Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

UFO crews are forcing abductees in Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District to watch Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign ads. 

“It’s either we make them watch the ads,” said Zodole from Kepler-62f, “Or we have to pay double the normal abduction fee.  What choice do we have?”

Mary, who asked that we not use her last name, described her experience:  “I was floating in the air, and I thought I was having a dream.  After I went into the light, I found myself in a white room.  Peter then appeared in front of me.  He said that he wanted to talk to me while aliens were examining me.  I told him to release me.  He ignored me and started talking about his opponent Sean Casten and something about (Rep. Nancy Pelosi).  I said Nancy Pelosi never abducted me, and you just did.  Then he started talking gibberish.  I later realized I was really talking to a hologram, but it looked and acted just like Peter.”

Joshua, who also asked that we not use his last name, called the ad an uplifting experience: “At the time, I thought God took me to Heaven and revealed that he was really Peter.  So, that meant that all this time he wasn’t speaking nonsense.  He was speaking in tongues!  The real reason we hardly see Peter in our district is that if anyone looks at him too long, they’ll die.  Sadly, I later realized that I was actually watching an ad on a UFO.  Still, that means Peter is out of this world!”

Zodole said she hated the ads:  “Most of the time, the ads just upset our subjects.  I remember one woman who accused Peter of taking away deductions for state and local taxes so he could pay for tax cuts for the rich.  It’s supposed to be an interactive ad, but, honestly, I think something went wrong during the recording.  Either that or Peter really is mentally dense for a human being.”

Polly, a member of Liberate IL06, denounced the ads:  “Sean Casten’s campaign is hosting standing room only events.  Peter is so desperate for an audience that he has to ask aliens to force residents to watch his ads. We deserve better than the man who dictated Trump’s stupid tax plan!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, which regulates abductions in Chicagoland, defended running the ads. An unsigned statement from the department read: “We have always allowed advertising by our visitors. Ad revenue allows more visitors to conduct science experiments in Chicagoland.  Revenue from the abductions funds Bolingbrook.  Our taxes would be much higher without abduction revenue.”  The letter also refused to state who is paying for the ads but did say that  Roskam’s campaign isn’t paying for them.

Sean Casten refused to comment on the ads:  “All I will say is that I have never worked at Clow UFO base.”

A man then walked into the room, saying: “Your Mom and I are going to be working on a roast.  So we won’t see you for two weeks.”

“Dad!  You don’t need to work on a roast.  Help me make pub burgers instead.”

“The roast is a family tradition.  I have to defend it.  This will be the best roast ever!”

“I got in trouble the last time you made a roast.  Help me make a pub burger instead.  It will be fun, and you won’t be accused of food poisoning.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Reporter.  We were not having a coded discussion about a Super PAC.”

Roskam could not be located in the district and did not reply to this reporter’s voicemails and emails.

Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb. 

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use.  I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public. 

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!  

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter: 

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property.  My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse.  He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage.  I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far!  They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event.  We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before.  Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army! 

I don’t hate gay people.  I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook—  and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!  

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force.  We stood up to Cook County last year.  We will do it again.  Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County!  Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today.  As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them.  They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters.  Remember, anyone can post a web comment.  Only a select few will have their letter published by me.  Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court dismissed skeptic Michael Shermer’s lawsuit against Clow UFO Base, the Escape Velocity Blog Network, and Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Instead of wasting this court’s time with frivolous lawsuits,” stated Judge Kilos Surgon in her decision. “He should just stick to lecturing about his questionable hypotheses, and keeping his appendages to himself.”

The lawsuit stemmed from an investigation of an incident in February at a skeptical symposium at Clow UFO Base.  A disciplinary board, lead by Claar, found Shermer guilty of inappropriately touching an alien on stage during a panel.  The ruling was then reported by the Escape Velocity Blog Network, an interstellar organization that distributes “electronic social justice content from non-interstellar civilizations.”

Shermer’s lawyer, Charles X. Smith, argued that the conviction was flawed, and caused irreparable harm to Shermer.  He explained that the sentence of Shermer relied on eyewitness testimony, which he claimed is always unreliable.  “No one can remember all of the details of everything in their lives. Therefore eyewitness testimony should never be allowed in any court.”

Smith also argued that video evidence of the event shouldn’t have been considered.  “Video evidence can be faked.  Look at all the UFO videos on YouTube.  Unless you can prove with 100% certainty that the video wasn’t faked, it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Smith also noted that Escape Velocity distributes material from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.  “They value distributing material that makes my client look bad.  My client simply wants to be compensated.  He is the supplier.  They are the consumer.  This court should respect the capitalistic market and give my client money.”

The defense lawyer, Joan Z. Parker replied that Claar’s investigation was proper.  “Eyewitnesses were interviewed in a way that reduced the risk of contamination of their testimony. Also, the witnesses were discussing someone they were very familiar with.  The videos were examined and were not tampered with.  Michael only received a warning for his actions and will be escorted during future visits to Clow.  He is also still a member in good standing of the Illuminati, and The Skeptics Society is still the official skeptical organization for the Illuminati.  I should also note that people still cite his article on the lifespan of civilizations — even though he is not an anthropologist. In short, if this court allows this lawsuit to proceed, then every human believer in UFOs and the paranormal should be allowed to sue Michael for damages done to their reputations!”

The judge dismissed the case with prejudice, and Smith said Shermer would not appeal.  “We really thought we had a good case and could overcome Clow’s army of professional lawyers.  We know better now.  At least Michael didn’t have to pay for my services.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting with the mayor of Naperville and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care what your press releases said.  Your incinerator is sending smoke into my village and annoying my residents!  I can respect that you fooled the EPA into approving it, but I won’t tolerate you offending the noses of my voters!”

A man who sounded like Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico laughed.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Taking directions from Bolingbrook politicians is not part of that reputation.”

“I too have a reputation, and taking ‘no’ for an answer is not part of it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Congressional candidate Sean Casten denies soliciting funds from aliens.
Representative Peter Roskam buys ad space on UFOs
Romeoville Mayor blames New World Order for his DUI arrest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/29/18

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s covert budget posted on village website (Fiction)

For the first time, Bolingbrook’s covert budget is posted on the village’s website.  It is encoded within the seemingly blank pages of next fiscal year’s public budget.

“I don’t care if a village staffer messed up, or someone from the Chamber of Commerce screwed up, or an Illuminati chaosmatician decided to have some fun,” said Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, during a secret meeting of the village board. As a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United party, Jaskiewicz demanded the removal of the file.  “The fact is, we have a budget on our web page that is classified as beyond top secret, and anyone with the right equipment can read it.  Don’t any of you realize that there are secret societies that are hostile towards Bolingbrook?  I hope my colleagues will pull the covert budget from the web page, and not waste any time trying to spin this debacle against me.”

“Oh we will find a way to blame you, Bob,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the ruling Bolingbrook First party.  “We just need to take a few weeks to scrutinize every Facebook post you’ve ever written.”

Mayor Roger Claar said there was nothing to worry about:  “The average resident won’t even download the file.  Most of the people who will bother to download it, like Mrs. Giamanco—”

“Jaime Olson.”

“Whatever!  The point is, she and her fellow foes won’t be able to read the covert budget.  If I find out that anyone can read it, they will get a special visit from the Men in Blue.”

Claar then scolded Jaskiewicz: “Once again, you are bringing up a problem in a meeting, and making my staff look bad.”

“I must be the only one who notices when things go wrong,” stated Jaskiewicz. He then turned towards the other trustees and said: “Did any of you notice that our secret budget is on the Internet?”

The trustees shrugged.

“Damn it, Bob,” said Claar.  “Now you’re making my trustees look bad.  If you noticed a problem, why didn’t you do something about it.”

“I just found out about it an hour ago,” Jaskiewicz replied.  “I left messages with the village attorney and you.”

“Bob!  You are supposed to fill out Form 3798i, perform the Illuminati Rite of Correction, then hand it to the Grand Scribe in Harvey.”

“You never told me that, and you know I can’t go to the Illuminati because I’m a member of the New World Order.”

“This is why opposition trustees should be banned in Bolingbrook.  Only Bolingbrook First members get the full orientation.”

The covert budget is still online.  Experts contacted by the Babbler have partially decoded it.  Notable items include:

  • Clow UFO Base is still expected to show a profit, despite a decline in traffic.  The village plans to save money by no longer buying display ads on the far side of the moon.
  • Bolingbrook will increase spending on anti-ghost training and equipment by 20 percent.
  • The WeatherTech Restaurant at Clow UFO Base will expand and still pay no rent.  “The restaurant may contribute monetarily to the Base, but it does provide a value-added service that makes Clow one of the most attractive bases on Earth.  It also allows WeatherTech to profit off of its plastic scraps.”

From the Webmaster: Trav Mamone ask a good question about skeptical communities (Mixed)

Fellow Freethought Blogger Trav Mamone asks a good question over at The Establishment: Why are Secular Skeptic Communities Failing to Address Sexual Crime?

What is most troubling about the Krauss story is how many in the atheist movement knew about his reputation before the BuzzFeed article came out, including this writer. If secular communities want to provide a better alternative to religious institutions, why didn’t anyone confront Krauss sooner? Why are Shermer and Carrier still given a platform despite having similar accusations to those levied against Krauss?

We’re wondering about this as well. Trav has some good ideas, but we have a feeling they wouldn’t agree with some of our thoughts on the matter.

Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party demands answers (Fiction)

Ten members of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party picketed in front of Clow Airport to demand an investigation into the death of radio host Art Bell. 

“We’re just asking questions,” said Art Bell party leader Michael Faith.  “Like, will (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) create a panel to verify no resident was involved in Art’s death?  For that matter, where was Roger yesterday?  Can he account for his whereabouts at the time of Art’s death? We want to know, and we think that every true Bolingbrook resident wants to know, too.”

Bell, who started the paranormal-themed radio show  Coast to Coast in 1988, died 4/13/18 at his home in Pahrump, NV.  At its peak, Coast to Coast was syndicated on 500 radio stations and had 15 million listeners.  In 1996, Bell was the first to report Chuck Shramek’s claim that a UFO was following Comet Hale-Bopp. Though stories about the alleged UFO may have inspired the Heaven’s Gate cult to commit mass suicide, Bell denied any responsibility for the incident.

“Art Bell taught us to not accept the official truth,” said Faith.  “So many other residents believe Bolingbrook is an average suburb, and Clow is only an airport.  There still are residents who laugh when I tell them Clow Airport is just a cover for a UFO Base.  Art opened our minds to the truth, and the Babbler told us the truth.”

Jane Z. Cantor, who will be running for Village trustee in 2019, believes there are too many coincidences surrounding Bell’s death:  “Why are we just now debating garbage toters?  Why was American Atheist president David Silverman fired before Art’s death?  Why were atheists holding a convention after Art’s death?  Why is there suddenly interest in organizing Bolingbrook Gay Pride events?  We want answers, and we’re going to keep asking until we hear what sounds like the truth!”

Faith believes Bell was about to make a major announcement about Bolingbrook:  “Could it be that Art was going to announce Clow UFO Base? Could the announcement have involved a scandal?  Could it be that someone in the village didn’t want that information to come out?  We need to know the facts, and there cannot be even a hint of doubt about the innocence of any village employee or official.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar,  said: “So Charlene, how is purging the Bolingbrook Friends page going to help me?  It’s supposed to be a friendly page about Bolingbrook.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Roger.  You don’t understand the full power of this group.  I’m going to show you with this post.  Let me borrow your account.”

“Let me see.  Wait.  My daughter has epidermis?  Of course, she has skin.”

“I just posted it.  Now refresh your browser.”

“Wow!  Look at all these thoughts and prayers!”

“Exactly.  It’s not a matter of having a Facebook Page with the most members.  It’s about having a Facebook page with the right members.”

“I see.  Well, I’d better delete this post before my daughter reads it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources say PZ Myers really loves his cat
Syrians agents set off stink bombs in Chicago
Russian weather attack fails to stop OrbitCon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/18

I’m going to OrbitCon! (Non-fiction)

OrbitCon, an online conference similar to the old FTBcons, is this weekend, and I’m going to be on the Steven Pinker panel with HJ Hornbeck.  I’ve spoken at Skepticamps in Chicago before, but this will be my first online panel.

Is the invisible hand of civilization guiding us to a better future?  Find out what we think on Saturday, April 14 from 7 p.m to 8 p.m. CDT.

The conference itself runs from April 13 to April 15, and the schedule of panels and speakers is here.  Recordings will also be available on YouTube.

I hope to see some of you there.

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Professor Steven Pinker failed to inspire attendees at a New World Order symposium that was held at the Sheraton Lisle.

“We’re not going to win the war with the Illuminati if our leaders think Steven Pinker is an inspirational leader,” said Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois.

During his speech, Pinker decried the “negativism” within the New World Order.  “Whenever I talk to people, I always hear negative anecdotes. Those stories, circulated by social justice warriors, are hurting morale.  Let’s look at what science and statistics say.”

As an example, Pinker said that the New World Order controlled zero percent of the UFO Bases in 1928.  Today, the New World order controls 40 percent of the UFO bases around the world.

A member of the audience protested that from 1986 to 2016, the New World Order controlled all the UFO bases in the world.

“You’re looking at the wrong time frame,” Pinker replied.  “We didn’t control any UFO bases in 1928 and today we control UFO bases.  That’s progress, and we should celebrate that instead of worrying about the UFO bases we no longer have.”

“But we’re still losing UFO bases!”

“But the general trend is an increase in UFO bases from 1928 until the present.”

“But the New World Order wasn’t formally organized until 1971, and we only became independent from the Illuminati in 1986. We had nothing to do with the first human managed UFO bases.”

“My point still stands,” Pinker concluded.

Pinker also noted the decline in the mortality rate during the war with the Illuminati.  “You are now less likely to die fighting the Illuminati than you were just two years ago.”

“But we’re still fighting,” another audience member protested.  “And our casualty rates are still high.”

“But the mortality rate is decreasing, and we should be celebrating that instead of focusing on negative statistics.”

“But before 2016, there was no fighting at all.”

“My point still stands.  Incidentally, I’m not going to let our minor conflict or all the wars the United States is involved in, stop me from saying that we are living in an era of long peace!  Why aren’t the hippies celebrating?”

While many were disappointed in Pinker’s speech, morale did improve later in the symposium.  During a cover band’s performance of Ministry’s “New World Order,” noted skeptic Cara Santa Maria danced onto the stage then started speaking.  “Let’s be honest.  This is a dark time for the NWO.  We’re losing ground, and the beautiful world we were creating now looks like a mosh pit.  A mosh pit filled with Illuminati drones.  They look scary, but do you know what is even scarier?  A world without the NWO, that’s what.  A world without vaccines.  A world without peace and stability.  A world without science and reason.  A world overrun with religion and woo.  Do you want that world?  Because I don’t want to live in that world.  Now when I look out at the global mosh pit, I don’t see the scary Illuminati.  I see a pit filled with frat boys.  Frat boys who think they’re tough, but have never been in a real mosh pit.  They look tall and strong but give them one good hit, and they’ll crumble.  Look at me.  I’m not strong.  I’m not tough, but I’m willing to dive into the pit because I believe in the NWO, and science has taught me the best places to hit them.  If I’m willing to jump into the pit, there’s no excuse not to join me.  If we all jump into the global mosh pit, we will drive out the Illuminati because they are corporate rock, and we are alternative rock.  Novus ordo seclorum!”

Maria dove off the stage and into the crowd.  Hundreds of NWO operatives started moshing and throwing chairs.  There were no serious injuries, but several suffered minor cuts and bruises.  No one could provide an estimate for the damages caused to the convention room.

After the symposium, Bob Novella, co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, offered his thoughts:  “Steven’s speech was a letdown, but that performance by Cara got me fired up.  I’m ready to go back to the SGU and fight even harder for the New World Order.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village official purges Facebook page
RationalWiki: We will never mention the Babbler!
Residents report zombie skunk sightings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/11/18

Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored Qanon for her controversial conspiracy theory Internet posts.  The secret ceremony was held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club:.

“Qanon’s work is inspiring Trump’s supporters around the world,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Instead of believing Trump is helping the Illuminati create global chaos, many now believe Trump is the mastermind behind an elaborate plan to bring down the deep state.  Instead of believing that Robert Mueller is investigating our President, many Internet thought leaders now believe Robert is really working for Trump.  Join me in welcoming and honoring Qanon. Ford!”

After Claar finished performing the glowing orb ceremony, Claar presented Qanon with the Adam Weishaupt Award for Excellence.  Qanon wiped away her tears before starting her acceptance speech: “Before I shoved my father into the HARP chamber, he said I would never amount to anything.  Dad, if you can see me from Hell, I want to say this: You suck!”

Qanon described her assent from the Illuminati scribe pool to a low-level Internet seer.  She admitted that she wasn’t satisfied with her career, but then her mentor gave her a special assignment:  “He tasked me with creating a post that would fool Trump supporters into thinking Donald was a political mastermind.  He explained that his high seers couldn’t get very far without suffering from uncontrollable laughing fits.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to help.”

She then explained how she created the first few posts: “I decided to use one of the oldest tricks in the book.  I just took pieces of various conspiracy theories, padded a few random facts, and threw in a photo every so often.  I hinted that Trump was a mastermind, and I implied that the truth would be revealed to the world any minute now.  Then, I let their imaginations run wild.  It worked better than I thought.”

According to Qanon, her posts on 4chan have spread to Reddit and Twitter.  She claims that there are over 92,000 YouTube videos about her work, PZ Myers hates her, and InfoWars editor Jerome Corsi writes about her posts. She stated:

“When Roseanne featured my work in one of her tweets, I knew that I had made it.”

Qanon does not expect her Internet notoriety to end any time soon.  “No one wants to think of themselves as an average Internet user.  They want to see themselves as geniuses.  They think they see the Matrix.  They think they’re special.  The Illuminati can and will use that to their advantage.  We can make a transgender allegory seem like an affirmation of ridged gender identity.  We can make administrative entropy seem normal, and we can make Donald Trump look like a competent President. Together we will tear down the New World Order, destroy International cooperation, and conquer the human race.  Fnord!”

After leading the audience in a chant of “Fnord,” Claar asked if Qanon could help with his political troubles.  She replied that she could and asked Claar for a list of nouns and adjectives.  After typing for a few seconds, she read a draft of a post:

What do they really mean by ‘Toters?’ Who is RJ working for?  JT?  467.  Is there only one Bob?  Where is Bonnie?  Learn Monopoly.  You are not stupid. RC fighting CCD.  Victory is near.  Guns will be coming back to Bolingbrook.  Line not secure.  Must go.  Think Raiders.  The Legend of Billie Jean.  Roger means business.  Business is good.

“Interesting,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar accused of planting anti-toter aliens at garbage forum
Aliens praised for shooting down rouge Chinese space station
Gay aliens demand Bolingbrook host a pride parade
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/18

Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents are annoyed by noisy, radical geese encampments in the village.

“I can’t sleep because of all their honking!” said Brenda, who did not provide her last name.  “If they’re not going to respect me, I won’t respect them!”

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the gaggle is made up of radical geese who are protesting suburban development.  “To them, Bolingbrook is a symbol of human colonization and exploitation of the Earth.  In their eyes, we take up too much space and are destroying their nesting sites.  Some are mad that their old nesting grounds have been replaced with townhomes, strip malls, and an overpriced golf club.  They’ve had enough, and they’re drawing the line in Bolingbrook.”

An anonymous source claims to have seen a gaggle harass Mayor Roger Claar.  “He was walking towards Village Hall when they accosted him.  They kept honking at him, and he kept shouting: ‘I don’t understand any of you.  Go away!’  When he got to the front door, he turned around and said: ‘Until you can either vote for me or donate to my campaign fund, I won’t listen to you.’  Then they marched on his patio for a few minutes before flying off.”

James, another resident who did not provide a last name, said he sympathized with the protesting geese. “We feed them food that’s bad for them, like bread and popcorn.  It not only discourages them from migrating, but it gives them malnutrition.  Then, as we grow the suburbs, we start taking away their homes.  They have a right to be mad at us.”

Instead of trying to kill geese, James urges Bolingbrook residents to stop feeding geese, and for Village Hall to preserve the remaining green spaces in Bolingbrook.  He also called for more “sustainable development.”

“Bolingbrook is so spread out that you pretty much have to have a car to get anywhere.  We should focus on building more sidewalks and bike lanes, as well as more pedestrian-friendly subdivisions.  These would help reduce our carbon footprints and make Bolingbrook a friendlier place to live.  Sure Bolingbrook is great, but if we don’t adapt, things will get worse.  We should always be trying to improve.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was taking an urgent phone call and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So Dana, you don’t like the letter I sent to the governor. You’re going to do what?  Good luck with that.  The NRA’s money is poison, and its getting its (expletive deleted) handed to it by teenagers.  So no, I won’t allow the sale of AR-15 assault rifles across the street from Bolingbrook High School. And I stand by my call for discussion and action to raise the legal age of gun ownership to 21; ban bump stocks and high capacity magazines; toughen background checks, and increase the waiting period for all firearms.  Do my job?  I am doing my job.  My job is to protect Bolingbrook.  Your job is to sell more guns by creating an atmosphere of fear and anger.  I’m not going to help you do your job!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens peacefully protest gun violence
Village warns residents not to shoot the Easter Bunny
Moses spotted in Schraeder Park
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/18