Rochelle Reader: Rep. Roskam calls for nuking Bolingbrook during debate at UFO Base with Sean Casten (Fiction)

From time to time, we feature articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article is from the Rochelle Reader in Rochelle, IL.

By Reporter X

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

During an IL06 Congressional debate broadcast across the solar system, Representative Peter Roskam advocated nuking Bolingbrook. He called for this in response to the recent uprising at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook:

“Nuke it from orbit,” said Roskam in front of his audience at Hub 35 UFO Base in Rochelle, IL.  “It’s the only way to be sure.”  He added that he saw the movie, The Thing.  “When dealing with aliens, you have to be absolutely sure that you kill every one of them: Otherwise you end up with bad sequels.”

The audience, consisting of constituents who work either off-world or at UFO bases, gasped.

Sean Casten, Roskam’s Democratic opponent, dropped his jaw.  After a few seconds of silence, he attacked Roskam:  “You just seriously advocated for detonating a nuclear device in the middle of Chicagoland?”

“This is Sean being an extremist,” interrupted Roskam. “Sean is saying we shouldn’t use any nuclear weapons, and let our world be overrun by aliens.  Now I’m sure some of my colleagues would argue for using a hydrogen bomb to destroy all of Chicago.  Both sides are wrong.  We should take the moderate position of using a small device and checking the wind patterns before setting it off.  That will ensure that no real resident of the Illinois Sixth Congressional District is harmed.  We need sensible solutions, and I’m the only candidate in this race that will provide them.”

“People will still be killed, and the fallout will leave many areas uninhabitable for generations.  You’re in the middle of something,  but I don’t think it’s the middle of the Overton Window.”

“Lighten up,” replied Roskam.  “This is a science fiction convention.  Everyone here knows that the best part of a science fiction film is when the hero creatively uses explosives to solve a problem. Also, as a Congressman, you don’t think about other districts.  You only think about the interests of the ideal voter in your district.”

Casten then accused Roskam of having a  “deliberate ignorance” about the existence of UFOs, and of current federal interstellar policy:  “Peter, you know that as a member of Congress, you can attend the weekly UFO briefing.  Yet you have never attended any briefings.”

“What briefings?”

“They occur during the meeting of the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending.”

“I can’t make those meetings.  That’s when I spend quality time alone with my maps.”

During the closing arguments, Casten stated that he didn’t agree with the takeover of Clow UFO Base, but did agree with the protesters that the US needs to change its immigration policies.  “I have a seven-point plan to reform immigration, and I will vote for the DREAM Act because the DACA recipients in our district are hard working and deserve a path to citizenship.”

Roskam then made science fiction, and fantasy comments during his closing statement:  “Like Jedi Spock Frodo said, ‘I am the last best hope for peace with Panem.’  The real residents know that I will bring Soylent Green to our district.  A congressman has a name, and it is Peter Roskam!” He then laughed.

Joel, a resident of this district who works on Venus, said he was still undecided: “On the one hand, Peter Roskam removed SALT— which means I can’t deduct the taxes I paid on Venus-which may mean I can’t afford to work off-world.  Do you know how expensive air conditioning is on Venus?  On the other hand, Sean did say that Peter shouldn’t be our congressman, which is kind of uncivil.  It’s a hard choice to make.  Sean is a scientist, a businessperson, and a former Clow employee.  Peter is Peter.  What can I say?”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement after the debate: “Bolingbrook is in no danger because the Bolingbrook First party donated $1000 to Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign.  He’s just saying what he needs to say to get elected.  We’re sure that once he is reelected, he will vote the way his donors want him to vote.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian bots attack Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Aliens release immigrant children from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook United says it will only run human candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/18

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Space aliens capture Clow UFO Base and demand fair treatment for immigrants (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced that it had evacuated all humans from Clow UFO Base.  The move follows a week of protests by aliens against US Immigration policy, some of which became violent.

“As a precautionary measure, we have closed Clow UFO Base and sealed the access points,” said spokesperson Joan Armstrong.  “Clow Airport is still open. There is no danger at this time to the residents of Bolingbrook.  Though some aliens are stealing supplies from the airport.”

Armstrong added that residents should prepare themselves for the possible declaration of a “state of minor annoyance,” but did not state what that would involve.

“If we told you, then you would tell everyone, including the foes of Bolingbrook.  We need to keep the foes of Bolingbrook off-guard.  We ask the residents to trust that (Mayor Roger Claar) will act in the best interest of the real residents of Bolingbrook.”

The Coalition for the Respectful Treatment of Sentient Beings, which claims to represent the protesters, released a statement claiming that they had full control of Clow UFO Base:  “This weekend, we stand in solidarity with the thousands of human protesters fighting for immigrant rights.  We, too, oppose the forced separation of families, and indefinite family detention.  Human leaders say they want to someday immigrate to our planets.  Our reply is simple.  Don’t immigrate to our worlds until you fix your immigration policies first.”

Claar refused to give an interview, but the Department of Interstellar Affairs did release the following statement from him:  “Invaders have disrupted operations at Clow UFO Base.  Even though the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Illuminati partially own Clow, it is ultimately my base!  I have nothing to do with US immigration policy or immigration policy in Hungary, Denmark or Italy. These are not innocent protesters.  These are operatives working under the direction of the New World Order, hostile interstellar powers, and the Bolingbrook United Party.  They will be defeated, and the Illuminati will help me to retake Clow.  All foes must show me complete civility by next week, or be destroyed! Ford!”

Armstrong also blamed Representative Bill Foster for the situation at Clow UFO Base:  “Representative Foster’s irresponsible statements regarding immigration have inspired the criminals responsible for the disruption of operations. We need more Congressmen likeRepresentativee Peter Roskam who will keep the government out of interstellar affairs.  His willful ignorance of the existence of aliens is refreshing, and we hope will inspire real Americans to build a Red Seawall to stop the Blue Wave!”

A spokesperson for Foster laughed before ending the call.

In a video chat, an intern for the Roskam campaign denied that the Congressman was willfully ignorant of aliens:  “Peter wants solutions to real problems.  Space aliens aren’t a real problem for the residents of the Sixth District.  In fact, Peter is about to talk to the third constituent he’s met during this campaign.  This is history!”

The camera then focused on Roskam knocking on a door.  A young woman opened the door.

“Hello,” said Roskam.  “I am Representative Peter Roskam, and I am running for re-election.  I love maps, and this map says you live in a Bernie Sanders Household.  Like Bernie, I don’t like the Clinton-controlled Democrat Party.  I too want to replace Obamacare.  Sean Casten supports Obamacare.  Don’t you think this means he’s a secret Crooked Hillary supporter?”

The woman turned her head inside and yelled, “Guess who finally showed up?”

Another woman walked up to the doorway.  “Peter,” she cried.  “You finally came!”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Amanda Howland.  I ran against you in 2016.  Now that you’re here, we can finally have our debate!”

Roskam ran away and pulled out his cell phone.  Howland ran after him.

“You’re not getting out of our debate this time!”

Also in the Babbler:

Local super-villans celebrate the closure of Villains and Heroes Academy
Mayor Claar promises not to ban Internet comments about the board meetings
Sean Casten meets with paranormal believers in Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/6/18

Web Exclusive: New World Order awards UFO bases to Peotone and Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

At a press conference in Joliet, The New World Order announced that it will build UFO Bases in Peotone and Palatine.  Both bases are expected to compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which has been controlled by the Illuminati since 2016.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

“Will County may never get a major airport,” said County Board Speaker Jim Moustis, “But we are getting a new UFO base.  I think we’ll be the only county in the country with two bases.  Just think of all the tax revenue we’ll receive.  Oh, and we’ll also be one of the most important counties in the galaxy.  You can’t forget that.”

Moustis announced that District 4 Board Member Jackie Traynere will be in charge of the county’s new Interstellar Affairs Committee:  “I wanted to appoint someone from the Republican Party, but we couldn’t get around the fact that she worked the hardest to secure this base, and has the most experience dealing with our new taxpayers—I mean aliens.”

Traynere laughed and thanked Moustis:  “Our new base will allow us to reduce the tax burden on residents of Will County.  More importantly, it will allow the board to fully fund all of its public services.  Personally, I hope that we use the extra money to provide single-payer health insurance to our residents.  At the very least, it will provide the county with resources to survive the coming chaos President Trump is going to inflict upon our country.”

Moustis shook his head.

Christian Cairy, a former candidate for Will County Board, announced that he supported the new base. (That is why he decided to withdraw from the race.) He also added that the New World Order tried to get him thrown off the ballot.

“You didn’t need to forge that Democratic ballot, but I guess it worked out because I wanted out of the race.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) was creeping me out with his Illuminati rituals.  He wanted me to drink from the Cup of Chaos, then sign a contract using ink mixed with my blood, his blood, and the trustees’ blood.  Then Roger introduced me to an alien.  It wasn’t a little green man.  It looked disgusting.  Roger said if I swore allegiance to the Illuminati, the alien would take me on a trip to Uranus. Ew!  Anyway, The NWO promised to rewrite my memories so I can go back to being an ordinary Republican.  I can’t stand knowing that the Babbler was always right.”

Cairy asked that Traynere not miss any more meetings and promise not to impose taxes on Amazon purchases.  Traynere replied her new job should give her time to attend all the meetings, and that Amazon has been paying the Illinois sales tax since 2015.

NWO administrator Thomas Xavier announced that Palatine will also get a UFO Base.  While Peotone’s base will specialize in freight transport and warehousing, Palatine’s base will specialize in passenger service and cultural exchanges.

“For years, Cook County has begged us for a UFO base.  The problem is we didn’t want to deal with the Chicago political machine, but we couldn’t deny the advantages of a base located inside Cook County.  Then, it occurred to us that if we located the base in Palatine, it would still be in Cook County, but far enough away from Chicago that Rahm Emanuel’s influence would be limited.”

Xavier then said he had to leave to give Mayor Jim Schwantz the good news:  “I’m going to have to explain aliens and secret societies to him.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he learns the truth.  However, I don’t look forward to telling him that he won’t be able to tell Representative Peter Roskam about the base.”

Neither Claar nor Schwantz could be reached for comment.

A video chat request to Roskam was answered by an intern:  “Look, I don’t know if Peter is a Democrat or Republican, but I do know that there’s no such thing as UFOs.  Why don’t you cover the real news?  Like right now is the second time Peter has spoken with a resident on the campaign trail.  Do you know how rare that is?”

The camera turned to show Roskam talking to a man sitting in a wheelchair.

“Thank you for defending the Americans with Disabilities Act,” said the man.

Roskam smiled.  “It’s the least I could do since I’m taking away your health care and Social Security.  You’re welcome.”

Alien protesters shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Since Friday, aliens protesting US Immigration detentions and “human mismanagement of Earth,” have shut down Clow UFO Base. The protests are the largest and most disruptive in Clow’s history since 2016 when aliens protested a Trump fundraiser. (The fundraiser took place at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.)

UFO“Today, Trump will go after humans with dark skin who cross an imaginary line,” said a masked alien addressing one of the many roving bands of protesters.  “Tomorrow, his Space Force will come after us!  The next day, he will drug our children instead of their children.  The day after that, he will declare war against the galaxy.  We won’t let it get that far. Let’s show Homo Sapiens that we will resist tomorrow!”

Some protesters are chanting, “Humans are horrible,” and staging sit-ins at various offices and embassies.  Others have parked their UFOs on the launch pads and are refusing to move them by claiming that they require parts that need to be ordered from their home planets.  Some of the protesters claim to have set up “autonomous zones,” and are enforcing them with combat robots.

“We have a very fluid situation at Clow UFO Base,” explained Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We hope all residents will support (Mayor Roger Claar’s) efforts to restore law and order at Clow.  I’m sure the residents will understand if Roger declares a state of minor annoyance within the village.”

Neither Armstrong nor other department officials clarified what a “state of minor annoyance” would entail for residents.

An anonymous source close to Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said Jaskiewicz was in negotiations with the protesters to return control of Clow back to the village:  “Bob is very sympathetic to the concerns of the protesters.  He supports the humane treatment of all who seek refuge in the United States and believes in due process.  Bob is working with Roger and all the trustees to bring peace and justice to Clow.  Humans can improve!”

Other sources claim that Claar sought assistance from Melania Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO bases in the United States.  According to the sources, Trump replied by saying, “I might help you, but first you need to help me.  Which jacket should I wear to my meeting with the Martian Colonial ambassador?  The one that says, ‘I really don’t care. Do U?’ or the one that says, ‘Work sets you free?’”

When called for a comment, a receptionist said Claar was telephoning his Facebook critics and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “You wrote that I am a straw man.  I’ll have you know that there is no straw anywhere in my body.  I am fully human!  How dare you accuse me of being a scarecrow!  What?  Why, yes I am a master debater!  I’ve been practicing for nearly forty years!”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order to hold a press conference in Joliet
ICE cancels raid at Bolingbrook Village Hall
Illuminati and New World Order fighting for control of Bolingbrook Pride
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/30/18

Mayor Claar’s android double malfunctions at Village Board meeting (Fiction)

Anonymous employees at the Village of Bolingbrook’s IT department confirm that Mayor Roger Claar’s android double malfunctioned during the 6/12/18 board meeting. 

“It almost shifted into combat mode during the Trustee Comments portion of the agenda,” said Blake, who asked that we not use his real name.  “That would have been embarrassing since now we’re broadcasting each meeting on Facebook, and people were actually watching the stream that night.”

According to the employees, the android detected two former members of the opposition group Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook in the audience— Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, and Robert Bowen— as well as Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.

Alice, another employee who asked that we not use her real name, explained:  “I didn’t realize it at the time,  but Roger 2.0 can’t distinguish between someone attacking a viewpoint and a physical attack.  Someone, I won’t name him, forgot to add that small but important piece of code to his programming.  So anyway, when 2.0 saw those people in the audience, it assumed that it was about to be physically attacked.  That’s why it was about to go into combat mode before I hit the manual override button.  This same someone thought it was more important to create a ‘cool’ android rather than a safe android.  I could say something about programmers watching too much anime, but I won’t.”

She went on to explain that in override mode, the android couldn’t talk.  So, she called Claar and told him that he would have to control the android from his study at home.

“Roger wasn’t happy,” said Alice.  “He said he was about to post an epic rant on Facebook, and I was ruining his concentration.  I told him that if he didn’t take over, the android would be mute for the rest of the meeting.  Since people were actually watching this meeting on Facebook, it would be in his best interest to take over—  Unless he wanted residents wondering why he was speechless after (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s) comments.  Roger said some words to me that you can’t publish, then took over.”

Blake said he was glad no one was killed but was disappointed in how the meeting ended:  “Roger 2.0 was going to give a speech about the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic.  It would have been the first coherent speech written by an AI.  Instead, Roger decided to complain about people complaining on Facebook.  I still can’t believe it.  Don’t print this, but I don’t think Roger 1.0 would have passed the Turing Test that night.”

Blake also explained that this was the first significant test for the android.  “Sure the Bolingbrook First trustees use android doubles at all the meetings.  But honestly, it doesn’t take much computational power to vote yes and praise Roger.  This was the first step in Roger’s goal of a fully automated Village Board!”

Alice is less optimistic:  “This is really part of Roger’s dream to upload his brain into an android so he’ll be the mayor of Bolingbrook forever.  What Roger is going to figure out is that he’ll only be able to upload a copy of his brain to an android.  The soul, for lack of a better word, will still be with him.  Plus the copies will get degraded over time.  He’d be better off investing in stem cell research to keep himself alive forever. If he asked me.  He won’t.”

When asked to comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was at a debriefing, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Z. Spencer said: “So what did you think of the Pride Picnic?”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “There were a few good things, and there was one bad thing about it.  It was a family-friendly event.  There were no communist newspapers.  The men didn’t wear Speedos.  The women were clothed.  The attendees were friendly, and I made a new ally.”

“Great.  I’m glad you went and found some good things.  So what was the bad thing?”

“No VIP tent.”

Also in the Babbler:
New World Order to announce the location of new Illinois UFO base this week
Psychics predict Mayor Claar will tweet within the next 20 years!
Space Alien arrested after threatening to separate Claar from his family
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/18

Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

From the Webmaster: Why we need events like the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

On the eve of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic and Puppies event, I’d thought I should point out this article from fellow Freethought member Trav Mamone:

It’s Pride Month. A time to celebrate all things queer and trans, remember those who lost their lives in the struggle for human rights, and explain—again—to straight people why there’s no Straight Pride Month. This false equivalency boils down to the common misconception that LGBTQ people like myself are celebrating something we didn’t achieve through hard work, like being born with a certain sexual orientation or gender identity. What people fail to realize is we’re celebrating something we achieved: all the accomplishments the LGBTQ rights movement has made so far, and that we choose to love ourselves in the face of bigotry.

You can read the rest here.

As Mamone also points out, there is still more work to be.  Last year Sarah Sanders said the administration believed that business have the right to refuse service to gays.  President Donald Trump is currently trying to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military. Kansas and Oklahoma now allow adoption agencies that receive taxpayer money to deny adoptions to gays for religious reasons.  In Illinois, Jeanne Ives almost won the primary race for Governor despite running a flagrantly transphobic ad.

So tomorrow, let’s celebrate the first Pride event in Bolingbrook.  It is a significant milestone that should be celebrated.  Let’s also remember that there’s more to be done and that the progress that’s been made still needs to be defended.

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign accuses Sean Casten of being a space alien (Fiction)

Anonymous members of Representative Peter Roskam’s election campaign are spreading rumors that his opponent, Sean Casten, is a space alien.

The Roskam campaign claims this photo is proof that his opponent, Sean Casten, is an alien.

“There’s something not right about Sean,” said one source.  “He sounds smart, but he’s too smart.  Like, a highly intelligent alien pretending to be a human.”

“Exactly,” added an anonymous campaign member.  “Rock musician?  Scientist?  Father?  Business leader?  Athlete? Doesn’t it all seem too good to be true?  Like an alien pretending to be the perfect political candidate?”

When asked for evidence that Casten is an alien, they produced an “enhanced photo” of Casten taken at a candidates forum in Palatine, IL.

James, who asked that we not use his last name, or state his position in the Roskam campaign, conceded that the photo was weak evidence:  “But if you combine this photo with our questions, enough people might believe he’s a space alien.  The rabble, I mean the voters, will turn against Sean, and we’ll win!”

Brian Z. Buckman, A spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said their investigations back in 2007 prove Casten is human:  “While you can’t prove a negative, we were able to confirm his birth on Earth, his human physiology and his educational background.  The background information on Sean’s website is correct, except he doesn’t mention the years he worked at Clow UFO Base.  I can say that he had excellent employee evaluation scores, but that is all I can say.”

Another member of the Roskam campaign, who asked to be called Anne, said charges are based on “political reality,” and not on “science-based facts.”

“You have to look at where we stand.  The good news is most people in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District are familiar with Peter.  The bad news is most of those same people hate him.  Fortunately, the rabble —I mean voters— know very little about Sean.  So Peter’s ordered us to throw everything at him.  Not just the kitchen sink, but the plumbing too.  That’s why we’re trying to create a political reality in which Sean is a space alien.  It might cost him votes, and those votes could be the key to our victory.”

Anne said the “enhanced photo” of Casten will be distributed to paranormal websites, and to InfoWars sometime next week.

A phone call to the Casten campaign was answered by a staff member.  “Alien?  Sean is talking to an IL06 resident and doesn’t have time for your nonsense.”

In the background, a man said, “Who cares if the planet dies?  I only care about making my business profitable.”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “You do realize there are no profitable companies on a dead planet?”

The other man paused, then said, “I never thought of it that way.”

A call to the Roskam campaign was also answered by a staff member.  “If people want to believe Mr. Casten is an illegal liberal space alien, we won’t stop them.”

In the background, Roskam said, “Hi.  I’m Representative Peter Roskam.”

“Roskam?  You’re the one who keeps interrupting my family dinners with your ‘phone-in’ town hall meetings.”

“I’m better known as the leader who cut your federal taxes.”

“You wrote that plan?  Thanks to you, I can no longer deduct state and local taxes, and your plan threatens Social Security and Medicare.”

“You’re welcome.  Anyway, I’ve selected your household to be the only one I visit this year.  You should be honored to be the only commoner I will talk to this election cycle.  I want to hear the thoughts of a real American like you.”

“Here’s what I think.”

This was followed by the sound of a slamming door.