Russians Interceptors attack craft over Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.

“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III.  This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”

According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force.  The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked.  The crew attempted to flee.

Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”

Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)”

Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.

Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.

Watts: Campaign books?

Spencer: Yeah.  We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.

Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?

Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.

Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.

Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.

Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?

Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.

Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?

Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category.  You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.

Also in the Babbler:

Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2022 (Fiction)

Will Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta make history in 2022? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

After failing to predict the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, our psychics made a strong comeback with their 2021 predictions. The psychics correctly predicted the insurrection and that people would escape through tunnels. They also predicted that President Biden would still be in office at the end of the year, and that he would face many challenges.

We believe our psychics are back on track, and we have the utmost confidence in their predictions for 2022. However, please keep in mind that the future is not set, and posting these predictions could alter the future. Just like we believe that there were no petition challenges for the 2021 election because we predicted the election board would throw all the candidates off the ballot.

So here is what you can expect in the new year:

***

The largest Greenland ice sheet collapse in history will cause the largest tsunami ever, devastating the East Coast. Despite the wave reaching portions of West Virginia, Sen. Joe Manchin will refuse to approve disaster relief or support the Build Back Better plan. He will deny that he really wants a massive bailout for the coal industry.

“We have too much debt, and rebuilding the eastern half of our country costs too much. It’s far cheaper for the affected states to be just like West Virginia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Kentucky to recover my yacht.”

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will say she supports rebuilding Washington DC,  but will be blunt in her opposition to expanded disaster relief:

“What’s in it for me?”

***

Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta will raise eyebrows around Chicagoland when she flies the Thin Bread Crust flag over village hall. She will defend her decision like this:

“Delivery Drivers have one of the most dangerous occupations, yet their work is vital to keeping Bolingbrook’s restaurants open. We honor police officers for their bravery, but have yet to honor members of an occupation with a higher fatality rate. This week, I’m correcting that.”

Bolingbrook’s police unions will not comment about her decision until much later.

***

Elon Musk’s love for the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe hosts will grow. Tesla and Space X will spend millions of dollars advertising on the podcast. Musk will also become a regular guest, and his arguments with Dr. Steven Novella over COVID-19 will be legendary. Jay Novella will say, “Man, Elon, just sitting next to you gets me high.”

Musk will arrange for the rogues to ride on the second Starship orbital test flight. The flight will end in disaster when the Super Heavy Booster explodes during takeoff, and Starship crashes into the ocean. The hosts will survive with injuries.

“You know,” Cara Santa Maria will say, “You really should install an escape system on Starship. Even airliners have inflatable slides.”

Despite the initial hard feelings, things will improve when Elon buys the rights to be called the founder of the SGU.

***

In what will be known as the “Cop Coup,” Bolingbrook police officers will arrest the village board before they can vote to legalize all garbage toters. The officers will accuse the board of “conspiring to distribute a federally illegal substance,” because the board were also debating the merits of allowing a cannabis dispensary in Bolingbrook.

As a result, Trustee Michael Carpanzano will be installed as the new mayor of Bolingbrook:

“Gee, I’m getting messages from residents who feel strongly about this sudden police action. Regardless of how you feel, I think we can all agree that the police have a demanding job. So I urge all residents to come together and support our officers. Without them, we would descend into anomie.”

Village Co-Administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman will rush into the boardroom and demand the immediate release of the board because the police budget doesn’t have an insurrection line item. When asked how they intended to enforce their order without the police, the Co-Administrators will reply that they contacted Bolingbrook ANTIFA, and if the police do not stand down, they will post screenshots of every officer’s embarrassing social media posts online.

“All of you will suffer a fate worse than death. You will be canceled!”

The officers will surrender and resign. Carpanzano will step down as mayor. Alexander-Basta will be reinstalled as mayor. She will sentence  Carpanzano to one year of house arrest, so he cannot leave his home.

“As of today, you are grounded!”

Historians will then spend years debating whether Alexander-Basta is the second mayor in Bolingbrook’s history to serve non-consecutive terms.

***

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will become an Amazon best seller in the category of “Books set in Bolingbrook that Don’t Mention Drew Peterson”.

***

When polls suggest the Democrats might keep control of the House of Representatives, Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis will send his Florida State Guard to the temporary national capitol in Chicago to arrest President Joe Biden and all Democratic members of Congress.

“I must do what President Trump failed to do,” DeSantis will say. “I will stop the steal, and I urge all patriotic law enforcement officials to join me. It will work this time because Steve Bannon isn’t involved!”

Biden will respond by mobilizing all military branches to defend Chicago.

“Here’s the deal,” Biden will say. “We have elections. Fair elections. If you want me out of office, vote me out. Don’t send an army. That’s not how we do things.”

As the Florida State Guard and their Russian military “advisors” approach Chicago, Speaker Nancy Pelosi will send out an urgent text message.

“Our Democratic majority is in danger. DeSantis and his Republican army are marching towards us as I’m typing. Democracy is in danger and we might lose the opportunity to talk about passing the John Lewis Voting Rights Act.

“We’re also in danger of missing our FEC monthly fundraising deadline.  If every Democrat like you donates…”

Also in the Babbler:

New UFO noise regulations to take effect in Palatine
Sources say: Russia training new recruits to flood Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups
Valley View mothers urge board to ban the teaching of germ theory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/21

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Former congressman Dan Lipinski triggered a riot at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue. 

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:

“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”

Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters.  According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:

“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”

The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer.  Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.”  He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”

Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.”  When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.

She said:  “As the residents of the #NewIL06 know, the first rap song was actually ‘Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),’ and you can only find real Chicago-style pizza at Home Run Inn.”

Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”

“Hey,” Casten replied. “Just because I used to be a CEO does not mean I’m a Corporate Democrat. I have very nuanced views about climate change and universal healthcare.”

“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”

Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me.  I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”

The riot started moments later.

Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order. 

According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked.

“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”

“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”

At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated:  “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”

Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”

Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.”  She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”

Also in the Babbler:

Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

ACLU statement: Kyle Rittenhouse didn’t act alone (Non-fiction)

I agree with the ACLU that law enforcement must be held accountable for their role in Kenosha shootings on 8/25/21:

As our investigation illustrates, approximately 40 local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies responded to the protests in Kenosha, utilizing various forms of force against protestors. This massive show of force failed to keep people safe — and in fact facilitated grave harm by pushing protesters into close proximity with Kyle Rittenhouse and other armed white civilians. The violence that night is a further reminder that well-resourced law enforcement agencies are failing to protect and even harming the communities they are sworn to serve. It’s time to acknowledge this failure and invest in measures that actually keep communities safe.

I know people who have lived or are living in Kenosha. The verdict is disappointing, but not surprising. There should be changes to Wisconsin’s self-defense laws, but due to Gerrymandering, it won’t happen. More likely, we’re going to see more political violence from Rittenhouse fanboys, and possible retaliation by armed progressives. If that happens, we’ll all lose from the resulting political destabelization of US.

I guess this decade will be known as the Raging 20s.

New World Order conspires to force a primary between Rep. Casten and Rep. Newman (Fiction)

Will Rep. Sean Casten be denied another term by the Illuminati?

The New World order claimed responsibility for Illinois’ current Congressional redistricting plan that forces Democratic Representatives Sean Casten and Marie Newman into the same district.

Z1, the NWO’s newest Illinois administrator, spoke during a presentation in Lisle:  “This gerrymandering plan will demolish the Illuminati’s plans to destroy the United States’ democracy. We will take out at least one Illuminati aligned Republican, and possibly take out Illuminati Congresswoman Newman with the foolishly neutral Congressman Casten at the same time!  Sean chose not to take sides in the great war for the fate of human civilization. Sean, when you stand in the middle of a battlefield, both sides will shoot at you!”

Z1 then announced that former Representative Dan Lipinski will be the NWO’s candidate for the proposed Sixth Congressional District.

“Flip the Sixth back to me!” said Lipinski.  “I am honored that Z1 has selected me to restore America as the country that will rule the world.  I’m glad that the NWO will support my efforts to rescue my Congressional seat from that woman.  The Democratic party doesn’t need so-called progressive leaders.  It needs leaders who are willing to reject (Homophobic term deleted) privileges, ban Abortion, and make health care unaffordable again!”

The Illuminati and New World Order have been at war since 2016 when Illuminati forces launched a surprise attack following the election of President Donald Trump.  The Illuminati seized, and continues to control, most of Earth’s UFO Bases.  In Illinois, the Illuminati control Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, while the NWO hold Rochelle’s Hub 35, Peotone UFO Base, and Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine.  

While most Democratic politicians align with the New World order, there are exceptions.  Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger is a member of the New World Order.  Newman, like The Squad, is a member of the Illuminati.  Newman, however, has spoken out against the Illuminati’s efforts to spread global chaos.  She shares The Squad’s desire to turn the Illuminati into a “disruptive force working for the good of all humanity.”

Casten, a former employee at Clow, has always maintained his neutrality, and has advocated for reducing the role that all secret societies have in managing Earth’s UFO Bases.  Since his election in 2018, he has asked both the Illuminati and NWO to use their influence to combat global warming.

The Illuminati released a statement saying they were not worried about the NWO’s redistricting plan:

“The Illinois Democratic Party and their NWO masters are just rearranging chairs on a sinking ship.  Our Republican operatives will soon control the elections in the rest of the country.  Democracy will fall, and Illinois will be isolated.  In four years, the leaders of Illinois will have to face reality.  They can either surrender, or beg Canada to annex the Chicago area.”

Casten, Lipinski, and Newman couldn’t be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens allowed to go trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Trump announces his own secret society: The Trumpinati
Mayor Lightfoot threatens to hire weredogs to replace unvaccinated cops
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

British secret agent leaves trail of destruction in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”

Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano.  The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards.  The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.

“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified.  “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”

A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema.  According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries.  The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.

“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied.  “I just want to be the center of attention.  And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”

“A place in the Republican Party?”

“No, silly.”  Sinema giggled.  “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green.  Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”

“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.

“Whatever,” Sinema replied.  “You still haven’t given me anything.”

“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”

“Not anymore.  I now have a  new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”

“You’re mad!” said the agent.  “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”

“So?” Sinema asked.  “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me.  They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”

According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.

“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema.  “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”

“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God.  I signed up to purge Democrats.  Count me out of this.”

“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.

At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman.  Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent.  The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.  

“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness.  “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”

Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines. 

“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.

Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:

“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away.  Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me.  It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona.  Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller.  One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt.  I barely got out before they crushed my car.  I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car.  She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’  The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”

Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent.  The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.

“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said.  “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”

Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:

“Of course I’m not answering your question.  You’d stop paying attention to me if I did.  Don’t hang up!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:

“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Never Forget (Non-fiction)

On this anniversary of 9/11, I think this Giant If comic is close to how I feel:

Never forget…that we invaded a country that didn’t attack us without congresssional authorization based on a lie and which cost us 20 years, over 100,000 lives, at least $2 trillion, and many of our freedoms that we will probabily never get back.

Sources: Village considering ‘Texas-style bounties’ to combat ‘negative social media posts’ (Fiction)

Social media users who post ‘negative’ content about Bolingbrook might end up paying thousands of dollars in damages and legal fees.

Anonymous sources within Village Hall say the board is considering an ordinance similar to the Texas Fetal Heartbeat law. The ordinance permits lawsuits against anyone who “posts content that defames, diminishes, or in any way promotes negativity within or towards the Village of Bolingbrook.”

Supporters in Village Hall say it is a necessary ordinance to combat what they perceive to be an “unprecedented onslaught of negativity” against the village.

“Texas has shown us the way,” said Ted, a village employee who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The Supreme Court is saying the government can do anything it wants as long as other people act on its behalf.  Why should a government limit itself to restricting abortion access? The Constitution can no longer stop us from doing what’s right!”

The text of the ordinance, provided by one of the sources, states that anyone in the United States “with any ties to Bolingbrook,” can sue anyone who posts “untrue, subjectively untrue, true but negative, and true but subjectively negative” content on social media about Bolingbrook.  If the complainant wins, they will receive $1000 plus legal fees.  If the complainant loses, they will receive $500 from the village and the defendant will still have to pay all legal fees.  Only members of the Bolingbrook Friends and Neighbors Facebook group, who are in good standing, are exempt.’

Jane, another source who asked that his/her real name not be published, insisted that the ordinance is not intended to punish opponents of Bolingbrook’s ruling First Party for Bolingbrook:

“Facebook is overrun with negative political groups and pages.  We’ve got Bolingbrook Politics, Bolingbrook Area Politics, Bolingbrook Politics Uncensored, Bolingbrook Friends and Neighbors uncensored, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook Independent Voices, and so on.  Bolingbrook runs on positive energy, and negative posts hurt all residents.”

Ted added: “If the Founding Fathers believed in free speech, they wouldn’t have allowed the Alien and Sedition Acts to become law.  This ordinance is perfectly in line with the original intent of the Constitution, and not the amended mess we have now.”

None of the village trustees could be reached to comment on the proposed ordinance.

A person who claimed to work for the Village Attorney said: “Oh, if we ever felt that such a law was Constitutional, you would be the first to know!”

Also in the Babbler:

White Bolingbrook resident claims Confucius was ‘anti-Chinese’
Village of Bolingbrook buys another ‘evacuation site’ near the Arctic Circle
Palatine Township Highway Commissioner honored for promoting ‘the freedom to infect’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

(Web Exclusive) Interstellar court ends Oberweis’ final challenge to Rep. Underwood’s reelection (Fiction)

File photo of IL14 Representative Lauren Underwood.

By Reporter X

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit rejected Republican Jim Oberweis’ lawsuit to overturn Rep. Lauren Underwood’s 2020 re-election.

“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” said Judge Kilos Surgon.  “The plaintiff’s claim that he won an election is extraordinary, and what he presented does not meet the criteria to be considered evidence.”

Oberweis jumped out of his chair and charged at the judge.  He was quickly immobilized by a force field.  Surgon judged Oberweis to be in contempt of court and imprisoned him for 24 hours.

Oberweis protested as he was dragged out of the courtroom. He said:  “Why won’t anyone believe me?  Even the Congressional Republicans refused to save me.  (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) gave me a bad lawyer!  Everyone is out to get me.  Stop the steal!  Count the votes!  Hang Mike Pence!  Oops.  I didn’t say that.”

“Just like you didn’t win.”

The lawsuit, which many interstellar legal experts described using unprintable adjectives, was Oberweis’ last chance to overturn the election following a bipartisan Congressional resolution rejecting his challenge.  Oberweis was represented by Bolingbrook Junior Assistant Village Attorney for Interstellar Affairs, Lester Z. Sanders.  

Shortly after Sanders delivered his opening statement, Surgon said: “I just looked at your very short filing.  You do know that the statement ‘Lauren Underwood is a Democrat’ is not grounds for nullifying an election.”

Sanders nervously laughed, and replied: “The Village of Bolingbrook thinks it should be.”

“You mean Puppet Master Emeritus Roger thinks it should be.”

To prove that all Illinois Democrats are corrupt, Sanders called Republican Sixth Congressional candidate Justin Burau to the stand.  Burau accused Casten of profiting off the Green New Deal and not caring about people with Glioblastoma.

“When Sean refused to personally change Medicare’s coverage of Glioblastoma, I knew he was corrupt, and therefore all Democrats are corrupt.  There’s no way Lauren won this election fairly.”

Underwood’s lawyer, Monica X. Parker, harshly cross-examined Burau:

“Did you really write that you decided to run for Congress after years of failing to live up to your promises?”

“Yeah, I forgot to add Sean’s name.”

Parker pointed to a holographic display of one of his Facebook ads:  “Did you really write that you are the Congressman who ‘cant (sp)’ be trusted?”

“It’s easy to forget Sean.”

“You tried to tie Sean to the Green New Deal, right?”

Burau grinned.  “All Democrats support the Green New Deal.”

“Actually, Sean doesn’t support it.  Even if he did, were you aware that the Green New Deal includes universal health care and would expand coverage to all cancer patients, including Glioblastoma patients?”

“Look.  I’m a real estate agent.  You sound like a client who obsesses over cracks in the foundation, or panics over an exposed wire.  I don’t want you to care about the little details.  I want you to fall in love with the whole house.  Or at least stay infatuated long enough for me to collect my commission.”

After the ruling, Sanders denied suffering a total legal defeat:  “The Village’s Legal Department has a new motto:  We never settle.  I have never been so humiliated in a courtroom in my year of practicing interstellar law.  Yet, I fought to the bitter end.  If I was willing to fight to the bitter end for such a hopeless case, imagine what we’ll do to anyone who files a frivolous lawsuit against our village.  You will suffer if you so much as think about suing us for damaging your mailbox.”

Oberweis refused to be interviewed for this article

File photo of IL14 Representative Lauren Underwood.

but said he was outraged that the Village refused to let him pay to upgrade his detention cell.

Underwood could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for her Congressional Office said: “Congresswoman Underwood can now spend the next few months focusing on raising the SALT cap.  I’d also like to say this as a Naperville resident:  We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Congresswoman Lauren Underwood is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.