Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

Bolingbrook’s ‘unofficial’ political parties respond to the 2018 State of the Village address (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivered the 2018 State of the Village address last week.  As in the past, we have asked Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond.  The official opposition party, Bolingbrook United, sent us their response.  Below are the replies we received from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties: The Roger Claar Party, The Chicagoland Party, The Art Bell Party, and the Bolingbrook Pride Party.

The Roger Claar Party

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Claar.

Wow!  What a great speech!  I’m still in tears.  We’ve grown so much, and become so successful as a village.  We have Mayor Roger Claar to thank for making Bolingbrook the best community in the world!  Personally, I think we’re so successful that Money Magazine secretly decided to retire us from their listings to give other places a chance to be listed.

…But imagine how much greater Roger could be if he weren’t shackled by the Me First Roger Second party?  They say they support Roger, but do they?  Why aren’t they physically throwing themselves in front of a certain trustee to prevent him from entering Village Hall?  Why aren’t they investigating anyone with ties to Cook County? What is their real agenda?

Our real agenda is clear.  We want to help Roger take Bolingbrook to the next level.  We want this term to be so successful, that he’ll decide to run for reelection.  We want the world to see what can happen when a political party lets Roger be Roger.

Will you help us?

The Chicagoland Party

“Stop dividing us.”

When you look down at the Chicago area from space, you don’t Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago.  You see one large community.

Unfortunately, the situation on the ground is much different.  Chicagoland is needlessly divided by artificial political lines.  We send our teenagers to compete in sports competitions against each other.  We say people within one imaginary boundary are better than another.

We are not Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago or any other name.  We are Chicagoland, and for the good of our community, we need to stop dividing ourselves.

Roger brags about Bolingbrook, but the truth is our success is the result of being part of Chicagoland.  There is no wall separating us from the rest of Chicagoland.  Corporations move here because they want to be a part of Chicagoland.  How many people live here, but work in the surrounding communities?

It’s time for a bold leadership that will do away with suburbs, including Bolingbrook.  It’s time for us to embrace the fact that we are all residents of Chicagoland.

The Art Bell Party

“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies.”

How can Mayor Roger Claar talk about Bolingbrook and not mention the recent sightings of Mothman?  Whenever Mothman appears, something grave happens.  What is Bolingbrook doing to protect its residents from the coming doom?  Anything?

We could be facing certain doom, and all Roger cares about are business licenses and corporate headquarters! Roger, you need to drop everything and reach out to Mothman.  It could be the difference between life and death!

Also, not once in his speech did Claar acknowledge the existence of Clow UFO Base.  Every resident knows that Clow is the real reason for Bolingbrook’s success.  Is he trying to claim credit for the work of otherworldly beings?

Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who won’t try to cover up its supernatural nature- one who embraces it instead.  We are the most important village in the galaxy.  Unlike a certain mayor, we aren’t afraid to tell the public this!

Bolingbrook Pride Party

“What has fallen may stand again.”

There was once a party that proclaimed it was proud to be residents of Bolingbrook.  That party built our infrastructure, and thus the foundation to make Bolingbrook great.

Now things are different.  Bolingbrook has corporate headquarters instead of cornfields, but even the most Claar loving resident knows that something isn’t right.  Sure people do well, but only if you’re friends with the mayor.  He brags about Bolingbrook’s economic development, yet anyone can look at Bolingbrook Commons and know that something is not right.  There is no pride in Bolingbrook.

That’s why we’ve brought back the Bolingbrook Pride Party.  We’re going to bring back not only real transparency but a commitment to serve all residents — not just the ones who own businesses.  We’re going to make sure that all streets are plowed, including the cul-de-sacs.  The days of overpriced golf clubs and subsidized airports will come to an end.

Critics will call us a zombie party.  We prefer to think of our selves as Crows, coming back from the afterlife to the right the wrongs committed by Roger, and leaving behind a Bolingbrook we can all be proud to call ourselves residents of.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to remain open during government shutdown
Claar:  Bolingbrook United should fold just like Senate Democrats
Sagan dragons spotted in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/18

Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village.  The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television.  Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend.  It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue.  He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore.  He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago.  While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community.  Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action.  Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates.  At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt.  Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water.  In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago.  That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve.  We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal.  Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known.  Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda.  We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it.  Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item.  We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed.  It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall.  We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously.  Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall:  During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him.  He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together.  We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas.  He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner.  Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments.  The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Will the Village of Bolingbrook investigate the Clinton family?  Sources with relatives whose friends work at Village Hall say yes:

“Sure the FBI is investigating the Clinton Foundation,” said one source.  “But we know that they’re in league with the Deep State.  Can we really trust any organization tied to them?  So we’re helping Trump— I mean we’re helping bring the Clintons to justice.”

“There are many laws the Clintons could have broken,” said another source.  “Did Bill have an affair while visiting Illinois?  That’s a crime in Illinois.  There are other obscure laws in Illinois that we could get them on.  I mean discover if they violated.  The point is that there are so many crimes that the Clintons could have committed, that we can’t expect Congress and the FBI to investigate them all.  It is the patriotic duty of every community to investigate the Clintons.”

The sources agree that Mayor Roger Claar asked the village staff to “look into Clinton’s ties to Bolingbrook, no matter insignificant they may seem.” Though the Clintons did not make any campaign stops in Bolingbrook, Claar, the sources say, believes that there could be some “inappropriate connections” between some Bolingbrook residents and the Clintons.

“Maybe some residents did more than vote for Clinton.  Maybe they received secret funds from the Clintons and used them to run for local office.  We can’t know for sure unless we investigate.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said: “He hated me and committed a crime. How is that not a hate crime?  For that matter, how can you say that my support of Donald Trump is not a creed?  A creed is a set of beliefs that guide someone’s actions.  Google it if you don’t believe me!”

In the background, a woman said: “Actually, I have the Babbler on Line One.  The Herald is on Line Two.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Claar said before hanging up.

Chelsea Clinton laughed after being asked about the alleged investigation. “I’ll make this quick since the board meeting is about to start.  I don’t know who this Mayor Blair is.  I’ve never heard of Bowling Illinois, most of the money the Clinton Foundation makes goes towards its programs, the former President is my dad, my mother won the popular vote, I have four degrees, including a doctorate from Oxford University, I’m not wearing an ankle bracelet, Alex Jones eats pizza, and I’m more qualified to hold office than Donald Trump is.  Have a nice life.”

Also in the Babbler:

Man frozen since last week revived at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital
Traffic down 25 percent at Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook Skeptics: All Will County prisoners wrongly convicted due to false memories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/11/18

We get letters: HJ Hornbeck and other matters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Hello! While the rest of the staff is enjoying a vacation, I’ve decided to publish some of the letters we’ve received recently.  I am known for being a harsh editor, but it is possible to get a letter published by me.  I will give you a hint, death threats or links to pornographic fan fiction about Mayor Roger Claar will be filed in my round drawer.

Our first letter probably was sent to us by mistake, but it’s worth a read:

Dear Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler:

We at the Skeptic Society can’t believe it! HJ Hornbeck, a protege of the objectively evil PZ Myers, is attacking us.  We can counter his thousands of words but, unlike Hornbeck, we don’t have a mountain of ad revenue to back us up.  Our backs are up against a virtual wall, but we can fight back against the many-headed creature that is Freethought Blogs.

We will need your help, though.  For a small donation of $1 million, we can find writers who can counter Hornbeck’s fake skepticism!  For the cost of a summer home, you can make huge difference in our fight against political correctness.  If you can become a member of our army of small donors, you’ll save secularism and help our founder, Michael Shermer, keep his platform!

If you have any doubts, just remember that we are standing by our positive review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s book, and Rebecca Watson won’t be at any of our events.

Donate today, and you’ll get an advance copy of Michael’s soon to be released book, “The Female Brain.”

The Skeptics Society
Altadena, CA

Pass.

Locally, one reader has a question:

To the Editor:

Why don’t you write about our great high school basketball teams?  Don’t you love our community?  Don’t you love our students?  Are your reporters the kind that hate Bolingbrook High School because we’re diverse?

Get with the program!

Lee X. Pilger
Bolingbrook, IL

Lee, our focus is on the supernatural happenings in Bolingbrook.  Yes, we have great teams, but you can read about them in any suburban publication.  You’ll only be able to read about the Bolingbrook High School Interplanetary Track and Field team on in the Babbler!  They’re favored to win the Triton Invitational Tournament.

Our next reader is concerned:

To the Editor:

Don’t be fooled by the Fake News Media. Most people believe the Earth is a globe.  The Fake News Media wants us to believe that there are hordes of Flat Earth believers out there, so we’ll panic and establish a council of smart people to rule the world.  Sure they say it will be temporary until they’ve rid the world of woo.  But it is impossible to get rid of woo, and they know it.  Instead, the world will be run by this oligarchy.

We can’t let the Fake News Media trick us into letting the skeptical movement run the world!

Name withheld
Schaumburg, IL

No, we can’t let that happen.

Finally, a question many Bolingbrook residents have:

To the Editor:

When will Bolingbrook end its ban on garbage totes?  Sure, banning them was a way to make the village look like it had conservative values.  Today, even Naperville has them, and Naperville isn’t a liberal community.  Roger is just being stubborn, and we’re falling behind in the sanitation race.  It’s time for a change.  Garbage totes today!  Garbage totes tomorrow!  Garbage totes forever!

Jane Z Gilford
Bolingbrook, IL

Viva the garbage tote revolution, I guess.

We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week, and I’ll continue my difficult search for letters worth publishing.

Clow UFO Base survives holiday concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base once again survived its annual holiday concert. Officials were quick to call it a success.

“The stats speak for themselves,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Arrests were down a half a percent.  We had one less visitor hospitalized this year than last.  We also confiscated one ton of corn cobs before the concert.  I think it helped that we banned Festivus celebrations this year.  The feats of strengths and airing of grievances were creating too many problems for our security staff.  Now were there unfortunate incidents during the concert?  Yes; but it wouldn’t be a Clow Holiday Cultural Event without an incident or two, would it?”

The concert, officially titled, “A Study of Contrasts Between Traditional Christmas Music and Christmas Music Composed in the Late 20th Century/Early 21st Century,” started with a moment of silence in honor of former Bolingbrook Mayor Edward “Rosie” Rosenthal, who recently died of natural causes.  The first two performances were by the Bolingbrook High School alien choir and the Bolingbrook High School Alien Show Choir, both of which were well received.

Trouble began when three aliens suffered convulsions during a slide show presentation of the Village Board members’ children and grandchildren.  The three were hospitalized and are in stable condition.

“Sometimes our visitors can be overwhelmed cuteness,” said a doctor who asked not to be named.  “What can I say?  Our leaders have cute kids.”

After the slideshow, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was invited to walk on stage.  He was handed a piece of paper and asked to sing along to the music.  When the music started, he sang the beginning of “Little Drummer Boy.”

Seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler walked on stage and sang “Peace on Earth/Can it be?” He smiled as he walked towards Jaskiewicz and kept singing.

Claar charged on to the stage and ordered the music to be stopped.

“Michael,” he yelled.  “What are you doing?  We are supposed to be shunning that man, not singing with him.”

“But I always wanted to sing a Bowie song on stage.”

“At the New Years party, you can sing ‘Fashion’ if you need to.  Now get off this stage!  You too, Stankiewicz.”

“Jaskiewicz,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“Whatever.”

The next band, Night Castle, was supposed to perform cover versions of Trans-Siberian Orchestra songs.  When they entered the stage, the lead guitarist announced that they had left their sheet music in their quarters.

“So we’re going to pay tribute to our second favorite album from Earth.  With a twist, of course.”

Night Castle started playing “American Idiot” by Green Day, and changed the chorus to “Don’t want to be a Bolingbrook Idiot.”  An alien, wearing an orange Claar mask, marched to the center of the stage.  Six aliens, wearing costumes that resembled the elected members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, ran up to the Claar impersonator, dropped to their knees and bowed before him.  Then aliens wearing Bolingbrook United shirts ran onto the stage. They were chased by aliens wearing Bolingbrook police uniforms and waving batons.  Some audience members then tried to rush the stage.

Claar walked up to the window of his luxury box and made an obscene gesture at the band.  The stage lights and sound were cut off, and Men in Blue stormed the stage, arresting the performers.

Claar then turned towards Jaskiewicz.  Jaskiewicz shrugged.

Tim Minchin, the final performer, finished his set by performing “White Wine in the Sun.”  During the performance, Trustee Sheldon Watts turned his back and plugged each ear with a finger.

After Minchin finished, the aliens gave him a standing ovation.  Minchin bowed then started writing on two sheets of paper.  He then held them up.  One read, “New World Order.”  The other read, “Illuminati.”  He tore up both sheets then wrote on a third sheet and held it up.  It read: “One Universe, One Humanity.  One Family.”

The aliens and many Clow staffers cheered.

Claar shook his head.  According to some sources, he ordered Minchin and Night Castle placed on the ‘banned for life from Clow’ list.

While the concert didn’t go as planned, many aliens said they enjoyed the show.

“These concerts are the best argument for anarchy,” said an alien who asked not to be named.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Resident: My website will settle all political debates
Claar:  No rap concerts before Village Board Meetings
Bolingbrook police promise not to arrest Santa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/17

In memory of Edward ‘Rosie’ Rosenthal (Non-fiction)

My friend Edward “Rosie” Rosenthal died last Thursday at the age of 69.

Ed Rosenthal was Mayor of Bolingbrook from 1981 to 1985.  Part of his legacy as mayor included Bolingbrook’s tornado sirens.  Ed’s term featured many infrastructure improvements for Bolingbrook, although he did have to deal with his then rival, Roger Claar, who was a trustee at the time.  (Now Claar is the current Mayor of Bolingbrook, and he eventually became one of Ed’s friends.)

I suspect Ed will be better remembered as a long time science teacher at Naperville North, as well as the coach of the Girl’s Golf Team. I’ve been moved reading the many testimonials from his former students and athletes.  Many still met up with him years after he retired, and his Facebook page is filled with comments from former students.

Ed was also involved with the National Educational Association and was a negotiator for Naperville’s teacher’s union.  I remember reading his quotes in the paper as contract talks were close to the deadline.  He struck me as someone always willing to fight for the best deal, even if that sometimes meant taking cuts.  After he retired, he remained active with the NEA.

When I first met Ed, I believed that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of one of his daughter’s friends from the Internet.  I think I won him over soon afterward.  He helped me get settled in the Chicago area, and we eventually became neighbors in Bolingbrook.  I also enjoyed Thanksgiving dinners with his family. Whenever I had a question about Bolingbrook politics, he was always willing to answer it—though I now I suspect that there was more he wanted to share with me.

Ed also liked it whenever I mentioned him in a Bolingbrook Babbler article.  He even shared my “Mayors of Bolingbrook” article about him.

Ed was a very kind and helpful person to not only me but to his family and many others.  I feel honored to have been friends with him and he was an asset to Bolingbrook.  I and many others will miss him.

Military investigators question Mayor Claar about UFOs (Fiction)

Sources say military investigators questioned Mayor Roger Claar for about an hour about Clow UFO Base:

Many sources in Village Hall say the investigators were from the successor program to the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program.  They were investigating a UFO sighting in California.  These sources said the investigators considered Claar a person of interest because he has family in California, and because of the Babbler’s articles about Claar being the administrator of Clow UFO Base.

“Clow is an airport,” Claar allegedly replied.  “It is not a UFO Base.  You can’t believe anything you read in the Babbler!”

“That’s interesting,” one investigator allegedly replied.  “PZ Myers says the same thing about the Babbler. But we spoke with military personnel who used to be close to PZ, and they said you cannot believe anything PZ says.  So if PZ is saying—”

“Oh, that’s just great!”  Claar allegedly snapped back.

Sources agree that the investigators showed Claar pictures of every UFO sighting in Illinois and California.

Claar, the sources say, was not happy with the questions:

“Just because something is unidentified, does not mean it is from outer space!  It could be drones, clouds, or hoaxes.  Don’t you guys read the Skeptical Inquirer?”

“Our superior officer says we shouldn’t read articles by people who don’t believe in UFOs.  They foster doubt about our mission.  If we doubt our mission, then we start doubting our superior officers.  If that happens, then who knows what would happen to the military.”

“I don’t want to know.”

Near the end, Claar pulled out his delegate card from the 2016 Republican Convention:

“See this card. It means I voted for our President at the convention.  I was willing to stick with him no matter how many rounds of votes it took to give him the nomination.  I remained a supporter after he was elected.  I didn’t distance myself from him during my last election.  As long as he doesn’t try to remove me from office, I will remain loyal to him.  Our President rewards loyalty.  So with that in mind, what do you think he would say if I called him right now?”

The investigators thanked him for his time and left.

When this reporter called for a comment, a receptionist answered the phone:

“Roger is preparing for this week’s Village Board meeting and cannot be disturbed.  Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Comcast?  I know our franchise agreement doesn’t expire until 2020, but I was hoping that you would consider creating a Bolingbrook-friendly Internet Tier for our residents.  I’ll send you a list of sites you can exclude that are not Bolingbrook-friendly.  I’m so glad the FCC repealed net neutrality so I can help my residents avoid fake content from my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Trump vows to take down Freethought Blogs
Canada offers to buy Chicagoland from the US
Elf on a shelf arrested for spying on children
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/17

‘Reality hacking’ firm opens research center in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Are we living inside a computer simulation?  Bolingbrook’s newest business, The Neo Center for the Study of Reality Coding, intends to find out.

At a private grand opening ceremony, attended by Mayor Roger Claar and all the village trustees, CEO Daniel C. Lovecraft explained the company purpose:

“Many billionaires, like Elon Musk, believe that the reality we live in is a computer simulation. Some have privately told us they want to escape the simulation or tweak it.  We want to help these folks, and with their funding, we might find the answer, eventually.”

Lovecraft cited a Bank of America study that says the odds that we live in a simulation are between twenty and fifty percent.   He added that since the odds are in favor of our reality being a computer simulation, it is a worthy investment to crack reality’s source code.

“Imagine making little changes, like giving every human unlimited access to food and water— Or even eliminating the need to eat or drink.  Everything is possible, including changes to our past.”

“Like changing the results of unjust elections?” asked Trustee Maria Zarate.

“Or eliminating the need for elections, entirely,” replied Lovecraft.

“I like that idea,” said Trustee Deresa Hoogland.

Claar praised the company’s decision to relocate to Bolingbrook.  “This is a top company with good-paying jobs that’s come here.  Just the other day, I praised McDonald’s for rebuilding a store in Bolingbrook. Now you guys are here.  That proves to me that Bolingbrook is not only good for business, it’s also good for business research.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was not impressed: “Didn’t someone do a study that disproved your theory?”

“That’s fake news,” replied Lovecraft.  “Besides, we’re just asking questions.  There’s no harm in that.”

“Yes, but did Roger give you a tax credit for locating your office here?”

“Bob,” Claar interrupted, “If you had attended the 3 AM meeting of the Bolingbrook Quantum Computing Commission, you would know the answer to that question.”

“I’ve never heard of that commission.”

“If you had asked the Village Attorney, he would have told you about it.”

“How would I know to ask the Village Attorney?  It’s not listed on the village website.”

“If you were a member of the Bolingbrook First party, you would have gotten the full orientation.”

“Yeah Bob,” added Trustee Rick Morales.  “Get with the program.”

“Exactly,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  “You don’t want us to ask our new friend to edit your code, do you?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts later offered the company his blessing:

“I believe God exists in all realities and our programmers are doing God’s work.  Just because our parents created us does not mean that there is no God.  This is why I support STEM.  All things are possible through God.”

Later, a receptionist answered a call from this reporter to Claar’s office:

“Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.  Roger is in a meeting and cannot be disturbed.”

In the background, a man who sounded like US Representative Peter Roskam said, “I just wanted to say thank you to the Bolingbrook First party for donating  $1000 to my campaign.”

“You’re welcome, but don’t mention it.  Our voters think we’re staying out of national politics.”

“I understand.  My middle-class voters think my tax cut bill will help them.”

Both men laughed.

Also in the Babbler:

Security tightened in Chicago in anticipation of Hanukkah Harry’s visit
Last Jedi premiere expected to draw record number of visitors to Clow UFO Base
Wereskunks to hold fundraiser for the Bolingbrook First Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/17

(Web Exclusive) Trustee Sheldon Watts proselytizes at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Trustee Sheldon Watts celebrated his reappointment to the Bolingbrook Village Board by preaching to aliens at Clow UFO Base.

“I have walked through the valley of receiving the second fewest votes,” yelled Watts, as he stood in the middle of McDowell plaza.  “I thought I was all alone, except for my family and friends.  Then God guided me to back to his loyal servant Mayor Roger C. Claar.  Now I serve the higher powers of God, Roger, and Bolingbrook!”

For over an hour, Watts sang and preached about God in the Plaza.  Most aliens ignored him, while a few staff members listened to him during their lunch breaks.  Much of his sermon was about his seven months out of office after finishing next to last in a six-person race.

“God guided me to the Illuminati’s Crown and Scepter.  They told me that elections are unenlightened.  How many elected leaders are there in the Bible?  You don’t count votes to find enlightenment: you go to the light!”

One alien walked up to Watts and said: “There is no God.  Stop boring us.”

Watts laughed.  “All of our visitors have seen so much of the universe, yet know so little about how it works.  Let me ask you if there is no God, then how did we get here?”

“Quantum Fluctuations and Multiverses are part of the answer.  No, I don’t have all the answers, and neither do you.”

Watts laughed again.

“Then think about this.  If your God exists, maybe he was testing you.”

“He’s always testing us.”

“Maybe instead of accepting the position, you were supposed to refuse it?  Then maybe you were supposed to tell Roger to appoint Terri Ransom to the board because she received more votes than you?  Maybe you aren’t supposed to be here?”

“I’d rather be smart with the Lord than a foolish alien atheist.”

“Whatever.”

Several minutes later, another alien walked up to Watts.

“You’re a lost Bozgot.  Have you heard the real news about how Lozogot sacrificed herself so you could go to the Great Singularity?”

“My savior is Jesus Christ who sacrificed—“

“Jesus cheated death.  Lozogot gave up his immortality so that we can be consumed by the gravity that binds us.”

Watts eventually ended his sermon by saying: “There is one mayor, and there is one God.  Let us be united under them”.

After the sermon, Watts refused to comment to this reporter.

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by a receptionist:

“There is no UFO Base under Clow International Airport, and Bolingbrook’s voters were tricked into voting Sheldon out.  Roger is correcting a great injustice committed against a great resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Michael, last year you were at a low point in your life.  Still, you remained loyal to me, and now you’re my Deputy Mayor.  So I’m giving you an early Christmas present.”

After the sound of ripping paper, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Lawler gasped.  “It’s real!  I’m Right, and You’re a Stupid Liar:  How to Run Bolingbrook the Roger Claar Way.  It’s your manual!

“Yes, and you’re only the second trustee who’s ever seen it.”