By Reporter X
Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines. Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”
State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base: “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth. I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country. Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts— It hurts us. I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence. I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”
Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go. No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up. I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them! They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives. I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”
When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.” He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.
Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten: “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow. We could use someone like him in Congress. Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs? Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”
Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.
A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist. He doesn’t have time for your nonsense. Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District. Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys. I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well. Hey! Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”
In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive. Is that true?”
“You tell him Sean!” said a young woman.
“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten. “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable. Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident. I would be held accountable for that. Of course, she would never steal my car. It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”
“You suck!” said the young woman. “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”
“You just earned my vote, Sean.”
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