Satanic non-profit vows to help Bolingbrook’s ‘at-risk youth’ (Fiction)


After rapper MC Set Nine finished his performance in front of a small crowd of pre-teens, he pulled up a chair and asked the audience to move closer.  An assistant handed him several large photos.  MC Set Nine chose to hold up a picture of a painting of King George III.

“This man was a king,” Nine said.  “He was the lord of a large empire.  He could kill or imprison anyone he wanted to.”  Nine holds up another picture.  “Kind of like Darth Vader.”

The audience laughs.

Nine holds up another picture.  “You know who this is?  This is George Washington.  He led the American Revolution because he believed that Kings were evil, and no one should lord over another person. He opposed Feudalism.”  He holds up another picture.  “Just like Luke Skywalker.”

The audience nods.

Nine holds up a picture of a painting.  “This is God.  What are God’s titles?

“King of Kings!”

“Our Lord!”

“Those sound like titles in a feudal state,” said Nine.  “George Washington opposed feudalism.  Would George Washington support an even more powerful King?”

“No!”

“No is right, but he wasn’t strong enough to oppose God.  Do you know who is strong enough?”  Nine holds up another picture.  “This is Lucifer.  Lucifer is a revolutionary against King God.”

“I want to be like Lucifer because I believe in freedom!” said an audience member.

MC Set Nine is one the members of Humans Helping Others Out, Bolingbrook’s newest youth service organization.  The staff members say that their support for Lucifer motivates them to serve Bolingbrook’s “at-risk youth,” but is open to families of all religious backgrounds.

Nine explained: “We believe Bolingbrook parents shouldn’t be forced to choose between creepy Christians and arrogant atheists.  We provide a safe middle ground where our youth learn the sanctity of their bodies and the importance of defending your freedom against supernatural tyrants.  We want to help young people avoid the dangers of crime, drug abuse, and dependence upon the supernatural.”

One attendee, who asked to be called Sheila, said H2O2 wasn’t what she expected.  “I thought they were going to teach me black magic and how to sacrifice my annoying kid sister.  Instead, they’re teaching me individual responsibility and how we can build societies that don’t force us to be (expletive deleted) towards each other.  They even taught me to value my sister.  Not even God could do that.”

Nine says he’s not discouraged that the majority of Bolingbrook residents believe in God.  “That just makes our work more important.  More people are killed in the name of God than in the name of Satan.  If residents give us a few years with their children, we’ll all but eliminate youth crime in Bolingbrook.”

Nine added that H2O2 is willing to fight for recognition.  “There’s a certain local Christian organization that politicians are willing to give grants and free publicity to. We hope to get the same level of support because we offer the same kinds of programs that they do.  Otherwise, let’s just say that Satanists love the court system.  Because you shouldn’t hate us because we hate God.”

Both Heart Haven Outreach, and the DuPage Township Board members, refused to be interviewed for this story.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office. However, there was a line of people waiting to see him.  The receptionist said: “I’m sure Roger will be fair to an organization of people volunteering to go to Hell, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene, I can’t believe (Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz) held a fundraiser for his party with over year to go before the next election.”

“I know.  His party is in trouble because since the last election Bolingbrook First has spent over $47,000 and held four outreach events.  We’ve also donated to Representative Roskam’s campaign, so he’ll owe us—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested after attending the wrong opening for Beggar’s Pizza
Twenty injured during shooter drill at Clow UFO Base
Claar:  I have not been questioned by Mueller!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/18