Rep. Tulsi Gabbard takes down Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard used a two-finger takedown to push Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar to the ground during an Illuminati gathering.

“The word is ‘Fnord,’ civilian,” said Gabbard as Claar moved away from her.  “Not ‘Ford!’”

File photo of Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard.

“The ‘N’ is silent!” countered Claar.

“It is not.  You are disrespecting our sacred order and showing insubordination to an Illuminated Knight of higher standing.  Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry I—”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I’m sorry…Ma’am.”

Claar, through a spokesperson, stressed that he was not harmed, and has forgiven her.

“Tulsi is still Roger’s favorite Fox News Democrat,” said the spokesperson.  “He is not going to let a slight difference of opinion get in the way of his desire to destroy the New World Order, and run Bolingbrook without interference from state or national government.”

An Illinois Illuminati official, who asked not to be identified, said that while Gabbard was still upset over Claar’s pronunciation of “Fnord,” she was going to move on:

“She has to focus on how she’s going to spin her Independent bid to be President after telling the public she wouldn’t run as an independent if she didn’t get the Democratic nomination.  She doesn’t have time to worry about a suburban Illinois mayor’s inability to say, ‘Fnord.’”

Gabbard was at the Bolingbrook Golf Club for a ceremony honoring her lifelong commitment to the Illuminati.  Before the incident, Claar performed the Illuminati’s Sacred Glowing Orb Ritual with her, then said a few words.

“She’s a real fighter,” said Claar.  “Literally.  She still serves in the military.  But I’m really impressed by how she keeps fighting.  She has no paid staff in Iowa and is only polling at 1% nationwide.  Most people would have quit before for the first debate, but not Tulsi.”

Claar added that the Illuminati will pull Gabbard from the Democratic Primary, due to Sen. Bernie Sander’s defection to the Illuminati earlier this year.

“I just want to say that that I enjoyed watching the Democratic Primary on Tulsi time.  Why aren’t you guys laughing?”

Gabbard thanked Claar and the gathered dignitaries. She briefly talked about how her father had raised her to be a member of the Illuminati.

“My father tried to infiltrate the Republican Party in Hawaii, but then he realized that was a waste of time.  I learned that if I wanted to help our order, I needed to learn how to blend in with the Democrats.  Not only do I blend in, but I appeal to both the far right and the far left!”

Gabbard then turned her attention towards Hillary Clinton:

“I stand by my statements about her.  She is the embodiment of the wicked, corrupt system created by the New World Order.  I want to destroy her…In a debate of course.  She’s mistaken when she says I am a Russian asset.  (President Vladimir) Putin is my asset.  I am a loyal knight of the Illuminati.  I will fight until all nations are destroyed, and I can become the queen of Hawaii.  I will tear down those telescopes, and tell my people what they want!  I will say aloha to the our illuminated future.  Fnord!”

While the crowd chanted “Fnord,” Claar, according to eyewitnesses, chanted “Ford,” which lead to the incident.

Gabbard could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like Claar, said: “What are you watching?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m watching a live stream of a rap battle between (DuPage Township Trustee) Maripat Oliver and (DuPage Township Trustee) Alyssia Benford on The Will County Young Republicans’ secret YouTube Page.”

“Oh my God!  Is it—”

“Yes.  All Alyssia has to do is say a couple rhymes and she wins.  Here we go.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “I’m calling the question!  I’m calling the question.”

“Can you do that in a rap battle?” asked Claar.

“Nope,” replied Spencer.

A woman who sounded like Oliver,  said: “You sound like an old school hack/And your rhymes are really wack/Time for you to face the fact/That Maripat is where it’s at.”

Also in the Babbler:

DuPage Township critics should be forced into counseling says a trustee
Bolingbrook to require underground homes by 2052
Mayor Claar warns residents not to eat chili made by ‘fake residents’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives to sponsor ‘Casten you to Hell’ house (Fiction)

Republican Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives will run a “Hell House” this month focused on Representative Sean Casten.

A picture of Rep. Sean Casten pointing towards the Gates of Hell.

Will the Ives campaign run a Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house?

“Sean Casten scares us,” said Beth, a member of Ives’s campaign staff. “We think the voters in the Sixth Congressional District should be scared of the evil they unleashed upon Congress!”

Similar to the Hell House proposed by Representative Peter Roskam’s 2018 campaign, it will depict Casten as a “Socialist CEO Demon” working for succubus House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.The Hell House will open the week after before Halloween at a yet to be disclosed location in Wheaton.

Blake, a former Roskam operative who now works for Ives, has high hopes for this Hell House:

“If we had run this Hell House, Peter would still be in office. They weren’t scared enough of Sean, and that’s why Peter lost. Since Jeanne isn’t burdened with the “moderate” label, we’ll have more creative freedom with this house.”

Blake also added, “This time, I’m going to dress up as (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan). Peter vetoed that idea last time. Jeanne is all on board! We can’t scare people enough!”

Blake also says the Hell House will include:

  • Casten campaign volunteers “impeaching” residents for supporting President Donald Trump.
  • Republicans being crushed by a giant carbon foot.
  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez torturing residents into signing the Green New Deal.
  • Casten performing with a demon rock band.
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar forcing Christians to convert to Islam.
  • IL06 Republican candidate Jay Kinzler kneeling before an angelic Ives.

Beth denied that the Hell House would contribute to Ives’ reputation as an extreme conservative:

“The only thing that happens in the middle of the road is you get run over.We’re not going to win this by appeasing Democrats. We’re going to win this by moving the Overton Window so far to the right that the only acceptable viewpoints are between only voting for Trump and willing to start a civil war for Trump. When that happens, Sean will be seen as an extremist, and Ives will be seen as a reasonable God-loving American!”

A member of Casten’s campaign laughed at the idea of a Casten themed Hell House:The Republicans can call Sean names all they want. The residents of the Sixth District know the real Sean Casten because he campaigns in the district, holds Town Halls, and is very accessible. Unlike a certain former congressman—”

A woman then said: “You’re not talking to that weird suburban tabloid, are you?”

“Um, Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some petitions signed!”

A receptionist for the Ives campaign said she was meeting with representatives from the Illinois Policy Institute and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Ives, said: “I will use my power as a Congresswoman to force Illinois into bankruptcy.”

“Yes!” yelled a man.

“Then I will split up Illinois among its neighboring states.”

“Oh yes!”

“I will then force Canada to take Chicago. The US will be rid of that corrupt city forever!”

The man moaned. “Oh Jeanne. You give good policy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County to increase UFO landing fees
Alien charged with robbing Bolingbrook Home Depot
Palatine UFO Base reports heavy traffic during the High Holidays
Trump considering ordering Mayor Claar to close Clow UFO Base

This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the Space Pope (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano formally apologized to Space Pope Lacoxo MMXI for dressing up like him and posing for a picture.

“I’m sorry his Holiness was offended by my attempt to celebrate religious diversity at Clow UFO Base,” said Carpanzano.

“Insulting me is a very expensive indulgence,” replied the Space Pope.  “Fortunately, I have very reasonable payment plans.”

“I will pay for him”, said Mayor Roger Claar.  “Now let’s pretend this didn’t happen.”

The incident occurred during Clow UFO Base’s “Faith in the Galaxy Festival.”  During the event, the Space Pope confronted Carpanzano about the picture.  The Space Pope explained that it was offensive to him.

“Why?” asked Carpanzano.  “I’m a positive person and I didn’t mean any offense.  Therefore you can’t be offended by what I wore.  You should feel honored.”

“Blasphemy does not honor me!” yelled the Space Pope.  The Space Pope then listed 100 dress code violations with Carpanzano’s outfit.  Notably that most of the crucifixes were upside down, and his hat was the wrong color for this section of the solar system.

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano.

Carpanzano was unmoved.  “I’m married and have a family.  That means I can wear anything I want and you can’t be offended!”

Before the Space Pope could declare Carpanzano a heretic, Claar arrived and asked to speak with Carpanzano.  According to unnamed sources, Claar called Carpanzano “positively clueless” because his actions endangered Bolingbrook.  He explained that the Universal Catholic Church has its own military and a history of invading planets to forcibly convert the inhabitants:

“I don’t care if you like to dress up.  Just don’t offend one of the most powerful religious organizations in the galaxy!  Pick on weaker cultures, instead.  They can’t harm us.”

After his meeting, Carpanzano said he was going to move on from this incident:

“I know Muslims, and Jaime Olson has lost three elections.  Therefore it’s okay for me to dress up like a modern Egyptian!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Hundreds arrested during the Clow UFO Base climate strike (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base’s security ruthlessly shut down a Climate Strike demonstration minutes after it started.  Over 100 aliens were arrested, along with 12 humans and 4 androids.  Over 100 beings were treated for injuries, but none were life-threatening.

“Let me make this clear,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “You can say what you want about Earth’s climate, but you cannot go on strike at my UFO Base!”

Anonymous officials claim that the organizers planned to block all the landing bays at Clow until Earth’s governments agreed to a geoengineering program to reverse global warming. 

“Clow would be out of business before any government would consider it,” said one anonymous official.

Organizers denied that the “Climate Strike” was an actual strike.

“It was a demonstration,” said Glowdia Padakolaka, a visitor from Tabby’s Star.  “Just because we called it a strike, doesn’t mean it is a strike.  We just meant that we think Earth’s governments should strike a blow against the forces changing the climate before they make Earth uninhabitable for humanity.  We didn’t deserve to be pepper sprayed for saying that.”

One of the humans injured was Rachel Ventura, Democratic candidate for the Illinois 11th Congressional District:  “Yeah it sucked getting sprayed with acid, but the doctors here fixed my skin for free.  What really sucks is being represented by Congressman Bill Foster!  He won’t support the Green New Deal.  As your Congresswoman, I will say this to the spineless Democrats in charge:  Give humanity the Green New Deal or give humanity death!  No other ideas are worth considering.  Like switching to nuclear power?  Hell no!  I won’t glow, Bill.”

Foster replied in an email, “(Representative Sean Casten) and I feel there are other options besides the Green New Deal.  At least Rachel and I are debating how to fight climate change.  Whoever Roger drafts to run against me will probably deny the problem.  I say keep the Sci Bros in Congress!”

Ventura was quested by Claar then released.  Sources say she was released because she, along with Claar, are members of the Illuminati.

Padakolaka said the organizers’ next goal is to secure the release of  Clow’s “climate prisoners.”  She also hopes to meet with Claar and explain the importance of combating climate change.

“Climate change is the great filter,” said Padakolaka.  “Too many civilizations reach this stage and perish because they’re not willing to make the necessary changes to protect their planet.  When an economic system favors extinction over preservation, that system must change.  Economies must serve their beings.  Beings must not serve the economy.  Civilizations that learn this lesson reach the stars.  I hope humanity learns this lesson before it’s too late.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar deploys “floating emergency command center.”
Wereskunks defend littering as ‘a work of art’
Satanist says his religion requires a garbage toter in his front yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/28/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Editorial Board: Time for School District D211 to move forward on transgender locker room access (Mixed)

Four years ago, Palatine-Schaumburg High School District 211 stopped banning transgender students from locker rooms but required them to change in privacy stalls.  Now the district is considering allowing access to the locker rooms of their gender identity without requiring them to use a privacy stall. 

If enacted, it will be a welcome and long-overdue change.  Requiring trans students to change in stalls, while leaving it optional for everyone else, is dehumanizing segregation.  Attempted suicide rates among trans youth are already too high.  Trans people are more likely to be victims of violent crimes than perpetrators. The Trump administration is trying to roll back protections for transgender people.  D211 does not need to contribute to this effort.

We have heard the arguments against open access to trans people, and find them unimpressive.  To be frank, they read more like someone took old homophobic arguments and replaced the word “gay” with “trans.”  While we understand the Slippery Slope Fallacy, we do believe that the “privacy” arguments being used against trans students could easily be used against other members of the LBGTQ+ community.

The D211 Board says it needs more time to consider this policy.  We offer this suggestion:  Other school districts have implemented this policy without incident, D211 should do the same. Cisgender people have nothing to fear from trans folk in locker rooms or restrooms. However, when trans folk are forced to use the facilities of their biological gender which are a mismatch to their outer appearance and inner selves, they are at risk for violence from cis-gendered folk .

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Rationality Rules? (Non-fiction)

H.J. Hornbeck has a post on the latest conflict between between YouTube bloggers Rationality Rules and Essence of Thought.

I can’t speak to three of those names, but I know both Matt Dillahunty and Noel Plum are on the record as stating there was nothing transphobic in that original video. RR is blatantly rewriting history to cast his defenders as his critics, in the process erasing all the criticism he received from other quarters. He’s also downplaying his video where he spent some time thanking EssenceOfThought for pointing out mistakes he made.

I don’t really follow things like this, but it does strike me as odd that Rationality Rules didn’t take an interest in women’s athletics until trans women became an “issue.”

Infected passengers from C/2019 Q4 transferred to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Image of an interstellar cruise ship disguised as a comet.

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they received infected passengers from a cruise ship, known to the public as interstellar comet C/2019 Q4 (Borisov).

“We have taken all necessary precautions,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Clow has one of the best medical facilities on Earth for treating visitors.  There is no danger to our residents or to humanity at large. Anyone who says differently is a foe and shouldn’t be trusted.”

C/2019 Q4 is a sub-light speed luxury cruise ship which has been traveling towards Earth for thousands of years.  According to Clow officials, the craft sent out a distress signal last month stating that half the passengers and crew were infected by an unknown illness.  After a medical team from the Interstellar Commonwealth visited the craft, they ordered most of the infected passengers removed from the craft.  Clow UFO Base was one of the sites chosen by the Illuminati to treat passengers.

Dr. Rachel X. Zimmerman, Director of Clow’s Infectious Disease Division, said many precautions were taken to reduce the risk of contamination:  “We have a special landing bay with a hospital for situations like this.  It has its own life support system.  We’re following strict quarantine procedures.  Our medical staff won’t leave until these patients are cured or incinerated!”

Qugodlak, a doctor from Barnard’s Star, said that cruise ships like C/2019 can become breeding grounds for infectious diseases:  “These ships may travel for thousands of Earth years before they can dock.  That means they’re never properly cleaned or repaired for most of their journey.  On Earth, a broken ice machine leads to food poisoning.  On one of these ships, they can create an ecosystem of death.  That why I tell my patients to never take a trip on one of these ships.”

Blousk, Head Thinker of Evolution Cruise Lines, thanked Claar for his help and defended his business:  “All of our passengers are practically immortal.  Who wants to live forever?  Those who die will die among the stars.  Those who survive will have loving memories of the evolution of humanity— As well as memories of our fine dining, and centuries of playing Gobabble Ball.”

Qugodlak said the healthy crew and passengers will be taken on a guided tour of Earth.  The ship will be depressurized and exposed to the Sun’s radiation in hopes of sterilizing it.  Once the ship is disinfected, the ship will be re-pressurized, and the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed back on board.

Their next destination will take C/2019 Q4 approximately 200,000 years to reach. 

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had no interest in commenting.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said:  “We need to tell the whole world that Bolingbrook was chosen by Money Magazine as one of the best places to live in America this year.  Why are you shaking your head?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “First of all, being number 85 isn’t great.”

“Being 85 out of all the communities in the country is great!”

“Second of all, if you link to the article, people will discover that Naperville is ranked number 45.  They’ll realize that they can move to Naperville, save money, have a nearby Metra station, and be close enough to Bolingbrook to exploit all the things that make it great.”

“You’re so negative.  Why can’t you be positive, like every other Bolingbrook resident.”

“Positivity never leads to progress.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens riot as Clow increases fuel costs
Residents clean up litter left by weredeer
Wereskunks apply for a cannabis license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/19  

Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.