A rocket sled crash-landed in Bolingbrook after shooting through the air at supersonic speeds. Miraculously, no one was killed or injured. The crash only resulted in minor damage to a street.
Eyewitnesses as far north as Round Lake Beach claim to have heard a sonic boom as the sled flew through the sky:
“I heard this loud boom,” said an anonymous eyewitness from Lake Zurich. “My daughter yelled that Santa’s sleigh was on fire. I looked where she was pointing. I saw this red dot in the sky, with a trail of black smoke behind it. I was so shocked that I told my daughter Santa wasn’t about to die in a sleigh accident because he isn’t real. She hasn’t talked to me since. I hope you’re happy that you ruined my daughter’s Christmas, Mr. Rocket Man.”
Monique, a Lisle resident who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw the rocket sled descending over her home: “At first I thought many in the lying media were wrong about Santa, and he was about to visit me. Then I realized that his sled was dropping too fast to safely land. I tried to wave him off, and I think I succeeded because another rocket fired and he gained altitude. I believe in Santa now, even if he almost destroyed my home.”
Seconds after Monique’s sighting, the sled crashed into Royce RD and tumbled several yards down Concord LN, then came to a stop just short of Clover Lane.
Lenny, a Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, saw the crash landing: “That flying sled almost hit my car. I’m never driving down Royce RD again!”
After police and firefighters surrounded the sled, a man stepped out of a pod inside. Eyewitnesses agree that he was wearing a charred Santa Suit, the remains of a fake beard, and a crash helmet. He raised his right fist into the air.
“I just proved that Santa doesn’t exist!” He said. “There’s no way he travels at supersonic speed and makes precision stops at every home on Earth! He’s impossible, just like that old blog post said!”
Minutes later, Mayor Roger Claar appeared and scolded the pilot. Claar told him that it was fortunate that no one died, and that the only damage was a few dents on the road.
The pilot reached for his fireproof wallet and pulled out a credit card.
“How much can I legally donate to your campaign fund?”
Police immediately arrested the pilot but released him about an hour later. (Claar said he didn’t want to be known as “The mayor who arrested Santa” ). Some eyewitnesses say Claar told the pilot he was banned from Bolingbrook unless he agreed to do community service in Bolingbrook. “The Girl Scouts and Power Connection don’t count.”
Mayor Claar and the pilot could not be reached for comment.
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