Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)


Many Bolingbrook residents are annoyed by noisy, radical geese encampments in the village.

“I can’t sleep because of all their honking!” said Brenda, who did not provide her last name.  “If they’re not going to respect me, I won’t respect them!”

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the gaggle is made up of radical geese who are protesting suburban development.  “To them, Bolingbrook is a symbol of human colonization and exploitation of the Earth.  In their eyes, we take up too much space and are destroying their nesting sites.  Some are mad that their old nesting grounds have been replaced with townhomes, strip malls, and an overpriced golf club.  They’ve had enough, and they’re drawing the line in Bolingbrook.”

An anonymous source claims to have seen a gaggle harass Mayor Roger Claar.  “He was walking towards Village Hall when they accosted him.  They kept honking at him, and he kept shouting: ‘I don’t understand any of you.  Go away!’  When he got to the front door, he turned around and said: ‘Until you can either vote for me or donate to my campaign fund, I won’t listen to you.’  Then they marched on his patio for a few minutes before flying off.”

James, another resident who did not provide a last name, said he sympathized with the protesting geese. “We feed them food that’s bad for them, like bread and popcorn.  It not only discourages them from migrating, but it gives them malnutrition.  Then, as we grow the suburbs, we start taking away their homes.  They have a right to be mad at us.”

Instead of trying to kill geese, James urges Bolingbrook residents to stop feeding geese, and for Village Hall to preserve the remaining green spaces in Bolingbrook.  He also called for more “sustainable development.”

“Bolingbrook is so spread out that you pretty much have to have a car to get anywhere.  We should focus on building more sidewalks and bike lanes, as well as more pedestrian-friendly subdivisions.  These would help reduce our carbon footprints and make Bolingbrook a friendlier place to live.  Sure Bolingbrook is great, but if we don’t adapt, things will get worse.  We should always be trying to improve.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was taking an urgent phone call and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So Dana, you don’t like the letter I sent to the governor. You’re going to do what?  Good luck with that.  The NRA’s money is poison, and its getting its (expletive deleted) handed to it by teenagers.  So no, I won’t allow the sale of AR-15 assault rifles across the street from Bolingbrook High School. And I stand by my call for discussion and action to raise the legal age of gun ownership to 21; ban bump stocks and high capacity magazines; toughen background checks, and increase the waiting period for all firearms.  Do my job?  I am doing my job.  My job is to protect Bolingbrook.  Your job is to sell more guns by creating an atmosphere of fear and anger.  I’m not going to help you do your job!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens peacefully protest gun violence
Village warns residents not to shoot the Easter Bunny
Moses spotted in Schraeder Park
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/18