Rowdy wereskunks trash Bolingbrook (Fiction)


Several wereskunks celebrating ‘payday’ caused hundreds of dollars in damage to dumpsters and some Bolingbrook residents’ yards.

According to eyewitnesses, the wereskunks, some of whom appeared to be drunk, said they were celebrating their first ‘payday’ from the Village of Bolingbrook.  These wereskunks claimed that they process Bolingbrook’s new garbage collection fees, and are paid $2 for each bill.

One wereskunk allegedly said, “It’s the easiest work I’ve ever done.  I open an envelope.  I pull out the check.  I record the check.  I give the check to (Village Clerk Carol Penning).  I get paid, and Bolingbrook will ban garbage toters.  That means our cousins get a free meal every garbage day.  I love this village!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw ten wereskunks tearing up the dumpsters in her apartment complex:

“They were gobbling up garbage scraps and praising (Mayor Roger Claar).  Eventually some guy in a strange uniform approached them, and said Roger wanted them to leave.  He also said they wouldn’t be arrested as long as they went back to the woods.  Our  dumpsters are now scrap metal, and the grounds are full of litter.  If I wasn’t a loyal Republican, I’d consider voting for Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Who knows?  I might do it if it would trigger liberals.”

Julie, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a mysterious stranger saved her home from a gang of wereskunks:

“These creatures must have been 10 or 11 feet tall.  They said I didn’t pay my garbage fee.  I told them I never received the bill for Roger’s garbage tax.  They said I shouldn’t call it a tax and threatened to spray my home.  Can you believe that?  Fortunately, a drone dropped perfume bombs near the creatures.  They complained about the smell, then ran away.  The drone flew up to my door, and I asked who it was.  “He said he couldn’t tell me, but he did say that in a year and I half I would have a choice between two mayors.  He told me to choose the kind mayor.  Since Roger didn’t try to help me, I think I will.”

Dave, a manager at the new Andy’s Custard off Boughton RD, claims Claar tried to calm down the weredeer:

“I got a call from Roger.  He asked when we were going to open.  I said late next week was the soft test opening…Which is pretty good considering how long construction’s been delayed. Roger said he had a ‘situation’ and needed us to be open now.  So I did a village state of emergency opening of the store.  We had quite a few scruffy customers, but they loved our frozen custard.  I guess we were worth the wait. Though for some reason they went to our dumpster first, instead of the register. ”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of weredeer, or that Claar had anything to do with the opening of the second Andy’s Custard.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “In a few days, ANTIFA will be declared a terrorist organization.  What do you think about that, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “Anti-fascism is an idea, not an organization.  If Trump goes through with this, does that mean any memorial to World War II soldiers is a monument to terrorism?”

“You just have to ruin everything, Bob.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Enough with the mass shootings!
Iran spies spotted canvasing for the Green Party
UFO crashes into Bolingbrook resident’s deck
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.