By Reporter X
Despite concerns about election day chaos and violence amid a pandemic, Village of Bolingbrook officials insist it is safe to vote this week:
“We’re going the extra light year,” said Dena Z. DeProsse, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Aliens are still banned from abducting residents, the reptoids are staying underground, and our wereskunks promise not to spray voters. Be assured, it will be safe for our residents to vote this year.”
While there was concern that Space Force pilots based in Bolingbrook might try to shoot down UFOs delivering absentee votes from other planets, Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry confirmed that those ballots have already been processed:
“We got the ballots. Sorry you won’t be able to write about dogfights over Joliet, but everything is under control! Are we done? Because I’m kind of busy right now.”
In the background, a person said: “The Russians, Iranians, and Chinese are fighting each other to hack our servers. They’re canceling each other out right now, but it’s only—”
“Babbler” replied Ferry.
“Oh (expletive deleted)!”
“I’ll take care of it. You call Charlene and tell her that I’ll ask DuPage Township to reassess her property tax value if she doesn’t call off her friends. As for you, tell your readers not to worry about anything except Republican Judges deliberately throwing out Democratic ballots. It’s going to be an interesting election!”
Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement saying they would protect voters as well: “Fascism won’t be stopped by thin blue lines. It is stopped by people standing up for democracy. We’ll keep the fascists out of your voting booth. Please do your part to vote them out of office!”
Will County residents can find their voting information at https://www.thewillcountyclerk.com/elections/
DuPage County Residents can find their voting information at https://www.dupageco.org/election/
The Babbler will post an ‘Election 2020 Special Edition‘ on our web site following election day.
Also in the Babbler:
Editorial: People died for our democracy. Vote to defend it
Bolingbrook denies building permit for Church of COVID
Weredogs vow to protect polling places
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.