By Reporter X
“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified. “They must have had help from the Space Jews. They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”
The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base. The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.” He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.” Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.
“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.
The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!” When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes. Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.
Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked. The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it. The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters. The men fell to the ground screaming.
“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy. “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder. Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.” He screamed. “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”
After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away. They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.
“You can’t arrest us!” shouted Clint. “We’re trying to make America great again. You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”
After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them. According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.” He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.
“I don’t care about the color of your skin. I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”
The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail. One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington. They needed more people.” An email to their website was not returned.
A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.
In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene. I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”
“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.
“Wait a minute. You rigged the poll?”
“No. I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote. The proper term is pharyngulate. They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”
“That wasn’t nice Charlene. You’re an evil atheist.”
“I self-identify as amoral. Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook. Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”
“I don’t need your help, Charlene. God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”
“Oh please. First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you. Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy. I loved Leroy. Roger loved Leroy. Jackie loved Leroy. How many terms did he serve as mayor? Third, you won’t win the pity vote. Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”
“Yeah. ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy. Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him. Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again. You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”
“Participation trophy? That’s not what being the mayor is about. You really are mean.”
“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative. I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self. I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election. Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”
“La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me. STEM is good. Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”
Also in the Babbler:
Rep. Roskam: My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18