Weredogs and wereskunks clashed in front of the Promenade Bolingbrook over the sale of commercially bred puppies. Although there were heated arguments, and one spraying incident, the Department of Paranormal Affairs made no arrests.
Part of the department’s press release about the incident stated: “Bolingbrook’s shapeshifters have freedom of speech. We just wish they wouldn’t use it.”
Twelve weredogs, in their war dog form, picketed behind the Promenade. They at times chanted: “Puppies Matter!” Six wereskunks counter protested across the street, sometimes chanting: “Dogs are dumb!”
Ralph, a weredog pack leader, claims that a new pet store, Puppy Love, will be selling puppies from “puppy mills:”
“These breeders are in it for profit, not love. They impregnate mothers regardless of their health, provide inadequate health care, and don’t care if puppies receive proper socialization. Bolingbrook residents would be appalled if someone opened a baby store. They should be appalled that Bolingbrook will soon have two stores that sell puppies from these puppy factories!”
Petland is the other store that sells commercially bred puppies.
According to Ralph, weredogs were working with Bolingbrook officials to draft a “humane pet store ordinance.” The weredogs decided to protest when they heard about the opening of Puppy Love.
Darla, a weredog and lifelong Bolingbrook resident, believes there are humane alternatives to puppy mills:
“Shelters like Humane Haven are filled with puppies looking for homes. Don’t listen to the eugenicists, I mean breeders. Shelter puppies make great companions!”
Sherry, a wereskunk alpha, shouted several unprintable insults at the weredogs. She believes that pet stores represent “freedom:”
“Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to take out a loan for up to 200% interest to buy a sick puppy! This is what defending your freedom is all about! Don’t let them take away your freedom!”
Steve, another wereskunk, thinks pet stores are the key to Bolingbrook’s economic recovery. “Bolingbrook needs all the tax revenue it can get. So what if a store sells sick puppies? The tax revenue that the store generates will prevent the village from choosing between funding the police, or funding the Bolingbrook Golf Club! Dogs are too dumb to understand that.”
Trustees Michael Carpanzano and Robert Jaskiewicz met with protesters on both sides. Carpanzano told the weredogs that he created a web page to promote pet adoption. He also bragged to the wereskunks that he has never proposed an ordinance to ban the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook:
“I’m for all businesses! Except for Marijuana dispensaries, of course.”
Jaskiewicz encouraged the weredogs to promote online petitions calling for a ban on the sale of mill puppies and other commercially bred pets.
“If Naperville can ban the selling of mill puppies, we can too. The members of the First Party for Bolingbrook won’t listen to me, but they might listen to potential voters like you.”
Carpanzano held a rubber carp in front of Jaskiewicz’s face, then walked away.
“I hate it when he carps me,” said Jaskiewicz.
Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.
Her receptionist said: “She’s in the middle of a very important phone call.”
In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “I’m sorry, Mr. President. There is no way I can legally find 1,025,024 votes for you in Bolingbrook…Please call me Mayor Mary. Not (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) fake mayor Maria.”
Also in the Babbler:
Atheists accidentally airdrop ‘humanitarian aid’ crate on Bolingbrook house
Governor Pritzker denies plans to send the national guard to DuPage Township
Will County Health Department contains zombie plague in Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. I am against puppy mills. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.