Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)


By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb. 

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use.  I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public. 

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!  

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter: 

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property.  My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse.  He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage.  I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far!  They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event.  We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before.  Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army! 

I don’t hate gay people.  I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook—  and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!  

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force.  We stood up to Cook County last year.  We will do it again.  Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County!  Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today.  As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them.  They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters.  Remember, anyone can post a web comment.  Only a select few will have their letter published by me.  Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18