Why I have come to detest April Fools Day

Remember when you were kids, and people would prank each other with mild little jokes, and it was OK at first, and then it would get a bit tiring as the day went on, and as you got older the tiring phase would come earlier and earlier in the day? Well, I’m 61 goddamn years old, and the tired bit started at 12:01 am, like it does every day.

But that isn’t all. The fools have taken over, 365 days a year. Have you heard of Q/Anon? Here’s the inside dope.

There is a high-ranking official in the government calling themself Q, who is privy to dramatic state secrets that they have chosen to reveal on 4chan. Q claims the country is actually run by a gigantic pedophile ring (this is an echo of PizzaGate) fronted by the Democrat party, and that Donald Trump is a super-genius who has been playing 13-dimensional chess with everyone. Robert Mueller isn’t actually investigating Trump; that’s a ploy to distract everyone, while Mueller is actually preparing surprise indictments against Obama and the Clintons, basically overthrowing all of the Democrats and vindicating himself while saving the entire country from child-traffickers. Any day now it’s going to happen. Obama and Hillary will be in jail or kicking from a gibbet s o o n. It’s a weird old scam built on obscure, cryptic fragments of text delivered to a receptive audience that built one of the scummiest citadels of hate and lunacy on the internet, touted by conspiracy theorists like Roseanne Barr and led by rat-fucking cockroaches like Jerome Corsi.

If you’re one of those pitiful poseurs who think some goofy blog post or twitter comment or facebook meme is the high-larious highlight of your wit and humor, give up. Q/Anon has outpunked us all. There’s no further point to even trying.

I suggest we repeal April Fools altogether. Or maybe recast it as November Fools and schedule it for the day after our elections, cause we all sure got screwed on that date in 2016.


  1. microraptor says

    Wow, and I thought my opinion of Rosanne couldn’t possibly have gotten any lower. April fools on myself, apparently.

  2. Callinectes says

    My experience of the tradition is that the pranks are supposed to stop at midday, and those who continued where thereafter derided as the April Fool.

  3. jrkrideau says

    I blame the fluoride in the water. Lead pipes in Rome did not bring out this level of madness.

  4. says

    Oh, God. The Rosanne “Multiple Personalities” Barr who made false claims of incest against her father and aunt?

  5. robro says

    My best experience of April 1st was to join I Fratelli Bologna’s Saint Stupid’s Day march to the Pacific Stock Exchange (since gone I think) where we left socks and bondage gear at the building. Then on to the Bank of America building (now some other bank, I think) where we celebrated at the large decorative stone in front, appropriately dubbed “The Banker’s Heart” by the venerable Herb Caine who had a knack for naming public art.

    Per Wikipedia, it’s also Edible Book Day (aka the International Edible Book Festival).

    Wednesday is 1984 Day.

  6. randall says

    I’ve always noticed that thaese conspiracies always assume there is on omnipotent power that will effect all these happenings and arrests and whatnot and yet they seem to be counting on the very thing that they are railing against? Isn’t that taking cognitive dissonance a little far?