Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s covert budget posted on village website (Fiction)


For the first time, Bolingbrook’s covert budget is posted on the village’s website.  It is encoded within the seemingly blank pages of next fiscal year’s public budget.

“I don’t care if a village staffer messed up, or someone from the Chamber of Commerce screwed up, or an Illuminati chaosmatician decided to have some fun,” said Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, during a secret meeting of the village board. As a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United party, Jaskiewicz demanded the removal of the file.  “The fact is, we have a budget on our web page that is classified as beyond top secret, and anyone with the right equipment can read it.  Don’t any of you realize that there are secret societies that are hostile towards Bolingbrook?  I hope my colleagues will pull the covert budget from the web page, and not waste any time trying to spin this debacle against me.”

“Oh we will find a way to blame you, Bob,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the ruling Bolingbrook First party.  “We just need to take a few weeks to scrutinize every Facebook post you’ve ever written.”

Mayor Roger Claar said there was nothing to worry about:  “The average resident won’t even download the file.  Most of the people who will bother to download it, like Mrs. Giamanco—”

“Jaime Olson.”

“Whatever!  The point is, she and her fellow foes won’t be able to read the covert budget.  If I find out that anyone can read it, they will get a special visit from the Men in Blue.”

Claar then scolded Jaskiewicz: “Once again, you are bringing up a problem in a meeting, and making my staff look bad.”

“I must be the only one who notices when things go wrong,” stated Jaskiewicz. He then turned towards the other trustees and said: “Did any of you notice that our secret budget is on the Internet?”

The trustees shrugged.

“Damn it, Bob,” said Claar.  “Now you’re making my trustees look bad.  If you noticed a problem, why didn’t you do something about it.”

“I just found out about it an hour ago,” Jaskiewicz replied.  “I left messages with the village attorney and you.”

“Bob!  You are supposed to fill out Form 3798i, perform the Illuminati Rite of Correction, then hand it to the Grand Scribe in Harvey.”

“You never told me that, and you know I can’t go to the Illuminati because I’m a member of the New World Order.”

“This is why opposition trustees should be banned in Bolingbrook.  Only Bolingbrook First members get the full orientation.”

The covert budget is still online.  Experts contacted by the Babbler have partially decoded it.  Notable items include:

  • Clow UFO Base is still expected to show a profit, despite a decline in traffic.  The village plans to save money by no longer buying display ads on the far side of the moon.
  • Bolingbrook will increase spending on anti-ghost training and equipment by 20 percent.
  • The WeatherTech Restaurant at Clow UFO Base will expand and still pay no rent.  “The restaurant may contribute monetarily to the Base, but it does provide a value-added service that makes Clow one of the most attractive bases on Earth.  It also allows WeatherTech to profit off of its plastic scraps.”