Tensions rise as Space Force and Martian Colonial Fleet increase patrols over Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force Logo

Citing unrest on Earth, both the United States Space Force and the Martian Colonial Fleet announced increased patrols in the Bolingbrook area.  Both sides have bases in Bolingbrook.

“Space Antifa is invading our country!” said Peter Z. Miller, spokesperson for the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion stationed in Bolingbrook.  “They are attacking Kenosha, have a beachhead in Portland, and are sabotaging Chicago!  We will not let suburban housewives in Bolingbrook be subdued by these aliens.  We will not let them destroy your home values.  Our battalion has a message for the Colonial Fleet: You will not survive our storm because where we go one, we go all!”

The Martian Colonial Government released a statement defending their increased patrols in Bolingbrook:  “Earth’s meme pandemic threatens the safety of all visitors to Bolingbrook.  Clow UFO Base may be sealed off from human traffic, but its staff members are still endangered by the meme infected humans surrounding it.  Our new effort will protect members of the Interstellar Commonwealth, and deter the space weaklings from harassing our solar system!  Some humans in Bolingbrook might be also protected as a result of our actions.”

According to eyewitnesses, new patrols have already created tense situations. Several eyewitnesses at the March on Bolingbrook reported an apparent near-miss between a Space Force interceptor and a Colonial destroyer.

“The UFO was just hovering over us,” said Tasha, who asked that we not use her last name.  “It wasn’t bothering us.  Then these weird airplanes charged at it.  I was worried that they were going to collide.  Instead, the UFO became translucent and the airplanes flew right through it like it was a ghost ship.  I guess the UFO was protecting us.  It’s nice to know that aliens believe that black lives matter.”

Other eyewitnesses claim that soldiers from both sides nearly shot at each other at the Bolingbrook Portillo’s.

“I was nervous when I saw those two men wearing blue camouflage,” said Mary, who asked that we not use her last name.  “They were eyeing two Black men I’d never seen before.  Then one of the camouflage guys yells he’s under attack and starts firing at us.  I thought we were goners, but his shots were blocked by a force field.  The two Black men stood up and said something in a weird language.  The camouflage guys said something about coming back with better weapons.  Things are really getting bad around here.  My friends say I should vote for Trump to save us from Joe Biden.  But I don’t remember the country descending into anarchy when Joe was the Vice-president.”

Steve, another eyewitness, added: “The scary thing is, if I had thrown my shake at those shooters, and gotten killed, people on the Internet would say I deserved it and then bring up my dirty laundry.  When did it become a crime to defend yourself from a mass shooter?”

The eyewitnesses said the Men in Blue arrived and both soldiers left.  Patrons were offered refunds for their meals and were told not to tell the mainstream media what happened.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “You know, instead of being divided by party, we should try to work together as one big family.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “That’s why I nominated you to be the mayor.”

“Great.  So you understand why it’s important for a family to speak with one voice during a crisis?”

“What are you getting at?”

“What I’m getting at are the new COVID mitigation measures our region is under.  Every voter hates them, and we don’t want the voters to hate us, right?”

“I hate them too, but what’s your solution?”

“We need to make sure that every time we mention them, we point out that they were imposed on us by the state and county.  So Bolingbrook voters will blame (Governor JB Pritzker) and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) instead of us.”

“Wait a minute.  We shouldn’t be pointing fingers.  We should be taking the lead to get this virus under control in Bolingbrook.  Maybe we should be following the University of Illinois’ example and encourage mass testing of residents.  Then we can have the infected people isolate themselves until they’re no longer contagious.  We could also explain that the virus is airborne and it’s safer to serve customers outdoors instead of indoors.  Then we can get the positivity rate down and be an example for the rest of Illinois to follow.  Let’s show some real leadership for once!”

“You just have to be the pariah of our family, don’t you?”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: Death of Trump supporter in Portland is wrong too
Generation ship crew agrees to avoid Earth on election day
Will County confirms interplanetary absentee ballots will arrive from Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/20

Web Exclusive: Interstellar court arrests conservative lawyers for attempted genocide (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

Conservative lawyers who attempted to reopen Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and embarrass Illinois Governor JB Pritzker lost their case and were arrested for attempted genocide.

“No law or procedure can override the Interstellar Commonwealth’s ban on genocide,” said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.

The lawyers, who work for the Illinois Interstellar Policy Institute, argued that Pritzker cannot extend his emergency orders regarding food service workers at Illinois’s UFO Bases.  Therefore, Clow UFO Base should be reopened, and Pritzker should pay restitution to the Weathertech Restaurant.

“Weathertech is running out of space to store its plastic scraps,” argued David X. Smith, Esq. “We have to reopen Clow so Weathertech can spend its money on executives bonuses instead of storage rentals.”

“What about the health and safety of the residents of Bolingbrook?” asked Surgon.

“What about it?” asked Smith.  “We’d never profit if we worried about people’s health.  That’s socialism!”

“And?”

“It’s socialism!”

“So?  Socialism does not automatically mean authoritarianism.”

While the Village did not send a lawyer on its behalf, the Union of Clow UFO Base Culinary Workers argued against reopening.  Pat Z. Leonard, Esq. argued that Pritzker had nothing to do with the lockdown of Clow UFO Base.  Former Mayor Roger Claar ordered to close Clow, she argued, and it was granted by the Illuminati, the secret pages in the Illinois Constitution, and Article VIII of the US Constitution.  Article VIII is also known as the “Secret Society Article” and has never been released to the public.  Leonard concluded by stating even the preamble of the US Constitution gives both Pritzker and current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta the authorization to lockdown Clow UFO Base.

“There’s no tranquility during a pandemic.  A viral invasion of this magnitude requires a common defense.  There is no general welfare when everyone is sick.  Citizens are deprived of liberty when they are hospitalized or dead.  There is no prosperity when citizens are afraid to work or shop.  Both the governor and the mayor swore to uphold the US Constitution.  With hospitalizations rising in Illinois, it would be unconstitutional for either of them to reopen Clow UFO Base!”

Leonard concluded that even with Clow’s anti-viral technology, the use of masks, and social distancing, there was still a risk of the virus infecting crew and aliens.  Some aliens could even spread the virus throughout the galaxy.

Smith countered: “My Constitution says it is important to own a gun and have the libs!  That’s why this court must rule in our favor and find ways to humiliate the governor if he refuses to obey.”

“Even if people get sick?”

“Freedom is important!  Besides, the greater crime is that the JB removed a bathroom so he could reduce his property taxes.  That’s what we should really be focusing on.”

“Do you have me confused with that Clay County judge?”

Surgon asked if the IIPI planned on bringing its executives back to its offices.  The judges laughed and said they weren’t essential workers, but “important thought leaders.”

Surgon then ruled against the IIPI and ordered the arrest of the lawyers on genocide charges.

“My clients are innocent,” said Joe V. Zimmerman.  “We plan on arguing that any form of punishment or accountability violates our clients’ religious liberties.”

Leonard praised the ruling:  “The coronavirus is a serious threat to the wellbeing of our state and our galaxy.  My clients and my firm will do anything do defend our UFO Base and our residents from the virus and its COVIDots allies!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Antifa rescues Trustee Michael Carpanzano (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa claims it rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano from unidentified federal officers.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank.

Part of their press release read: “As much as we can’t stand that self-promoting, Trump-loving piece of (*expletive deleted), he didn’t deserve to be captured by Trump’s stormtroopers!  We hope that by giving him a second chance, he will appreciate our efforts to fight fascism!  Though we suspect he’ll instead double down on the Republican party’s efforts to turn the word ‘freedom’ into a meaningless cliche…”

According to various sources connected to Bolingbrook Antifa and Carpanzano, Carpanzano was leaving village hall when masked federal officers stepped out of an unmarked van and accosted him. The officers, each carrying an assault rifle, grabbed Carpanzano and pulled him towards the van.  Carpanzano cried out to nearby police officers, but they ignored him.  

After he was pushed into the van, Carpanzano cried out: “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Michael Carpanzano, the mayor of Bolingbrook Patch!  Let me go right now, or I’ll block all of you on Facebook.  Trust me, you don’t want to be carped!”

As the van drove away from Village Hall, the anonymous officers accused Carpanzano of being a Black Lives Supporter.  Carpanzano insisted he was a Trump-loving Republican and that he was sure Trump knew who he was.  The officers accused him of lying and showed him a printout of an article about Bolingbrook’s Black Lives Matter march back in June.  

“If you weren’t the organizer of this anti-suburban march, why are you so prominently featured?”

“I was against the march at first, but when it didn’t turn into a riot, I decided I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get positive press coverage!”

Carpanzano, according to the sources, insisted that he loved the police.

“They don’t seem to love you.”

At that point, Bolingbrook’s Antifa tank crashed into the unmarked van.  Activists threw tear gas into the van and pulled Carpanzano out.  The officers tried to recapture Carpanzano but retreated when the activists fired “non-lethal rounds” at them.

“How do you like your own medicine?” one activist yelled back.

The activists treated Carpanzano and drove him back home.  According to the sources, Carpanzano called them “An-tee-fa” and said they were the real fascists.

An activist replied: “Never heard of them.  We are Antifa, as in anti-fascism.  Our great-grandparents fought against fascism, and we’re not going to let their actions be in vain.  Tell (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to stand up to the coming fascist invasion and remind him that they will always come for you in the end.”

Carpanzano refused to be interviewed.

A receptionist for Claar said he could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Ms. Benson, I highly doubt that the staff of the Babbler shares your opinions about Trans people.  You need to do better than that if you want to shame me into banning Bolingbrook Pride.”

Also in the Babbler:

Venus announces travel ban to Clow UFO Base
Claar bans alien abduction of children due to COVID-19 concerns
Speaker Michael Madigan asks for political asylum on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Russian special forces soldiers distribute fireworks in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources within the Bolingbrook police department claim that Russian Special Forces are distributing free fireworks to residents.

“Cheap fireworks and bored residents are a bad combination,” said Phil, a police officer who asked that we not use his last name.  “Adding Russian Special Forces just makes things worse.”

Marie, who asked that we not use her last name, claims four Russian Special Forces troops knocked on her front door. They were wearing Hawaiian shirts over their urban camouflage uniforms.  They knocked on her door and showed her a crate of fireworks:

“They asked me to do the Electric Boogaloo with them.  I said if they meant starting the Second Civil War, they needed to talk to my husband.  He came downstairs, and I walked away.  I don’t want to be involved.”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, said a special forces squad parachuted into his backyard:

“I thought about pulling out my gun, but I figured they’d kill me first.  When they presented me with a crate and said, ‘Help us make Bolingbrook sound like a war zone,” I wanted to give them a hug.  I didn’t of course.  War zones sound like fun.  I know Bolingbrook can do a better job of setting off fireworks than the New York Police can.”

While many residents interviewed appreciated the free fireworks, Marie had her concerns:

“It just seems like the Russians want to use the fireworks for something.  I don’t know, like covering up an invasion.  I mean, they did put out bounties on our troops.  Maybe that was just the beginning?”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office and had no plans to come back that day:

“Everyone should listen to Snowy the Bolingbrook Fireworks skunk:  ‘Don’t set off your own fireworks.  Watch Bolingbrook’s fireworks display on July 4th.”

A public service infographic from the Village of Bolingbrook about fireworks.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Cue the dramatic music and the voiceover says, “Call Governor Pritzker today and thank him for saving you from the Illinois Republican Covidiots!”  Fade to black.  You think JB will like the pitch, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “But you work for Roger and the Republicans.”

“I’m trying to diversify my portfolio.”

“But why should Pritzker trust you—”

“Oh come on now.  You liberals love the Lincoln Project, but you guys know they’re going to turn on Joe Biden after Trump is defeated, right?  However, Biden is smart enough to know that he needs their help.  I’m willing to help JB, and hope he’s smart enough to accept it.”

“Until you turn against him.”

“As my grandmother’s favorite band used to sing, ‘Roll with the changes.’”

Also in the Babbler

Clow UFO Base staff prepare for UFO flights diverted from Arizona and Texas
Last Illinois Bigfoot dies from COVID-19
Giamanco Law Partners hires interstellar law attorney
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: IF…then more Americans would be alive today. (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion first published as a Twitter thread by Representative Sean Casten from the Illinois Sixth Congressional District:

Lest we lose sight of why this is happening, and why the US has more deaths than any other country, we need to review how Trump and the @GOP got us to this point. Adjusting for both population and for the fact that the US surge started later, the statistics are damning.
If Trump hadn’t shut down the pandemic response task force, more Americans would be alive today.
If the CDC hadn’t botched their initial tests, and/or used WHO tests that were being used by other countries, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump had listened to scientists and focused on what was true, rather than engaging in magical thinking and lies, more Americans would be alive today.
If FEMA would have coordinated the federal response and distributed materiel according to need rather than personal favors, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have used the Defense Production Act to coordinate the federal response instead of relying on some fetishized, Ayn Rand theory of economics, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have let public health experts take control of public communications during a public health crisis instead of spewing deadly misinformation, more Americans would be alive today.
If the @GOP‘s efforts to repeal the ACA had succeeded, fewer Americans who have contracted COVID would have had insurance, and even more Americans would be dead today.
If the US House in the 116th Congress hadn’t given ourselves the authority to defend the ACA after the Attorney General refused to defend the laws of the United States, the ACA would not exist and even more Americans would be dead today.
If Trump goes ahead with his plan to cut federal funding for COVID-19 testing, more Americans are going to die.
If Trump’s brief to the Supreme Court last night to throw out the ACA succeeds, more Americans are going to die.
And the @GOP is with him. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

(Find articles and reference material for each point on the Twitter thread at this link: https://twitter.com/SeanCasten/status/1276498854439985155?s=20

Bolingbrook Weredog accused of attacking Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs is searching for a weredog accused of assaulting Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk.

Part of a statement from the Department read: “Most of our weredogs are good dogs, but if any weredog misbehaves, we will deal with them.  We encourage Bolingbrook’s weredog packs to be good dogs and turn in this bad dog.  Any weredog that helps will get a treat.”

O’Dekirk, who was recently filmed wrestling with a Black Lives Matter protester, refused to be interviewed.  Sources close to O’Dekirk say he was unharmed but wants the weredog euthanized:

“That weredog didn’t know who he was dealing with. Bob is the toughest mayor in Illinois.  Bob threw that weredog to the ground and pinned him in seconds.  He only let him go so he could deal with a BLM rioter!  I hope Bolingbrook catches that dog so Bob can teach him to heel!”

Joan, a Black Lives Matter protester, offered a different version of what happened:

“I was just holding up a sign and not bothering anyone when Bob walked up to me.  He accused me of rioting and said he was going to ‘soften me up’ before letting ‘his’ officers deal with me.  Of course, this was the day I left my cell phone at home.  Anyway, the man walks up to Bob and tells him to leave me alone.  Bob puffs up and says it’s none of his business.  The man tells him that it is.  This is the scary part.  Bob was about to punch the man, but the man turned into a giant man-dog.  It called Bob a bad human and threatened to rub his face on the pavement.  Bob turned pale and ran away.  I saw him pick up his phone and heard him say: ‘Roger!  Save me!’  The monster said I was a good human then ran away.  I wish we didn’t have a bully for a mayor.”

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura says she has asked the Will County Department of Cryptid Affairs to file charges against O’Dekirk:

“Now Bob is threatening our endangered weredog population.  His toxic masculinity is out of control.  If our department won’t arrest him, then I will have no choice but to run against him in the next election!”

Cornal Darden, who claimed to be the CEO of the Southwest Suburban Black Cryptozoological Society, supported O’Dekirk because he was acting in self-defense.  When presented with a statement that he had been terminated from SSBCS and from the South Suburban Region Black Chamber of Commerce, he said it didn’t matter:

“I am black and I support the mayor.  That all that matters!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was on his lunch break and did not wish to be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It’s not one gathering of a hundred people.  It’s ten gatherings with ten people each that just happen to be behind Village Hall.  As long as each gathering stays six feet apart, the magic force field will protect them!”

A woman who sounded like Dr. Ngozi Ezike, Director of the Illinois Department of Public Health, asked: “Everyone will bring their own food, right?”

“Of course not!  Organizations will be selling food, and we’ll be handing out free hot dogs.”

“Wow.  Is this really an event to die for?”

“Obviously you’ve never been to our Village Picnic!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies firearms sales permit to Limbs ‘R Us
Illinois Republicans vow to increase the COVID-19 infection rate
Jeanne Ives denies recruiting seniors to be ‘Die for Ives’ canvassers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar considers replacing Bolingbrook police with wereskunks (Fiction)

Bolingbrook survives the third day of protests! (Photo from an anonymous reader.)

After an unprecedented third protest this month against police brutality and for racial justice, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar may replace current police officers with wereskunks.

According to documents leaked by sources within the Metropolitan Alliance of Police, Claar will use the cover of a “retraining program” to replace current police officers with local wereskunks.  The wereskunks will be paid with garbage instead of cash.  The documents also state that due to their strength and their bulletproof skin, wereskunk officers will not carry guns nor wear bulletproof vests. 

“We feel that with minimal training, a wereskunk can resolve any criminal situation with fewer fatalities than with our current police force,” stated the author of the report.  “Plus, wereskunks have black and white fur.”

Village officials who confirmed the story say they have no choice.

“We’re surrounded!” said an anonymous village official.  “Our residents are peacefully protesting.  There are peaceful protesters in the suburbs.  Even Wheaton had a peaceful protest!  If we don’t do something, suburbanites will start demanding that police departments be eliminated, just like Minneapolis is planning to do.”

“We can’t be like Minneapolis,” said another village official.  “Who will we complain to if a neighbor plays loud music, or if we see a stranger in our neighborhoods?  This compromise will save our police department, and turn Black Lives Matter into another village festival!”

Peter, who claims to be a wereskunk, says most wereskunks favor the plan:

“Roger takes good care of us.  If we have to hunt jaywalkers to get free access to Bolingbrook’s garbage, we’re all for it!”

Sara, a woman who claims to be a wereskunk, said she opposes the idea:

“This plan will just shift the problem from racist cops to (expletive deleted) wereskunks.  Let’s face it.  Not every problem can be solved with the threat of arrest.  Imagine if social workers were first responders instead of police officers.  More humans might be alive or at least not be in jail if we did that.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed:

“Just between you and me:  The residents are leading the way on racial equality, and our politicians are finally starting to follow them.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course we’re going to be cutting the police budget.  If we don’t get any help, we’ll have to cut every budget!”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied:  “So we can play both sides!  Cutting the police budget will appeal to the protesters.  At the same time, we’ll appeal to the law and order voters by pointing out that (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) promoted a Black Lives Matter event before I approved it.”

“Wait a minute.  Are you trying to turn this crisis into an opportunity to promote yourself?”

“Why not?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens protect Bolingbrook protesters from interstellar racists
Druid vows to flood Royce RD this week
Mayor Claar tells Illuminati to stop spreading chaos in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

“I do not have the words” (Non-fiction)

Rabbi Adam Chalom, Rabbi for Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, and the North American Dean at the International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism, recently posted an essay called “I do not have the words.”

Every nation has laws, but laws do not guarantee justice. Slavery, the Nuremberg Laws, Jim Crow segregation, voter disenfranchisement – all were both legal and unjust. The Insurrection Act of 1807 and later additions legally allow the President of the United States to deploy armed forces domestically; it was used to enforce equal protection during Reconstruction and desegregation, but we greatly fear its use today to suppress our rights.

Therefore, our words and deeds are needed to tip the scale towards justice. We must use our voices and votes and values to be who we say we are. Speak, write, protest, donate, organize, advocate; anything other than asking our way out of this moment.

During the Trump administration, there were times I’ve felt overwhelmed, and other members of my family have said the same.  That was before COVID-19, and Trump testing the limits of martial law in the United States.  But like Adam writes, we may not have the words, but no one else is going to save us.  We are the ones who have to save ourselves.  So I’ll do what little bit I can to stand up to this rise of authoritarianism around the world, and in the United States.  Even if it just involves tweaking the nose of a Mayor who would be king.  🙂