Web Exclusive: Interstellar court arrests conservative lawyers for attempted genocide (Fiction)


File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

Conservative lawyers who attempted to reopen Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and embarrass Illinois Governor JB Pritzker lost their case and were arrested for attempted genocide.

“No law or procedure can override the Interstellar Commonwealth’s ban on genocide,” said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.

The lawyers, who work for the Illinois Interstellar Policy Institute, argued that Pritzker cannot extend his emergency orders regarding food service workers at Illinois’s UFO Bases.  Therefore, Clow UFO Base should be reopened, and Pritzker should pay restitution to the Weathertech Restaurant.

“Weathertech is running out of space to store its plastic scraps,” argued David X. Smith, Esq. “We have to reopen Clow so Weathertech can spend its money on executives bonuses instead of storage rentals.”

“What about the health and safety of the residents of Bolingbrook?” asked Surgon.

“What about it?” asked Smith.  “We’d never profit if we worried about people’s health.  That’s socialism!”

“And?”

“It’s socialism!”

“So?  Socialism does not automatically mean authoritarianism.”

While the Village did not send a lawyer on its behalf, the Union of Clow UFO Base Culinary Workers argued against reopening.  Pat Z. Leonard, Esq. argued that Pritzker had nothing to do with the lockdown of Clow UFO Base.  Former Mayor Roger Claar ordered to close Clow, she argued, and it was granted by the Illuminati, the secret pages in the Illinois Constitution, and Article VIII of the US Constitution.  Article VIII is also known as the “Secret Society Article” and has never been released to the public.  Leonard concluded by stating even the preamble of the US Constitution gives both Pritzker and current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta the authorization to lockdown Clow UFO Base.

“There’s no tranquility during a pandemic.  A viral invasion of this magnitude requires a common defense.  There is no general welfare when everyone is sick.  Citizens are deprived of liberty when they are hospitalized or dead.  There is no prosperity when citizens are afraid to work or shop.  Both the governor and the mayor swore to uphold the US Constitution.  With hospitalizations rising in Illinois, it would be unconstitutional for either of them to reopen Clow UFO Base!”

Leonard concluded that even with Clow’s anti-viral technology, the use of masks, and social distancing, there was still a risk of the virus infecting crew and aliens.  Some aliens could even spread the virus throughout the galaxy.

Smith countered: “My Constitution says it is important to own a gun and have the libs!  That’s why this court must rule in our favor and find ways to humiliate the governor if he refuses to obey.”

“Even if people get sick?”

“Freedom is important!  Besides, the greater crime is that the JB removed a bathroom so he could reduce his property taxes.  That’s what we should really be focusing on.”

“Do you have me confused with that Clay County judge?”

Surgon asked if the IIPI planned on bringing its executives back to its offices.  The judges laughed and said they weren’t essential workers, but “important thought leaders.”

Surgon then ruled against the IIPI and ordered the arrest of the lawyers on genocide charges.

“My clients are innocent,” said Joe V. Zimmerman.  “We plan on arguing that any form of punishment or accountability violates our clients’ religious liberties.”

Leonard praised the ruling:  “The coronavirus is a serious threat to the wellbeing of our state and our galaxy.  My clients and my firm will do anything do defend our UFO Base and our residents from the virus and its COVIDots allies!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.