Babbler celebrates the 19th anniversary of its first post (Fiction)

By Sara Langston
Editor of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Nineteen years ago this month, the Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article online.  It was a hand-coded HTML page hosted on a staff member’s webpage.  The story investigated the possibility of a tornado magnet located at Lewis University.  (The magnet has since been dismantled.)  There was some controversy when the article was first published because our copy editor at the time insisted that the Lewis University was misspelling its name.

From that humble beginning, the website has come a long way over nineteen years.  Today, our web page reaches an international audience, as well as the residents of Bolingbrook.  We are the place to go for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.

Each anniversary, we like to repost articles from the archives of our print edition.  This year we will be featuring our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s Mayors.  Yes, we did this in 2010, but this year we’ve made some enhancements to the articles.  Plus, we’re concerned that there are Bolingbrook residents who believe that Claar is the only mayor Bolingbrook has ever had.  While he is the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, he is not its only mayor.

So, join us this week as we’ll be featuring an interview from each of Bolingbrook’s mayors, past and present! Though these interviews, we hope you’ll see how both Bolingbrook and the Babbler have changed over the years.

Web Exclusive: Naperville protesters crash 10/24/17 Bolingbrook board meeting (Fiction)

Eyewitness and video analysis confirm that Naperville residents disrupted the 10/24/17 Village of Bolingbrook Board Meeting.  The protest was later edited out of the recording uploaded to the website.

“This was supposed to be a happy farewell to Public Safety Director Tom Ross,” said an anonymous eyewitness.  “Instead, those loud snobs, I mean Naperville residents, almost ruined it.”

According to the sources, after the Pledge of Allegiance portion of the meeting, ten Naperville residents stood up.  Their leader identified themselves as members of the Naperville Civic Response Action Team.  The leader said that they were furious over Facebook posts from the “Mayor’s Office” account.

“How dare you threaten to build a wall to separate yourselves from us.  We’re Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Suburbs separating themselves from us is not part of that reputation.  We’re the ones who do the separating!”

Mayor Roger Claar replied that the account is actually a “fake news” account, and asked if they had bothered to read the About section on the page.

“Why would we read the ‘About’ section?  We’re Naperville residents, we have a reputation to uphold.”

“I get the point!”  Claar replied.

Police escorted the ten residents out of the meeting.  Then five Naperville residents stood up and started chanting.  The first chant was, “Naperville is a-okay/Bolingbrook should go away!”  The second chant was “Naperville is beyond rebuke/Bolingbrook makes me puke!”

Claar made an unprintable remark, then said, “I told you that’s a fake news account!”

“You’re fake news!” yelled a protester.  “Just like your fake moat and your fake golf club!  You are an unworthy Trump supporter!”

Police escorted the protesters out again.  The meeting proceeded until the Trustees started giving their reports.  Another group of protesters stood up.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz interrupted them:

“Roger hates me and I have no reason to lie for him.  We’re not building a moat or a wall.  We like Naperville, and we like it when you shop in our stores and visit our events.  You’re welcome here. Let’s come together.”

Claar then shouted an unprintable comment, followed by: “Facebook just rejected my complaint about that page.  What do I have to do to get them shut down?”

After the meeting, Claar called Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico.  The two agreed that there was a misunderstanding between the two communities.  Chirico agreed to talk to the protesters, and Claar agreed to edit the video of the meeting “to protect Naperville’s reputation.”

An anonymous source at the Bolingbrook IT department confirmed the editing.  “We had to make a lot of awkward edits and used too many shots of Roger being bored.  Still, no one will ever suspect that there were protesters at the meeting.   As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Tom got the celebration he deserved!”

Neither Facebook nor the team behind the Mayor’s Office account could be reached for comment.

Bolingbrook Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown dies (Non-fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown died on October 31, 2017.  He had had open heart surgery earlier in the month.  Brown became a trustee in 1993 and a Deputy Mayor in 2000. He served in both positions until his death.  The Bolingbrook website has more details about his career and his life.

I never spoke with Leroy. However, I did see him at Village Board meetings, read about him in the local press, and watched him on BCTV.  I did send him an e-mail to settle a debate over whether the village website had his correct e-mail address.  It did.  Leroy never replied.

While we would have disagreed about politics and religion, my impression of him was that he was a friendly man who did care about the community. The organizations he volunteered for will miss him.

Yesterday, not only did Leroy die, but there was also a death in my family. I don’t take comfort in believing that Leroy is looking down on Bolingbrook, or that my deceased relative is offering to teach Leroy how to play Settlers of Catan. Instead, I found comfort when I looked up this quote from Richard Dawkins:

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

Though we were on opposite sides of the political divide, I am glad that Leroy was one of the lucky ones.

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base.  “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives.  While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,”  said an anonymous Clow official.  “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother.  Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job.  They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume.  Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media.  Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans.  Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating.  This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy.  Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy.  That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order.  They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer.  If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM.  Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump.  You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters.  Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Clow UFO Base survives without Mayor Claar and Deputy Mayor Brown (Fiction)

By Reporter X

With Mayor Roger Claar on a business trip and Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown on medical leave, the remaining five trustees managed Clow UFO Base for a week.

“The base is still around,” said an anonymous Clow employee.  “That’s all I have to say.”

Trustee Michael Lawler met with representatives from the Illuminati and gave them a tour:

“Clow UFO Base is the largest urban UFO Base in the world.  It is also one of the few Intergalactic Certified UFO bases in the United States.  In 1997, Clow was a rundown UFO Base.  Now, look at it.”

“Excuse me,” said Initiate Blake.  “In 1997, your mayor had been in charge of Clow for 12 years.  Are you saying he was a bad administrator?”

“Oh, no.  I did it again.  Let me say that we can all agree that Clow is one of the best UFO bases in the world, and we can thank Roger for making that possible.  He deserves all the credit.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland gave a presentation to the Interstellar Association of Child Carrying Beings.  At first, she talked about upcoming events for Heart Haven Outreach, then stopped.

“I’m sorry.  I just realized that I was reading the wrong speech.  Well, I’m sure everyone in the universe will agree that any of my prepared speeches are better than the ones written by a certain renegade trustee.”

No one in the audience replied.

Trustee Rick Morales held a meeting with Bolingbrook’s resident space aliens.  They asked if they could perform “Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown” in honor of Deputy Mayor Brown.

“No!” Morales replied.  “That song has been banned from Clow since 1993.  You’re not taking advantage of me because Roger is out of town.”

“But we changed the lyrics,” replied Zizgot, an ambassador to Clow.  “Listen.  He’s Good/Good/Leroy Brown/Best Deputy Mayor in the whole darn town/Greater than Godzilla/Softer than Mothera.”

“Seriously?  The word stupid doesn’t even begin to describe those lyrics adequately.  There are only two kinds of beings in Bolingbrook:  Residents and foes – and no resident would dare sing about Trustee Brown with those lyrics.”

“Foes?”  Zizgot and his guards drew their weapons.  “Did Bolingbrook just declare war on the GisBlot Empire?”

Clow security guards pulled out their guns.  “Only if you don’t renounce your obvious alliance with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

After a minute of pointing weapons at each other, Zizgot agreed not to sing the song, and Morales said that members of the GisBlot Empire were honorary Bolingbrook residents.

Trustee Maria A. Zarate managed Clow’s customs offices.  She said she enjoyed the experience and was proud to deny access to a group aliens with ties to the interstellar anti-vaccination movement.

“As a trustee, I’m always voting ‘yes.’  It was so exhilarating to finally be able to say ‘no.’ Especially since I knew Roger would approve of my decision.  Still, I will always vote with Roger, so don’t get the wrong idea.”

Jaskiewicz was in charge of the Complaints Department.  During one meeting an alien said, “Bob, your fellow trustees say that you are an evil liar and nothing you say is true.”

“You exist,” replied Jaskiewicz.

The being touched itself for a few seconds and looked at its reflection in the window.

“I’m impressed.  You are truly an intelligent being.”

Sources say Claar returned to Bolingbrook near the end of the week and praised the work of “some” of his trustees.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police subdue river monster blocking Royce Road
Naperville approves ‘high-end’ blast shelters
Get well soon, Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/17

The Village of Bolingbrook spent $2 million on ‘enhanced Illuminati membership’ (Fiction)

Did the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees approve spending $2 million on an “Illuminati membership enhancement” during their September 26 meeting?  Sources say yes.

Sources say the bill, which was disguised as bills for the Pathways Parade and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, was actually to enhance the Village’s membership in the Illuminati.  According to one source, the enhancement frees the village from the obligation to build coded monuments to the Illuminati or to require new road construction for Illuminati symbols.

“(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is saving the village millions of dollars,” said one source.  “By spending this money now, we don’t have to spend millions down the road building statues or building new streets.  Roger is a smart man, who will help make the Illuminati great again.  Fnord!”

During the meeting, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who is affiliated with the New World Order, asked why the bills weren’t given to the trustees in advance or posted on the website.  After being told that he could have gone to the village Attorney’s office for copies of the bills, Jaskiewicz voted no.  He said he could not vote to pay any bills without reviewing the details, and noted that the Village Attorney said payment could wait until the next board meeting. His no vote ended a 10-year streak without a no vote on the board.

One source, who asked to be called Lee, criticized Jaskiewicz: “It’s not easy covering up payments to the Illuminati.  Roger had a bad week, and it took him longer than expected.  He should have stayed quiet and voted yes… especially if he knows what’s good for Bolingbrook.”

David K. Nowicki, an expert on the Illuminati, believes enhanced membership in the Illuminati is a waste of money:  “All you need to do is designate three points in a community and draw a triangle to connect them to meet the requirements. I can designate The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Clow Airport, and The Promenade Bolingbrook as points on the triangle. Once people see a triangle, then the power of Pareidolia kicks in, and they imagine more Illuminati symbols in Bolingbrook.  I could have saved Bolingbrook $2 million if Claar had just asked me.”

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by unofficial Bolingbrook spokesperson Charline Spencer: “The Illuminati died out in 1785.  Bob needs to resign for the good of Bolingbrook and let Roger pick the best person for the job.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Thank for your help at the last meeting.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said, “Sure thing coach!  In the football game of Bolingbrook politics, I will play any position you want me to.”

“I will remember that.”

“So, if I can ask, what are you going to do about the DACA residents in Bolingbrook?”

“Do I look like an immigration official?”

Also in the Babbler:

North Korean agents to kneel in front of the White House
Sources: International Humanist and Ethical Union banned from Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook witches vow to protect Bolingbrook football team
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/12/17

Web Exclusive: Babbler denounces vandalism against Mayor Claar (Mixed)

Like many residents, we were shocked to learn today about the vandalizing of Mayor Roger Claar’s home.  His house was spray-painted with swastikas, his US and Bolingbrook flags stolen, and a message was left demanding his resignation.  Rachel M. Tuszynski, a Bolingbrook resident, is in jail and awaiting trial in October.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The staff of the Babbler condemns this crime against Claar and his family.  We can disagree without resorting to vandalism and threats of violence.  Regardless of the motivation, this act is unacceptable.

Some issues divide Bolingbrook, but we believe most residents will join us in condemning this attack against Claar.  We cannot solve our disagreements through violence. Bolingbrook is better than this.

‘Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising’ filming in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Eight years after the release of the Tour with the Mayor, filming has started on the sequel.

“The first movie was good,” said Lee X. Williams, director, and an employee at Barber’s Corner Media.  “But it had some problems.  Sometimes it felt like (Mayor Roger Claar) was promoting a magazine.  Other times it felt like Roger was promoting Bolingbrook.  I still don’t understand why a boxer accompanied Roger.  This time we’re tightening the focus.  This film is going to be laser-focused on Roger talking about his pure vision for Bolingbrook.”

According to Williams, the film will feature Claar visiting several local businesses, including WeatherTech and Ulta.  Williams promises “glowing” interviews from residents and business owners on why they love Bolingbrook:

“As we’ve been doing these interviews, I’ve noticed some common themes:  Diversity, Friendly Business Environment, and love of Roger.  We hope we can highlight them to our audience.”

According to a source within Barber’s Corner Media, there have been hecklers at some of the interviews:

“I’m sure Bolingbrook United is behind some of them….because all real residents love Roger!”

The source provided footage of some of the incidents.

In the first video, Claar is confronted in front of Masjid Al-Jumu’ah.

Man:  Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but how would you feel if I said we should ban all Christians from the US?

Claar:  I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work.  Hillary Clinton had ethical problems too.  At least Trump promised to shake things up, and he has.  I got what I voted for!

Man:  But if Trump’s immigration policies had been enacted, Bolingbrook would have never become the diverse community it is today.

Claar:  Maybe.  Maybe not.  It doesn’t matter.  I saw you standing two blocks from a Bolingbrook United member.  That means you are not a resident.  You are a foe, and right now I don’t have time for foes.  (Claar turns towards the camera.) You are editing this out, right?

Williams: Yes.

In the second video, a woman interrupts an interview taking place at Ikea.

Woman:  Excuse me, Roger.

Claar:  I’m busy.

Woman:  This will only take a second.  Whenever I visit my friends, I have to admire their garbage cans on wheels.

Claar:  They’re called Toters.

Woman:  I love them.  You don’t have to look at unsightly bags in the morning.  If they’re ripped, the toters offer a layer of protection.  What’s not to love?

Claar:  They’re unsightly, cost money, and you can save the village money by keeping your garbage in the garage, and not putting the bags out until the morning.  That will keep the skunks away.

Woman:  What about the stray dogs, stray cats, coyotes, mice, rats, and moles?  A garbage toter offers more protection than a simple bag.

Claar:  Just because Democrat cities use them, doesn’t mean we have to change 25 years of garbage policy!

Woman:  Warrenville and Rochelle use totes, and they’re not run by Democrats.  I can buy my own, right?

Claar:  No.  They’re still unsightly.  If we are forced to change the law, I will make sure that you have to keep them in the backyard.  I hope they don’t force me to allow toters because I don’t want to subsidize garbage cans.

Woman:  You subsidize a luxury golf course, and you don’t want to subsidize an awesome garbage solution?  Besides, who are you to tell me what to do on my own property?

Claar:  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and you’re not a resident.  Only my foes care about garbage!

Woman:  Bonnie was right!  You are a communist fascist!

Claar:  You’re out of this video!

Williams says Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising will debut on YouTube sometime in 2018.

When reached for comment, the receptionist said the mayor was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Sheldon told me God wants him to be a trustee right now.  What do you think?

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “That depends.  Do you really want God telling you how to run Bolingbrook?”

“You just had to phrase it that way.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar rejects ‘soda rebate’
Chicago ghosts to march against gun violence this weekend
Claar forms secret committee to prepare Bolingbrook for a hurricane strike
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/20/17

Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)

Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17

Web Exclusive: Psychic frightened by vision of Bolingbrook in 2065 (Fiction)

Long time Bolingbrook psychic Mona was so frightened after her vision of the future, that her screams prompted neighbors to call the police.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The future is doomed!  Bolingbrook is doomed!  We are doomed!” – Mona said, according to residents.

Officers managed to calm her down and did not arrest her.

Afterwards, Mona spoke and  provided a transcript of her vision to the Babbler.  She claims her vision was from a Village Board Meeting in the year 2065:

A priest, holding a water bottle, enters the board room.  The all male audience members stand.

Priest:  Let us praise our Mayor in Heaven

Audience (Raise their hands):  For he built our infrastructure, banished the flood waters, purged the warlords, guided our ancestors through the great chaos, then ascended to Heaven.  He has always has been and always will be our mayor.

Priest:  Be seated.

The audience sits down.

Priest: Before ascending to Heaven, our Mayor in Heaven appointed the Keepers of the Water to be his voice on Earth.  Every four years, our Mayor in Heaven selects a Vice-mayor to administer his Earthy affairs.  Today, Our Mayor in Heaven has selected George Brown to be his Vice-mayor.  Come forth, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown steps forward, and the priest puts a golden mask on him.  The mask vaguely resembles current Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

Priest:  You will now be known as the Vice-Mayor.

Brown:  I serve at the pleasure of our Mayor in Heaven.

Brown sits in a chair next to a large chair that hasn’t been used for decades.  

Brown:  My trustees will take their seats.

Five men wearing black robes walk on stage and go to their seats.

Brown:  By serving as my trustees, you agree to accept a vow of silence for the next four years.  Any who speak during the next four years will be known as a Jask.

Audience:  The Jask was the servant of the she-devils who tried to dethrone Our Mayor in Heaven.  The she-devils fooled the residents into voting for them.  Voting is evil.  Women are evil.  Evil is not allowed in Village Hall.

The trustees take their seats.

Brown: Some residents bought illegal trash toters to collect rainwater.  This has angered our Mayor in Heaven.  He has denied us — has denied us rain.   He has taken water from our wells.  He has turned our lawns brown as punishment.  So I turn to the Keepers for guidance. What must we do to regain Our Mayor In Heaven’s love?

Priest:  The She-devils’ minions want us to believe in global warming.  They lie to us about Bolingbrook becoming a desert.  We must resist their lies.  The demons are hoarding Lake Michigan water.  Our Mayor in Heaven has told me of a clear path to salvation.  First, we must launch another crusade to liberate Lake Michigan’s water from the demons.  Then we must expand the Golf Club to show Him that we still love him.

Audience:  We will fight!

A woman runs towards a podium.

Woman:  Lies!  All lies.  There never was a Mayor in Heaven.  Bolingbrook had more than one mayor in its past!

Priest:  Wicked liar.  Donate to the Holy Campaign fund, and I may absolve you of your sins.

Woman:  The last elected mayor was Roger C. Claar.  He led us into the great chaos by supporting President Donald Trump.  There were never any Keepers of the Water.  There was an organization called Heart Haven Outreach, and it was founded by a woman!

Audience gasps.

Brown:  You’re are in denial of the truth.  It requires more faith to believe that Bolingbrook was founded by mortals than to believe in our Mayor in Heaven.  It is also insanity to think that a woman could have founded our faith.

Security guards approached the woman.

Woman:  It is true.  We must embrace real truth again if we are to survive the great drought.  Join the resistance!  Let us become a United Bolingbrook once again!  Science forever, not religion!

The woman runs out to the boardroom.  Guards follow.

Priest:  Our raiders will catch her, and purify her in the bathtub of faith.  May she no longer be at risk of becoming a she-devil.  Let us now have a moment of silence, for the millions who died for the chaos frog.

Mona said that her vision did not have to become reality:  “If we want to see another mayoral election, we have to get rid of Trump.  Roger is a good man, but I don’t want a future where residents are forced to worship him!”

When this reporter called Village Hall for a comment, a receptionist replied that Claar was busy interviewing an intern and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charline, you are a very unusual woman, but you have your uses.  Now I can’t offer you a job here, but Barber’s Corner Media has a job waiting for you.”

“Cool!  Thank you, Roger.”

“You’re welcome.  Once you’ve been hired, I will provide you with assignments.  You’ll be our unofficial spokesperson.  I hope you don’t mind dealing with the Babbler every week day.”

“Not at all.  Thank you.  How did you persuade Barber’s Corner Media to hire me?”

“Back in the 90s, the firm’s owner recorded a song about my favorite street.  You can stream it on your phone.”

“Let me listen.  Oh my God!  It’s obscene!”

“Yes, that was my initial reaction.  When I confronted him, he apologized and offered to help me any way he could.  That song turned into a birthday party with infinite gifts!”