Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)


The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.