its residents.

Jaime Olson – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook, the mother to two fabulous children and is married to Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco. Jaime moved to Bolingbrook in 2006 to laydown roots and start a family. Jaime graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in history (with honors) and political science and received her Juris Doctor from DePaul University College of Law in 2002. Jaime has worked as an administrative law judge, attorney, a manager and a specialist in labor and employee relations. Jaime currently serves as the Labor Relations Officer for the General Services Administration in Chicago. Since moving to Bolingbrook, Jaime has been active in the community, serving as a Girl Scout leader, a soccer coach with the Bolingbrook Soccer club, the vice president of the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County, and member of the marketing committee for local charity Power Connection. Jaime has also been involved in and assisted with PTA, Bolingbrook Pride, and her neighborhood Home Owners Association and provided free legal assistance to our community during Lawyers in the Library inaugural event. She is also the founder and primary contributor to the Facebook group “Bolingbrook Events”. Jaime wants to help make our community better and ensure that our children are not saddled with the debt created by the current administration. Jaime believes her desire to help others, as well as her work and civic experience, have provided her with the knowledge and experience necessary to be a good Trustee.

Terri Ransom – A 19-year resident of Bolingbrook, Terri is the newly appointed DuPage Township Democrat’s Precinct Captain for Precinct 31, current Board
more than 25 years of Information Technology experience in the financial industry, most recently in Cyber Security. She is the member of the Black History Awareness Club, council member for the Naperville Boys and Girls Club, and volunteer for Moms Demand Action. She is also the former business owner of Computertots and Computer Explorers, past treasurer of Panther Sports Club, and a former Girl
Scout troop leader. Terri is married to Michael, and they have two children — a college freshman and a recent college graduate. Terri is running for Village Trustee for the same reasons she ran in
2017, to stand up and fight for Bolingbrook and deliver prosperity for all by returning the power
back to the residents.

Candidates for Valley View 365U School Board:

Sandra Carlson – Sandra, a 23-year resident of Bolingbrook, was born in Chicago and has lived in five different communities in Illinois. She moved to Bolingbrook when her husband Paul accepted the call to be the pastor at New Life Lutheran Church. The Carlson’s brought three sons and a dog with them to Bolingbrook. The family has grown and now includes three fabulous daughters in law and two grandchildren, AJ and Hope. Sandra is a licensed clinical professional counselor. She earned a master’s degree in counseling from Northern Illinois University in 1994. She earned her Ed.D in counseling in 2010 from NIU. Since the year 2000, Sandra has operated a counseling practice in Bolingbrook and has been privileged to serve the community ever since. Sandra’s love of children makes her a passionate advocate for quality education and as a mental health counselor, she understands the challenges our children face in the 21st century. She believes that schools are crucial to the health and wellbeing of children, and the communities they live in. Sandra wants to serve on the school board as she believes that education saves lives, as it saved hers.

Charlotte Droogan – a 54-year resident of Bolingbrook, Charlotte is essentially a founding citizen as she’s lived here longer than Bolingbrook has even existed as a legal entity. Charlotte has a master’s in counseling and is a retired third-grade teacher who served the families of the Valley View School District for thirty years. After retirement, she continued the job she loved as a substitute teacher for another ten years. Her love for kids and the people who teach them inspired Charlotte to run for the school board. Her background in teaching and as a longtime resident of the community make her uniquely qualified for the position. Charlotte wants to enhance the programs we already have for our students and brings to the table new ideas about how to further enrich the lives of children through education.

Mustafa Syed – a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, Mustafa has been married for 25 years and has two children. He has a master’s in business administration and bachelors in commerce. He has more than 15 years of experience in Information Technology (IT) in software development, testing, and implementation. Presently working as IT consultant and Project Manager. Mustafa has extensively traveled the world and is an avid follower of world politics. His interest includes reading gardening, interiors, sports and community involvement. He believes that schools have a very strong and direct impact every resident of Bolingbrook village, including those without children as school ratings affect home values, not just the lives of our children. Mustafa wants to work towards improving Valley View 365U’s overall ratings to benefit not only our children but also taxpayers and homeowners.

Fountaindale Library Board of Trustees

Otis Gatlin – is a 13-year resident of Bolingbrook grew up in Chicago and graduated from Lane Tech College Prep. Otis has 3 kids, 2 daughters, and 1 son. Otis works for Chase Bank as a mortgage underwriter and attended college at Wilbur Wright College. His hobbies include reading, traveling and watching the NBA and NFL. Otis is running for Library Board because he wants to make the Library more transparent and accessible to all Bolingbrook citizens. As a resident Otis has attended several Library Board meetings and has been disappointed to see some board members repeatedly fail to regularly attend meetings or arrive on time and believes this is a disservice to our residents.

Ryan Harter – is an 8-year resident of Bolingbrook. Ryan and his wife, Sara, moved to Bolingbrook in 2011; their son, Milo, was born in 2017. Ryan is part of a small mobile app business and enjoys sharing his expertise with the community by supporting local tech events. He’s always enjoyed being a part of the community and wants to do his part to contribute to the wonderful resource that is the Fountaindale Library. Until moving to Bolingbrook Ryan wasn’t fully aware of everything that a library could be. He believes that the library is more than a collection of books and movies, it serves an important role as a place to gather, share ideas, and learn. Because of this, as a trustee, Ryan’s goal is to raise awareness for our incredible library and everything it has to offer.

Deb Savage – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook with a bachelor’s & masters in nursing & administration. Currently, she serves the community as an elected Will Co Regional School Board Trustee. She is a member of Chamberlain University’s national library & information resources committee and is the former head of the library committee on the Addison campus. Deb wants more residents in Bolingbrook to know all of the terrific resources the library has and how to access them. She wants to expand library resources, services, and events; and to ensure taxpayer dollars are being used wisely and that library decisions are evidence-based in the best interest for all Bolingbrook residents.

Park District Board

Saud Gazanfer – is a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, is married to Subuhi Humera, a physician at Advocate Good Smartian Hospital, and has two children. A self-described techie, entrepreneur, environmentalist, and coffee lover, Saud is currently employed as a Senior Software Engineer. Saud is running for Park District Board as he wants to modernize the existing park district infrastructure as well as promote fiscal responsibility by cutting the losses from loss generating programs. He wants to market the facilities aggressively by increasing the social media footprint to generate business and resident usage as well as reaching out to more communities with the park district facilities to ensure maximum participation of residents. In addition, Saud wants to encourage and promote more family and senior citizen programs and special programs for physically challenged residents.
For more information about this press release contact: Joe Giamanco of Bolingbrook United, at 773-354-8909 or joe@glawpartners.com.