Bolingbrook Antifa unleashes weapon of ‘mass-milkshaking’ (Fiction)


Bolingbrook Antifa, a militant anti-fascist organization, unleashed its new weapon of “mass-milkshaking” while visiting Proud Boys, a neo-fascist organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

According to eyewitnesses, 20 members of the Proud Boys were marching in the direction of Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s home when a tank crashed through a wooden fence.  The Proud Boys drew their guns and started shooting at the tank.  The tank, with Bolingbrook Antifa markings, turned and stopped mere feet from the Proud Boys.  A woman, wearing a black mask and bulletproof vest, popped out from the top of the tank, and started spraying milkshake mix at the Proud Boys with a high powered nozzle. 

Joel, one of the Proud Boys, cried as he recounted what happened:  “We were going to pay Bob a very special house call.  We looked great and manly, but those anti-western civilization commies attacked us.  Then we looked ridiculous and weak.”  He cried again.  “Milkshakes should be banned throughout western civilization!”

Several police cars arrived, and the tank left the subdivision.  Some officers tried to pursue the tank, but Mayor Roger Claar ordered them to back off.

“He said the tank could damage the main roads,” said one officer.  “He also said that the driver could decide to ram the new Andy’s Custard.  Roger said something about spending too much political capital only to see it crushed.  I figured it was best not to ask.”

The other officers came to the aid of the Proud Boys.  The commander of the Proud Boys “unit” ordered the officers to tell the media that the milkshake used against them contained quick-dry cement, ricin, super glue, and slow-acting acid.  When an officer pointed out that they had no evidence such things were in the shake mix, the commander replied: “Say it anyway.  Look at all the great publicity the Portland police department got.”

After determining that none of the Proud Boys were Bolingbrook residents, the police dropped them off at a hotel in Naperville. They told them to never visit Bolingbrook again, or they would be charged with illegal possession of firearms. The Proud Boys offered the officers a high-five, but they refused.

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement admitting responsibility for the attack: “Today we have taken milkshaking to the next level.  Fascists tried to intimidate Bob and might have gone after some of the other trustees if we hadn’t stopped them.  Clueless Claar needs to see the present and growing threat that fascism presents to Bolingbrook, our country, and the world!  We don’t have time for Pollyanna trustees.  We don’t need smug centrists condemning both sides.  We need leaders who will resist the darkness.  If we lead the fight against fascism, Roger and his robots will eventually follow us!”

Bolingbrook police have arrested one Antifa suspect.  According to an officer, they found the suspect almost by accident:  “I walked into the McDonalds, and the first thing this employee said was ‘I don’t know anything about the missing truckload of milkshake mix.’  He’ll talk once Roger’s finished with him.”

A call to Claar’s cell phone was answered by Carpanzano.  He replied: “Your stories are so negative and biased.  Why don’t you let me write a story about how Jason can’t tell me who I can and can’t block?  See?  I can be funny and positive too!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch history being made in Long Grove, because I care.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “That’s a big wheel.”

A man who sounded like Long Grove Village President Bill Jacob said: “It is the Wheel of Food.  Every time we create a new village festival, our last step is to have an outsider spin the wheel of food.  The Wheel will select the food theme for the festival.  All of the food booths must feature this item.  The rest is already planned.”

“I guess that would explain why there’s hardly any chocolate at your Chocolate Fest.”

“Silence!  The moment has arrived.  Roger, you must spin the Wheel of Food!”

“Boy, it’s heavy.  There we go!  Yes!  Come on.  Come on.  Land on rum and coke!  Come on.  Uh oh.  It landed on star fruit.  You can’t have an Illinois festival based on star fruit.  Maybe I should spin—”

“Do not question the Wheel of Food!”

Also in the Babbler:

Killer grass destroys lawnmower
Aliens arrested for setting off fireworks on July 7
Claar to hold a hearing on ‘Jason Cann and other foes on the Internet’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/12/19

Comments

  1. says

    Just some helpful thoughts on WMDs (as opposed to WMMs):

    “Weapons of Mass Dairyfication”
    “Weapons of Mass Drenching”
    “Weapons of Mass …?”

    I’m sure your readers can come up with more than just those two options….

    separately, I was quite entertained by your current story, but mildly disappointed that you didn’t use a Twinkie as the pointer on your Wheel of Food, so that your line could have read:

    That’s a big Twinkie!

  2. says

    Thanks for the comment. If I revisit this weapon, I will keep the WMD ideas in mind. The Twinkie pointer is a good idea. I guess I was just more focused on the arbitrary food choices for Long Grove’s festivals. 🙂